I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. You have endured so much,hoping your husband would change. You said you went to counseling, thinking this is all your fault. I am so glad you have now realized it is NOT your fault, it never was. This was NOT about you, it was all about him. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I have felt the same pain. It helps to know we are not alone and that you made the right decision when you left him. It also helps to read about the experiences of others, how they handled a difficult situation like this, what kinds of solutions they tried, which ones worked and which ones did not work. This is a page where people who have been going through the same pain can send their stories, it might help you to deal with the loss better if you take a look at some of their experiences:
The most important thing is to know that you are not alone. So many people have experienced what you are now experiencing and they have survived. You will too!