Re: Lose of control...help

Hey sweetie, I've seen this syndrome over and over again. One person is in love with another but they are just friends. The other person does not enter in a relationship with the first. Person #1 (the one in love) is the very best friend Person #2 could wish for. Why? Because they are in love and would do anything for Person #2. Person #2 probably does not mean to be cruel, giving the benefit of the doubt, and simply finds enormous comfort in having a friend that is endlessly dedicated and reliable and there for them, in love. Who wouldn't want that - unconditional friendship, endless devotion, and for nothing in return? Of course, what Person #1 gets is a slight glimmer of hope, being strung along by the kind response of their beloved. Of course, #2 is kind in the friendship - the friendship is so very rewarding as #1 is devoted to them, heart and soul.

I saw this again last summer. Sadly, the Person #1 in love with her best friend was my sweet little sister, and it was torture. It is always torture to Person #1. If Person #2 was a kind, compassionate person and had any clue what it was like to be Person #1, they would opt to cut off the relationship to not cause the one in love any more pain, or in the very least, to sit their friend down and tell them that they do not and never will love them or have a relationship with them. Either the person is selfish and cruel, or ignorant of what it is like to be stuck in a friendship of unrequited love.

Sadly, if Person #2 ever became discouraged about finding real love and decided to settle for blind devotion instead, and did marry Person #1, that person would be stuck even moreso always trying to win love that will never ever come. It breaks the heart.

My assessment: you must face the fact that your friend is not in love with you and move on. I don't believe you can be truly friends with someone while you are in love with them, because if you are you will never move on and it will be torture the whole time, just as it is for you now, because the love WILL NOT be returned. Not truly. If your friend loved you, you would be together already instead of your friend dating and you being alone. I know this is not what you wish to hear. I think it is possible to be friends in a healthy way ONLY after you've gotten over it completely, and that won't happen in your current situation. What is also means is that to get beyond it, you must mourn the loss of a relationship that you had and the love that you always hoped you two would share.

Remember, any real spiritual growth starts with pain of growth. Cutting is a distraction from the real pain and when the distraction is over, the pain will come back stronger after having been pushed aside. It hurts more in the short term to face the pain, but when you do, you can heal it and pretty soon it will hurt less altogether and you'll no longer have the urge to cut. Better yet, your heart can become open for a love that can love you in return, and that is something truly beautiful.

I also agree with Zoebess, about finding other coping methods that heal and if this is too rough, talking to a caring professional is also a good way to be guided along the path. (p.s. don't get discouraged if you talk to a professional that seems too limited to help - try another one. There are therapists out there who are loving spiritual guides, in spite of their clinical training. That is who you want.)

Good luck. I know it is hard - I've been bother Person #1 and Person #2 in my past, so my heart goes out to you. Take care of you.

~Ruth Tweet