Re: It will happen in time

Yes, you are very right...I need to stay out of it. I am planning to make a point to each when they come to me for advice again (and I havent given any yet, just listened) to tell them that I think they need to go to counseling if they want to work it out. To also tell them that I value both of their friendships and it would be best if I stay out of it for the most part. From my knowledge of both of them and prior dealings with them, they will understand although they may be initially offended to a degree.

I guess I am always analytical of situations, trying to learn and such as I figured out several years ago that I needed improvement, I guess we all do. When I look at this situation, I see myself in some past relationships too and can relate with both of them on one level or another. I have been the controlled and the controller, although at the times I saw none of that in myself but I do now looking back. I went through a relationship where I was controlled and then the next relationship became the controller...and I lost someone very special to me in a similar situation. I guess that is why I posted as much as anything and one reason, besides the friendships, that I take their problems personally and wish I could help. Luckly, I have kept myself out of it mostly. That is why I look at situations like this and try to learn from them so it may help me to see a problem before it becomes a problem in me again. Although we each see out problems as unique, I have learned that the specifics may be unique but the problems are so common in relationships....trust, betrayl, respect, etc.

He shouldnt be so controlling....but if she wasnt so secretive, I dont think from my knowledge of his past relationship he would be. She shouldnt be so secretive, but if someone was hounding me as he is her, I would be cautious and evasive about what I say as well to avoid being beat down for nothing...or something really. It is a cycle and one plays on the other and both are ultimately wrong and both are ultimately right, but in the end they have what they each created.

It is funny (not ha ha funny) but I think they both understand this too. She has said I know he just wants to understand and he says I know I push to hard, but maybe as I type this I understand a little better. They care more about what THEY want than what the other NEEDS/WANTS, even if they see it and understand it their personal needs are ultimatly their focus. They are selfish in their actions and I guess a relationship needs more common goals and needs than selfish ones. So they know what brings out the problems in the other, but they only see themselves so they push forward. Kinda like the definition of stupidity....doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Thanks to all that replied and listened. Maybe if they go to counseling, they can see this to a degree that will allow them to actually change it together. I doubt it at this point, but people can amaze you and accomplish so much if they really want to.