I can be The One

For me, it was the excitement associated with running with the damaged men - in my damaged mind, I believed that I could be "The One" to help them reach their potential, karma, nirvana, whatever. I believed that I could play the role of Mother Earth and heal these "tortured souls." And, because of my ability to help these people heal, they would forever be bound to me by their gratitude and love. What a fantasy, eh? LMAO!!!!!!!!!

Foolishly, I continued in this vein of thought and actually married a bad guy. By the time that I left, there was no longer any excitment, no sexual ecstacy, no emotional stability, two innocent children produced, and I was on the brink of suicide. There was only fear, torment, isolation, abuse, wishful thinking, and damage, damage, damage. The "bad" guy was just that: a very, very bad guy. The physical excitement was only as good as my imagination was and it turned out that he used my sexuality as a method of control and abuse. It was all a fantasy. A desperate, full-blown fantasy. Every "good" attribute that he had was fabricated in my mind by my own needs. What he really turned out to be was a genuine monster.

"Nice men" can be just as exciting, just as rewarding, and just as adventurous as those men who seem to need "extra care." My partner, best friend, and spouse of 10 years is a nice guy. But, neither of us runs over the other, neither of us inflicts our demands upon one another, and we move in a healthy, content relationship. Yeah, we still have our arguments and disagreements, but those moments are not used to inflict intentional harm or control - those moments are additional growing pains.

Nice PEOPLE (men OR women) can walk beside us along our Life's Path and help propel us to meet our potentials just as we can do the same with (and, FOR) them. Partnership isn't just about physical excitement - in all honesty, that aspect of a relationship can (and, usually DOES) mellow out. What remains are the emotional bonds of honesty, encouragement, support, and trust. The "bad" people are constantly trying our patience, courage, and trust - what kind of life is that when it's as short as it is? And, try to avoid fooling your Self that you will be forever young - we are, each and every one of us, MORTAL, and time is fleeting for us. I would much rather laugh and experience PARTNERSHIP than wake up each morning in fear and isolation. That's what a "nice" person can offer.

Regardless of diagnoses, we are free to make the choices that we do - and, given the catch-all diagnoses of bipolar disorder, I would be skeptical under any circumstances. Bipolar disorder has become the ADHD/ADD diagnoses from 20 years ago - in order to alleviate a person from their responsibility, we just label them with something, medicate them, and move on to the next patient. Horseshit. We can choose to let go of the control issues, or maintain a deathgrip on them. We can choose to step back and take an assessment of our lives, or we can barrel through the days of our lives without a thought to what we are doing to our Selves or others. We can choose to seek the beauty of a positive, emotionally healthy Self, or we can choose to continue setting our Selves up for failure and damage. It's all about choices.

For me, it was about taking responsibility for my choices and actions, letting go of specific fantasies (like the NPD will heal if I wish it to happen), and seeing that the world is not "all about me." Once I realized and accepted that I was not the center of the universe, I had a choice as to whether I would lament that fact or become a positive, integral part OF the universe. And, it hasn't always been easy - drama still beckons, negativity still whispers in my ear, and potholes in my path of healing still suddenly appear. All of these things serve to remind me that I am a human being and that my lifetime can be spent in search of peace and empathy, or control and anger. It's all a matter of what I choose.

Best wishes to you.