Re: Lose of control...help

The dynamics of relationships can be difficult
to decipher. Some men push away what they love
and others hang on to anything and then there
are all the variables in between. What you need
to decide is what is BEST for you, from your
perspective. You can still love this man, just
understand that you are sharing *his* love with
someone else.

One of my best friends is a guy I met in high
school. His friends brought us together and we
were like two peas in a pod. His parents even
declared we looked alike. Everyone thought we
would be together forever. Well, I was also in
my celibacy stage and so never consummated the
relationship and still we did everything together
and when I was in college, he would travel two
states over to make me a meal. We loved each
other very much. When the time came however that
I was ready to be intimate, he gazed into my
eyes and confessed that he loved me but regarded
me like a sister. Suddenly I realized that what
he was saying was he loved me too much to want
to inject a sexual relationship into what was,
for us both, an important friendship. Soooo....
over that speed bump, I had to decide to close
the door on him or allow him to come and go in
my life and enjoy what he had to offer me.

Did it hurt?...'ell yes. Women though are more
emotionally driven so he did not even seem to
notice. Over the years, I have met all of his
3 wives, and when he breaks up with one, he calls
me to reflect. To his credit though, he also had
to meet the men in my life. It sort of became an
issue, if a man could not accept that my best
friend was a guy then I let that guy go. Mostly
all the men liked him and grrrr...he even confessed
that he calls my former husband about once a year.
I suppose I should not be surprised. Even my
brother calls my former husband regularly. I
have chosen to see it as flattering and when it
came to meeting his girlfriends and wives, I would
tell them, I love you because J loves you.

While this seems a convoluted strange relationship,
it has worked for me. I had made the choice to keep
someone in my life that I did love in the deepest
sense of the word. When my daughter was born, he
left his family and came and cooked and cleaned
for a week for us and held the baby.

The point being, that you have a choice here. You
can accept what he has to offer and grow a relationship
based on that, or you can sail off into your own
future and cut the cords. Certainly telling him how
you feel may also help you find closure if that is
what you want. Ultimately though, this relationship
has shifted and you will be facing the repercussions
of that shift whether you like it or not.

Having grown older and learning that it is possible
to love more than one person in a way that feels
like the heavens have opened and are showering love
blossoms on your head, I can say that if you allow
yourself to let go, and open yourself to love from
others, you may find that someone will come who will
turn your head, and melt your heart.

Honor that this person helped you discover your
loving nature and who did offer you his friendship.
Dig down and find your strength and courage and
reaffirm to yourself that you are strong enough
to handle this transition and make room in your
life for the love which is waiting for you to
unlock and reopen your door to your heart.

Above all, be kind to yourself. It is normal to
grieve this loss, just do not *hurt* yourself.

many blessings,
Zoe

-_-


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