A Difficut Decision

I had a very difficult year last year, one of the hardest in my life. I reconnected with someone from my distant past, the only person I every truly loved, and after a few months of letter writing, and having him tell me that he has always love me too, and finding out that he has spent his entire life in antidepressants (he was on five of them at the time) he abandoned me again, and it not only broke my heart, but it seems to have broken my spirt. I cried for hours every day for a year (I kid you not) and still break down frequently. I also lost my job last year, and went through six different job changes. I am nearly 60 and I have lived alone for over 15 years. I have no family and no close friends, and this emotional trauma has cause me to become even more isolated, as I keep to myself more and more all the time.

I am not a metaphysical dummy. I have meditated with enlighted beings, done yoga and all sorts of things, including Falun Gong and Divine Light, but nothing has ever healed my life emotionally. I don't do any of those things now, however.

I am now working very close to home and at job that is low stress, keeps me from having to commute a hour a day in heavy traffic, and is not so cold that I am miserable and have to wear coats and sweaters all summer. (This is VERY important to me). Unfortuntatley, the firm is shrinking and I have no job security, I have been given no health benefits, and not even one weeks vacation. It has been two years since I have had a week off.

I have been offered a new job, with 2 weeks vacation, health benefits, a substantial raise and a lot of job security...if they like me and I can work fast enought to please them and I don't get fired. Getting fired happens to me a lot - about 50-50. (This is not so unusal in law offices, I am a workers' compenation legal secretary) There is always risk involved when at a new job.

So I am at a loss as to what to do. Endure the stress and risk of a new job, and get back into hour long commutes and sit in a freezing cold office all day...or stay where I am, where I have my own office, the room temperature is comfortable, I know I am liked, and it takes me 10 minutes to get to work. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping, and not having to get up so early is a godsend.

I have also been having bladder pain for the past month or so.... a case of Interstitial Cystitis, that has been very scary and painful. I get very emotional, and stressed and I still cry a lot - maybe briefly one or two times day, sometimes more than that (like today). The antibiotics I took for it made it worse, but I am working with an Aurvedic herbalist who seems to be helping me.

About this job, I want to do what is best for me, both now and in the long run, but in the overall condition I am in, I need to avoid stress and so I have no idea of what that is, as either situation could backfire on me. There are not many jobs available in my field, I have only seen 3 or so in the paper all year. On the one hand, this new job is quite a find, on the other hand, I want to stay where I am.

What do you think? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. Tweet