Re: congratulations...you probably did harm him.
O.k. - you're right in mocking the fact that I mentioned that I'm not homophobic. Since I'm not sophisticated enough to communicate it in ways other than stating, "I'm not homophobic" - or - "I have no problems with gayness." - I should have just said nothing - and have people assume that I am homophobic. I mean, this is what they're going to think anyway, right?
It might be "tired", it might be "trite" - but since I'm no Keith Olbermann or David Letterman (as I'm sure you already surmised - you sized up and dismissed my intelligence-level quite nicely) - I know of few other ways in clarifying on the Internet the fact that I'm not homophobic other than saying directly, "I'm not homophobic." It's become the universally-mocked way of communicating one's non-homophobia - even in cyberspace, where people are denied the opportunity to assess another person's mindset over the long-term. I mean - you don't know me in "real life", and aren't around me on a day-to-day basis. You have no other way of checking out my homophobia-level for yourself - other than taking my word at face-value. But apparently, you aren't willing to do this - and actually, I understand. That's o.k. - you obviously have a right to be skeptical.
I didn't come here to be "cleansed". I know better than to expect this EVER, let alone from a few replies on a messageboard. And there's no way to "right" what I did - that ship is beyond sailed. All I really expected were answers/educated guesses to my question of whether or not my sexual abuse caused my brother's presumed gayness. I've seen plenty of instances where people deny that "homosexual" childhood sexual abuse has anything to do with a person's gayness - so this further confuses me as to whether my "heterosexual" sexual abuse caused my brother's gayness.
I don't know what forum you were actually in when you encountered my message, but from the tone of your reply, I assume that you took the automatic stance of seeing me as "The Enemy" - and tailored your reply accordingly. Seemingly from the moment you read who I am and what I did, you saw red. I assume that these two forums to which I posted my message are visited primarily by gay and lesbian people, and the victims (or the survivors) of childhood sexual abuse. Since I'm 1.) The abusER - not the abusee, and 2.) presumed to be heterosexual - I'm going to be treated with some automatic antagonism. I'm not sure how much this matters for the purposes of this thread, but it would probably make you feel better to know that, in the years after my sexual-exploitation of my brother ended - I eventually developed my own "sexual confusion" issues. See - I haven't gone on to live the perfect "heterosexual dream" while I left my brother's sexual-identity shattered. I didn't go on to have boyfriends, get married...I'm not living that "perfect" little heterosexual life. My own life has been shattered by mental disorders/mental illness - in many ways, my brother has turned out to be luckier than I have. His life isn't crippled by the mental issues that have devastated my life - in so many ways, his psyche seems so much healtier. He's functioning a lot better than I am: he has friends (I don't); he has a nice, funny, easygoing personality (my personality is like a piece of wood); he has a LIFE (I don't). He presents no clues that he is psychologically-damaged by my early abuse; if he has such psychological-damage, he has locked it away in some neat-little compartment deep within his psyche. I worry that someday, his damage will explode to the surface, and he'll undergo some severe crisis. One day, he might come to me with questions, and deep-seeded resentment of me may explode out of him. It's amazing that this hasn't happened already.
But no, you don't have to presume that I'm functioning as some "perfect" heterosexual: since I hit my early twenties, some bisexual/homosexual feelings have emerged in me that were either dormant or nonexistant before. Is this "Karma" for what I did to my brother? Perhaps. Perhaps it didn't matter to Karma that I was a clueless kid myself when this was happening - and that I had *no idea* of the damage I was inflicting on my brother.
And let me further clarify my point-of-view: there is *nothing* wrong with homosexuality if this homosexuality is a natural part of a person that blossomed *in the absence* of abuse or trauma. If a person lived a happy, abuse-free childhood and he/she turned out to be homosexual - that is FINE. But it is *not* fine to permanently alter the course of a child's natural sexual development by abuse or trauma. So if my brother's homosexuality has anything to do with my sexual abuse of him - this is not exactly o.k., and I feel horrible about it.
And about the "Christianity" issue: it's been my observation that many gay people - particularly closeted gay people - seem to become religious, and/or deeply involved in the Church. If I say what I feel about this - you'll mock me again for being a hypocrite - so I'll just say that this is my objective observation, and leave it at that.