Educated, Insightful, but I'm Still Here. Help me Leave.

I know all about learned helplessness, Stockholm Syndrome, PTSD, malignant optimism, and various other victimology terminologies. But I continue to be abused and I AM STILL HERE. I am afraid for my soul, my integrity, my future.

I am a 55 year old woman (my daughter says I'm still a MILF), with no job and no money. I have an excellent therapist and I attend Codependent to Sexual Addiction (COSA) meetings. So I'm getting help, but nothing works, I'm still here.

Only recently, I have been referring to my NH's behavior as evil, i.e., I often complain that he won't look at me when we're talking about things that are near and dear to my heart, but when he delivers a psychic blow, like, "you're insane", or, "you're living in a fantasy world", HE LOOKS ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND DOESN'T FLINCH.

Are there magic words or overarching advice that will snap me back to the independent, vivacious, creative, loving person I used to be?

One time, when I left, he stared at me and said that I "was breaking up our family for nothing". I still remember that, every time I pack.

The most recent theory I have for my inertia is that he is downright decent about 50% of the time. I cling to that. Anybody would want that, when he is his charming, seductive, generous self (Dr. Jekyll). But then Mr. Hyde comes out and I have no idea who the f**k is in my living room. Nor do I recognize the woman (me) who responds to him subserviently, apologizing for my very existence.

Do you know who I am or what I should do? Have you been or seen that shriveling soul in the face of unfathomable cruelty? I must leave, yet every morning, I forget what happened the night before. I lose myself and my bearings. Tweet