Re: Just wanted to add...

Hey nowheretogo,

I've been following this thread and just wanted to pop back in. I don't think you need to either demonize your husband, or let yourself be demonized. NPD is a complex and difficult mental state. I know my husband is not a demon. He simply cannot be there emotionally for me (or anyone), as I don't think he can feel empathy. And yes, he needs constant approval, often over-exaggerates his accomplishments, and cannot tolerate what he perceives as disrespect in any way. He fits the npd criteria to a t.

I completely understand how and why he got to be like this-- his father is a (very successful, charming, high functioning) npd. So he grew up without ever having a father unconditionally love him, listen to him, and take joy in him. The only way to ever get his Dad's attention (and, even today, to ever get his Dad's attention) was to succeed and be better than everyone else at something (or over-exaggerate accomplishments to make it appear so)- to give his Dad some bragging rights (i.e., help his Dad fulfill his own npd needs that "I and my offspring are superior to everyone else."). I think that caused some mis-wiring-- and caused him to always need to come across/view himsel/be viewed as better than everyone else. I cannot imagine how awful it would be to grow up like that.

I am only writing this to let you know there is something between "they are evil" or "there is something wrong with me." Its complicated. Your husband may simply be unable to feel empathy-- if so, that means there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO to bring that about-- if the psychiatrists find this the most difficult mental condition to treat, you certainly are not going to find that "magic button" that reaches him. (For years, I thought "I must be approaching this wrong; I must find a different way to communicate....").

I have a point in here, but not sure I can articulate it. But-- your husband may never understand what the big deal was about leaving you on the bathroom floor. But don't lose yourself and begin to question whether that really wasn't a big deal (no matter what the counselers say)-- it was wrong behavior, as are the probably thousands of other, less dramatic ways that he wasn't there for you. But you don't need to demonize him to your kids-- he is just, simply, limited in who he is and what he can give. And you have to decide the best way for you to handle that. But arguing with him, trying to get him to see what should be so OBVIOUS to anyone else, is probably never, ever going to work.

Good luck. And don't let anyone convince you that its you. Tweet