It IS relevant!

It is relevant because you did not have good role models. Me neither. I did not see two people who could work out conflicts. I saw problems handled with throwing things, yelling, etc. We pick people who mirror our parents, one or the other, usually women pick someone like their fathers. If your father was never really there for you, you tend to pick a guy who is unavailable. Once I had a guy who was a little wimpy like my mother, and I didn't respect him at all. He probably was a good guy for someone who didn't victimize him like I did.

Anyway, knowing that, and knowing your father was bi-polar, you must watch yourself not to be headed the same way. The anxiety and Depression together indicates that tendency.

You need to find a way to handle your emotions. The best way is not to handle them like your parents did, but to look at other people who seem to "have it together." I had no role model - I knew of not one couple who was really happy. I just had to watch people in the workplace, on TV, sitting somewhere and people watching, etc. I always remember something I read in a Marianne Williamson book, where she was so attached to the guy, and the guy said something like he knew it and did not reciprocate. She crumbled. Later she had the chance to discuss it with him and he said he would have respected her more if she had said something like, "What? Are you kidding? You must really think you are something to think I would waste my time on someone who would not reciprocate." As I type this, I do not have the words right, but the bottom line is that she learned to come from a point of her own power, even if she had to fake it at first until it seemed real to her. Since then, I vowed never to crawl, beg, or appear as if I needed him more than he needed me. Men just don't find that attractive, and I don't find that attractive in a guy either.

To get back to the time you found the two guys with the two girls. Your guy was wrong to ignore you and not call you and let you know what was happening. And the fact that you found two guys with two girls is enough of a red flag for you not to say "I know he would not lie or cheat." Not to say that he is, but you have to go by ACTIONS, not words.

You want him to come to you, be a little more unavailable. Let him think he is missing something, and that if you can't count on him, you will find support elsewhere. This support could be in taking in a movie alone, finding a good girlfriend and going out with her, or just shutting off your phone and taking a hot bath. You want to portray that you are a valuable person, and someone who deserves his respect, support, and attention. If not, goodbye. The fact that you are willing to put up with him disrespecting you by not calling you when he could not keep his reserved time planned for you and blew you off for his old friends does not give me a picture of a girl who has high self worth. It also does not give me a high impression of him and the way he will treat you.

We date to learn. You are learning. Don't consider this guy for a guy for the rest of your life. If he can treat you like you need to be treated, great. If not, great, you have learned what to look out for. My big problem was to get some chemistry with a guy, especially one who was really great in bed, and then try to make a "guy for the rest of my life" out of him.

I had a bad childhood too. It is rough to have a relationship after a bad childhood because in that environment, you had no real encouragement, no real building up of your self esteem. You have to learn what encouragement is and both give it to yourself, heavily, and surround yourself with people who will encourage you. Find a good church, or join a 12 step group, especially Adult Children of Alcoholics, or Emotions Anonymous, but if you don't have that, then Al-anon, or any 12 step program or any support group. Check your school to see what they have. You want to increase your self esteem so that you will not give away your soul to the first guy who shows you affection.

Make a list of what makes you feel good about yourself, and what makes you feel bad about yourself. Do only the first list and none of the second.

Realize that you are valuable, and even though you do not feel it, tell yourself that you love and value yourself. Look into a mirror and say it. Say it many times a day. You should have been told when growing up that you were loved and valued, and should have been told many, many times, but since you weren't, you have to tell yourself. You have to be your own parent.

So now you are going to start on a long journey of beginning to know and love who you actually are. You are going to take this little girl from a bad childhood and give her all the love she needs. You are going to find appropriate friends for her, some who are supportive and help her to learn to judge who is good for her and who is not. You are going to encourage her when she is depressed, and doesn't want to go out of the house, and take her by the hand and say, "We are going for a walk, and I am going to remind you how valuable you are." You are going to find her a support group. You are going to read books on relationships because you cannot teach her what you do not know.

Are some of your problems physical, hormonal? Yes. And loving yourself as you are going to, you are going to work that all. I do not suggest, as someone did earlier on another forum, that you go off all birth control, if you ever plan of having sex again. Worse than not being able to take good care of yourself and consider yourself valuable, would be to bring a child into the world before you could provide that child with an emotionally healthy mother who had a solid, supportive marriage in which to raise this child.

Please, post often. Let us know how you are doing. No questions are silly. There are a lot of us who have been where you are - I, for one. I will hold you in the Light! Do the same for yourself.