Re: narcissistic husband

Hello Nowheretogo,

I have been married 20 years to a man with npd. That's a long, long story. But here is what I have learned, or think I have learned.

NPD is not well understood, and it would not surprise me at all that a counseler would not recognize it, or would think your husband is a great guy. That's just part of what npd is-- they need to be admired, and they know how to go about getting that admiration.

All of the psychiatric literature says that npd is nearly impossible to treat-- primarily because the narcissist just doesn't think anything is wrong with him, and thus isn't open to treatment. I am sorry not to be able to give you better news, but this is the consistent and repeated message-- personality disorders in general, and npd in particular, is perhaps the most impossible of all orders to treat. The prognosis for treatment is very poor.

So the question is: is your husband truly a narcissist? Don't rely on what others tell you-- because narcissists can really charm folks, and only someone who has lived closely with him, like you, may know. Does he EVER seem to understand or care about your feelings? Is EVER capable of of true empathy? I have struggled and struggled with how a person cannot care about someone else's feelings, or see things ever from the other point of view-- but I am coming to think that they just cannot. With my husband, I have so often thought "how can you be so callous and cruel," but lately I think there is some wiring in his brain that is not connected, so that he CAN'T see things from anyone else's point of view-- kind of like an arrested two year old, who just cannot conceive that there are other people, who have their own feelings and desires, outside of themeselves.

If you do decide to continue with counseling, I would say find a counseler that specializes in personality disorders.

My only other advice- from someone who has decided to stay with her husband-- I am staying, and it is not all bad. BUT-- I simply cannot get or expect to get any of my emotional needs met by my husband. I have created a (mostly satisfying, but can get very lonely) life, with activities and interests outside my husband. But I can't lie-- it is hard to have a husband that I cannot lean on for emotional support, or share who I am or what I feel.....

Good luck-- and trust your instinct!!!! Narcissists can really charm and act wonderful- and people who are not in the innermost circle may never see it!! Tweet