My mother, the narcissist, was a Jekyll and Hyde type of personality. She was very manipulative, too. People outside the family saw a nice, friendly, helpful person. The family, for the most part, saw an emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive alcoholic. When I would tell people that had met her what she was really like, they never believed me.

The difference with you is---you're an adult and are free to leave anytime you like. A child is stuck in that environmnent having to put up with that soul-searing behavior. You say you have an excellent therapist---I beg to differ. It appears that you haven't made any progress working with that person. You either need to 1) find another therapist that's a better fit or 2) take a hard look at how your sessions are going with your current therapist. Are you doing all the work required of you or are you going at it half-heartedly? If it is the latter, I think that a good therapist would have pointed that out to you by now.

You say you have no job and no money. I think that is main reason you stay with him. It's time to find a job---any job---and start saving your money. In the meantime, do you have any friends or family you can temporarily stay with until you get your act together? If so, then get in touch with them and get going!

You mention a daughter. Is your husband her father? If so, then consider this---you raised her together with this man and she witnessed all that happened. This can't be good for her mental health. I assume she is grown now and out on her own? Or is she still underage? Either way, should you leave him, you will show her that no one should have to live that way. She will see that her mother has the courage to leave a bad situation instead of staying and putting up with it. What a good example that would set for her if you find the strength to leave!

I know kids would rather not see their parents divorce. Also, I believe that married couples should do all they can to work on saving their marriages. However, narcissists don't change their stripes. They don't see that they have a problem. In their eyes, everyone else has a problem---not them.

So---get going and good luck!

I am so sorry you are in so much pain.
It took me 2 years to GET OUT of a 12 year TOXIC relationship. It was 2 years of obsessing to figure out everything I could about the "N". Until I was 100% NC did I realize how my "self" was warped. For the last 8 months, I have focused on ME..learning who I am, what I like and just basic ideas most people all ready know about themselves. It is so easy to lose yourself after living with an N. In the last 8 months, I have worked my A** off to get well again.
In the begining my energy was "figuring" the N out. Now, I realize life is about me...and believe it or not, so grateful he met his "true love" within a week of losing me. The OW has saved my life...haha! I never thought I would "get" that! I was forced to move on, and look at who I had become!
N's do not change! We have all spent many hours trying to figure them out! My favorite reminder to myself "do I really want to bang my head". It is what it is..like a dog barks, an N does not GET IT!
Finding some strength to move on...I promise it does get better - I still choose 100% NC and hope to be healthy enough someday that his presence does not make my gut hurt..but, until then, I choose for me to avoid him!
I still sleep 12 hours a night, my body, "being" and life was SUCKED DRY, I was/am exhausted...be good to you and don't be hard on yourself! TRUST IT WILL GET BETTER

Is there any chance that we get stuck on the negatives?

There are so many cases where we know that 'X' is bad for us but we keep on doing it, and think we are weak-willed, or some other silly thing.

We grow into a tolerance of our abusers, thinking that we must 'figure them out', give them the benifit of the doubt, etc...allowing that we ourselves must be flawed because this is not the dream we began with.

We are confused by all the reasoning. Every time we 'see' part of the answer, we fall back into the 'problem' because of doubt.


Virgo is exceptional. He 'got out'. Now he has to find his way out of his memories...his 'doubts'.


I once asked my counselor, "If I am in box A, and want to be in box B, but I have never seen what box B is like, how can I get there?"

I meant that I had no idea how to live like a box B person.

Her answer was, "Just jump."


I told her that was no answer...but it was! It was THE answer.


'Analysis' takes years to work, if it ever does.

Doing what we want to do, perfectly, takes 'expertise'/experience.


I am here to tell you that you will never do what you want to do, perfectly. I didn't. I made all the mistakes I could, not because I wanted to but because I hadn't the experience to know better.


I simply came to the point where I wondered, if I am so bad why does everyone want me to stay? ...To keep on being the 'bad' person they told me I was.

Then I found out why...

...Because, if *I* WASN'T wrong, then someone else must be.

They couldn't face that.


I believe a narcissist is full of fear...that they deal with the unbearable feelings by placing the 'blame' on others.

I also believe that the victim's part in the kerfuffle is that they 'buy' into what is being done to them...for some reason or other they accept the mistreatment...for a while...maybe for a long while.



When victims no longer accept mistreatment, can't see the sense in it...then they need a 'way' to get out of it.

And, they need a 'way' to drop the memories and bad feelings.

They need to re-invent themselves. If they are lucky, they have good memories, as well. Perhaps they recall times of happiness when they were little children, when they were innocents. Or, they may have observed good things in the lives of others, or beauty in the natural world, or creativity...art, opera, building, gardening, working with the hands or brain, creating a 'circle of warmth'.

We could 'analyze' till the cows come home, till everything is understood and we have all the i's dotted and all the t's crossed and can do what we want to do, perfectly, safely.


Or, we can just jump.

...Just start BEING the change we want to achieve.


I guarantee we won't get it all right, the first time we try. Nobody does. But everyone who tries learns more. The second time we try is never as difficult as the first...nor is pulling up your socks and meeting/solving the next challenge on your journey.


We get MORE of what we think about. I believe that is the most basic fact of life...because we have 'noticers' that always serve us up more of exactly what we think about...today, in the very next minute.


I'm going to plant a thought in your mind. See if you don't notice more of it in the next few days.


Spring green.

Growth...renewal...promise...possibility...healing...serenity.


If 'spring green' pleases you, say it aloud, once or twice, then let it go into the universe...forget about it and do whatever else is at hand.

(Of course, if the phrase doesn't please you, "Cancel" it...as you would any mind picture you don't want.)


If 'spring green' helps, think what all the other words that jump around in your head all day are doing...and that you can change them in an instant...simply by substituting other words you prefer.


I love Jose Silva's suggestion to draw a bullet-proof glass between yourself and any 'hologram', picture in your mind's eye, that you don't like.

I've done this many times when I am falling asleep and any unwanted picture appears before me.

Silva says they all belong to us, anyway, and we get to pick and choose.


If an unwanted feeling persists, simply give it a name (mine was 'disappointment'); decide something better to do (I phoned Beth to go for coffee); put your arms around yourself and say, "There, there, little one. You'll be okay. I'll take care of you."


Or, if the feeling comes from a 'parental' figure or attitude in your head, call it by a nearer name...as a doctor once did to me.

I was inquiring into why my baby was lopsided in his movements, using one side of his body 30 to 50% less than the other.

I'm sure the specialist did not know...though I think I do, now...a suction cup on his head while being born.

Anyway, the specialist said, "Now, now, mother."

That stopped me in my tracks! Was I an overly-concerned mother?

I wasn't, of course, but the doctor naming me a 'mother' at that moment cut right through my questioning...my doubts.

So, when comforting or soothing your feelings, identify which of the two inner parts of you is feeling the feeling...the hurt 'child', with all the child's needs and wants; or the worried and concerned 'parent' trying to 'teach' you.

The one who does the comforting and soothing is the 'adult' you are becoming...which will protect you more and more throughout your life.


The inner person doesn't care WHO does the comforting...just that it gets done!


AND, keep it simple. Leave off the why's and wherefore's, the and's, if's, and but's...you don't need them...not at the time of comforting/soothing a feeling.

Later, you'll get peeks at why's and wherefore's...small ones that don't upset your applecart...maybe years later, when you are ready.

Right now, all you need to do is comfort/soothe/calm the feelings that are keeping you 'stuck' where you don't want to be.


There are dozens of little things you can do to smooth your feelings by substituting something you like better...

...Dress in your 'classical' best...and your colors. http://www.colormebeautifulbook.com There's one for men, too. Your library may be able to get them for you.

...Take down the pictures, just for now.

...Eat better. Who is nearby who grows organically? Pay them whatever price they care to extract to eat the same veggies they do. If they grow no-till, volunteer to help them. Learn. Call your local organic growers' association.

...Bathe in a crystal mineral salts bath, 1% solution (1 kg or 2.2 pounds to the average bathtub of lightly warm water, for 20 to 30 minutes). http://www.heartfeltliving.com Put your skin to work for you. You'll feel lovely and smooth, younger.

...Choose your words, your thoughts...they belong to you. "Cancel" any that slip by accidentally. Substitute words you like better, immediately, especially ones that free you...like 'harmony', 'peaches', 'blue sky', 'you are my sunshine', or 'spring green'...'what a wonderful world' is great...and 'over the rainbow'.

I know, I know...I sound like Pollyanna...but she wasn't a bad kid. She just believed in happy endings.

...Turn off the electronics, like the TV. Go for a walk, run around the block or the house, or look out the window...just for now. You'll see good stuff.

...Go to bed earlier. Put each hand on the other shoulder, to enfold yourself, and smile your extra thinking energy down to the region of your navel. There are extra nerves there that some Taoists believe is the 'body mind'...the repairer.


My best,

Fledgling

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all in your head...NOT! You have cortisol poisoning. No therapist can help that. You have to take control. You have the fight-or-flight symptoms of stress and the unique female adjunct, a "caregiver" response to stress so you can be persuaded to keep the family together, blah, blah, blah...Treat the physiological problem. Wipe out cortisol with daily exercise for twenty minutes. Take the KETO-7 form of DHEA when anxious and twenty minutes later you will be calm and relaxed if you have overstressed adrenals. The KETO-7 form is best for females as it will not form other hormones that can lower a woman's voice.

Go to:
http://www.amenclinics.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id...
Take the ADD test for five bucks. View the "before concentration" and "after concentration" ADD brain. With concentration, i.e., the stress of demanding concentration, the ADD brain underfunctions, to put it mildly. This is cortisol poisoning. It's not your imagination, nor a psychological quirk. You do space out and forget the abuse on some level because your brain had the blood supply squeezed off from toxic cortisol.

Your spouse is running on adrenaline, and that's not conjugal sex, it's I-can't-get-excited-without-stress. Probably a good candidate for DHEA as well. Low testosterone levels and high estrogen levels in modern males make normal sexual response problematic, and these high estrogen men can be very abusive to women. The same spaced-out forgetting of cortisol poisoning is the balm that provides the resentful abuser relief under your stress.

Make sure your dietary pH is alkaline. Introduce kelp and celery/juice and fresh lemon into the diet. Take Caprylic Acid to kill off Candida that makes estrogen and a nerve toxin, acetaldehyde. That's one way men O.D. on estrogen, from Antibiotic use that created an overgrowth of Candida in the gut that makes estrogen. Avoid phytoestrogens from soy and soy products. Oy. And pray. May the Most High grant miracles of healing, all for His honor and glory, especially through the intercession of Saint Nicholas. AMEN O.K. Have a good one.