I thought I was healing...but NO!

I used to post here about my toxic relationship a lot. Well, we have finally been broken up for almost a full year, haven't been intimate for over 6 months, and don't contact each other anymore. We both moved about 500 miles in opposite directions.

Honestly, there's still a photo of us together tucked away in a drawer, I still think about him a lot, his grandmother and I exchanged holiday cards, etc... but I'm consciously making an effort to move on. I have dated other men. I tried out a relationship with a "nice guy" turned out to be ...a monster in a nice suit. I have 3 guys "after" me right now. One calls me dirty names and tries to solicit me for sex (I can't seem to block his phone number), another lives with his girlfriend with whom he has a child and is also pregnant with a 2nd. and the third calls me beautiful, met through a good friend and has not tried anything with me. I think I'm leaning in the right direction with the 3rd one lol

Anyway, my healing is not only getting over what my ex and I had together, but what we went through together. The lost pregnancies. My twins. I can't get over it.
Right when we ended our 6 years, my sister announces she's getting married to a guy she's known for 2 years. I moved in with my father temporarily to get away from my ex (not knowing he would just move away also)and all anybody could talk about was the wedding when I couldn't even look at a couple without bawling. My last relationship was longer than all of hers put together.

Now she's pregnant. I can't think about my twins without bawling.Me, upset with all these great things happening to my sister reminding me of my own terrible traumatic memories which I have yet to overcome, my mother decides to tell me about being raped by multiple men when she was only 14...they shoved drugs and alcohol down her throat, threw her in a pool to drown (or wash off the evidence) and her waking up wet and bloody in a portapotty. Told one person who didn't believe her and never spoke of it again until she confided in the man she left my father for. I guess it was supposed to make me feel better to know that everybody has their sad story. ???

MY ANXIETY IS THROUGH THE ROOF. I can't even walk outside my front door or make a phone call without spending an hour preparing myself for it. Even close friends, I spend about 6 hours procrastinating before even visiting one and even then I'm uncomfortable and nervous and anxious. I have an anxiety attacks more frequently. I don't want to be popping Klonopin like candy or chugging Kava tea to zombify myself and numb my own thoughts.

So now, I'm having trouble trusting men, I resent my sister's happiness and pregnancy, I want to track down the sick men who raped my mother as a child, and all around, I can't seem to get my life back on track. It seems like the moment one wound starts healing, another just gets ripped open...and the shock of one scab being ripped off causes me to trip and acquire yet another wound.

I get severe emotional breakdowns and hormonal mood swings around PMS. I never got much PMS before my twins left me but now, like clockwork, a wave of suicidal Depression exactly 3 days before my period where anything having to do with babies or twins makes me lose my nerve entirely. I have to call in to work because I can't even make it a block down the road in my car before the tears start flowing.

Those who I confide in seem to think I'm overreacting. They don't know how many days I've spent crying for 8 hours straight, obsessively reading about twins, miscarriages, abortions, suicide, break-ups, etc.

It's getting ridiculous. I'm about to commit myself.
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