"I guess that's something that won't change"
(there will not be PROGRESS in anything, but there will be change in the way that it will get worse).

You get the picture, but you don't want to admit it to yourself. The situation is not going to get any better, you're just going to teach yourself to be more of a victim if you stay with him.

What you have to do (for yourself) is...

learn to not love him.

and accept the fact that you can no longer know him.


If not, you will end up an abused wife some day.


Trust your instincts, you know better than to place any faith in him.

This is an easy one: I wouldn't even be with that guy, so leaving him is a no brainer.

Leave, then make a mental picture of your next boyfriend, and don't settle for anything less.

Like Harleygrl, I spent years in a lop-sided relationship and only got wasted years to show for it.

I am curious as to what it is you love about this man? He is as unavailable as can be. He really doesn't even sound likeable.

You said that you wouldn't mind if he talked to girls if he didn't do all the other stuff he does. He won't stop doing that, trust me. He gets a narcissitic feed off the attention I am sure. After all, he's a "rock star", so I feel certain that he enjoys the "groupie" attention. That probably will not change.

You are asking for our help. I think you knew we would all say "go". I went from person to person asking for help. I didn't want them to tell me to leave him, I wanted them to tell me how to stay with him - change him from a cheater and liar to a righteous loving guy. Of course, they couldn't do it. So I got angry with them, and told the story to EVERYONE, looking for that one solution that would not involve the pain of leaving and healing. Looking back that was a dreadful waste of time. My "love" was not sufficient enough to change him. This devastated me and lowered my esteem. The truth is, NO ONE has love sufficient to change another human. The person has to want to change. Has to see the destructive pattern, has to get humble enough and self aware enough to change, then has to make the necessary changes. How will you know? He will tell you specifically what it is that he does - you will not have to point it out to him - and that he is very aware of the pain it caused you. He will set about on a course of amends - all the phone numbers will be gone, and he will not be offended about offering some sort of accountability as to his whereabouts, given that he is now aware of all the distrust he created and is willing to give you the time you need to rebuild the trust. He will begin to touch you and to make love to you, telling you that he is aware that he was maliciously starving you for affection in order to hold you closer to him. He will blame NO ONE else for his behavior, with the exception of maybe looking into the past as to how he acquired his behavior. He might tell you that he must seek professional help, and might need to let you go until he becomes healthy enough to establish a real relationship with a woman ---- do you see where this is going? It is so difficult for most people to become honest enough to do all these things. Do you have the time to sit back, quit trying to change him (because you CAN'T), and wait and see IF he MIGHT come around and do all these painful steps to becoming an emotionally healthy person?? Because if all he's doing is throwing you a dog biscuit when he sees you are almost dead of starvation, then he doesn't give a damn about you and is only doing enough to keep you there. And if you are like I was, then you are trying to show him your suffering, lecturing him, giving him subtle and not so subtle hints, tearfully begging him to love you love you love you. Hoping that he will "hear" you. Well he hears you. And the answer to your questions (do you love me? will you be an intimate man with me? will you stop phone cheating and real cheating and be monogamous with me? will you honor me for the wonderful woman that I am? can you see me?) - sorry, honey, the answer that he is giving you - NOT OUT OF HIS MOUTH, BUT BY HIS ACTIONS - is NO. He is telling you NO, and you do not want that answer. So you stand there, his doormat and victim, insisting that you won't leave till he tells you YES. And he may. And he may not. If he does it is one in a million, if he doesn't then you are doomed to keep begging and groveling for your weekly dog biscuit till YOU become self aware enough to see what you are doing. I am not trying to be mean to you, I am telling you about my exact experiences. Trying to get someone to be what you need is an exercise in futility. I recommend finding someone who already has what you need.

I was very "in love" with my unavailable cheater. I thought he had the greatest personality, and he had a beautiful body, and long blonde jesus hair. And when I left him, I had a lot of issues to deal with, 12 years worth. He lives today with one of his mistresses, and is still doing all the same things, only to her. You see, SHE thought that she had the Healing Love that would turn him around. But no one does. The changes that this man has to make can only come from him waking up to him Self. I left him feeling very much in love with him, and it took a long time to stop "loving" him. I did learn that Love that is not returned is not love, it is yearning. It is indeed painful to get up and leave. It is more painful to lay there on the floor after he has "nailed" you, and watch him get up, dust off and go back to playing a video game, year after year. Healing from the breakup is painful, but years of finding phone numbers is excrutiating. Don't waste your precious time. And your life is precious - I see a big hole where 12 years went on that man. I didn't waste my time, all things can work toward the good, but I did waste precious emotion. Precious loving feeling -

Just try this. Understand that today, this is where he is. He has not changed, so today this is what he will be forever. Picture this in 20 years. What will your life look like in 20 years with everything EXACTLY like it is now. Because as of today, this is where he will be tomorrow. You can only see it that way, because as of today, he has not changed, and doesn't want to, so this is what it will be tomorrow. Can you do this for 20 years? How long CAN you do it?

You can dream all day long of what you would like to see and it will not materialize without his participation. So dont live in the fantasy world of what you would like. Look at what IS.


Remember, too that there are 2 answers to every question. Yes or No. When you say "I need you to be more intimate" and he bangs you in one minute and leaves you laying there, the answer to your question (will you be more intimate) is NO. Even if he said "yes, I really should be more intimate with you", when he does the same damn thing he does , He is telling you NO as loud as he can, and doing it in that narcissitic way where he doesn't look like an ass, but you look neurotic. They are such jerks. May be a rock star, may be creative and moody or whatever, but he's a jerk. Like I always say, even Hitler had someone. "Oh, Adolf, I just love you - you're such a man, and so talented and handsome, I love you and will be with you always" - "yes, mother, I know that Adolf is killing the jews and wrecking Germany, but I LOOOVVEE him, you just don't understand, mom, you don't know him like I know him". Think about it darling, everyone has someone that "loves" them and sees the "inner person".

Now, my question to you - and there are only two answers, because "maybe" is still a no in that maybe means not right now which is a no - my question to you is: are you ready to accept this man EXACTLY AS HE IS RIGHT NOW, WITHOUT TRYING TO CHANGE HIM ANYMORE? If the answer is no, then the next question is: ARE YOU READY TO LEAVE HIM? If the answer is no, then take a long look at yourself. Get the focus off him and start looking at why you are staying. And screw "love" - that is your illusion, get out of the illusion and ask yourself REALLY why you are with him still.

If this feels harsh, then good, maybe it will move you to action and you will stop being a victim and save yourself some years of grief. It took me years to get out of being a victim and oh the tears in the meantime. Buckets of tears and mountains of pain - god, I never want to be there again. And there are still days that I am in pain from what went before, but it is sooo much better over here. Back when I was where you are I felt people who spoke these truths were harsh, remember I just wanted someone to tell me how to fix HIM so that I wouldn't have to leave - but they weren't harsh. They were the most loving of all words told me. The people who told me really did and do care for me. They honor me and want me to succeed. And this is my hope for you.

Thank you for posting, you were my mirror this morning, and you remind me...

Please let us know how you are. We are all not here by mistake.

Short and simple....go....

if you think you are hurting now, just invest
another year, two, twenty, in this type of misery
and you will really feel crazy. I think we all
have friends who were unable to let go. It does
not reflect negatively on you if you leave but
it does say a lot about you if you stay....

let go of the dysfunction and make room in your
life for an appropriate partner who can offer you
a chance to receive, as well as give, love.

Takers will always be takers and I do not know many
who change their colors. When there is no balance
of taking and giving in a relationship...RUN away~!

blessings,
Zoe

-_-

You deserve far more than to be a convenient vagina! That's the way a man treats a prostitute!
I am outraged for you even though I am a man. This guy is a jerk and not even a nice person. He probably never was! Can you imagine the diseases that he has been exposed to and the risks that he is taking with your reproductive life? Some of the sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) don't bother men at all, but can cause a woman to find herself sterile, with no chance to ever conceive and carry a child. Is that what you have to look forward to?
The most joyous and rewarding times of my life have been sharing and caring with my wife through pregnancies and births. Do you want to miss that so he can run about diddling Miss Loose?
Toss the jerk out and don't even for one minute let him tell you that he loves you. He doesn't!

You stay because you love him and hope he will change. You stay because you believe him when he says he loves you and wants to marry you. You stay because you love being with someone, and cannot imagine being alone. You stay because at least he loves you and not only will you not find someone else that loves you like he does, the whole dating scene, is not something you want to go through. You stay because even though he has faults, you yourself have faults and if he accepts you, why should you not accept him. You stay because you look at his words, not his actions. No matter what he does, when he says he loves you and wants to "do better," you melt.

I was you. I did not see things clearly, but as I wanted them to be. All would be perfect if only he would change. Why wouldn't he change? He is so beautiful, and I love him so much.

He doesn't change because he doesn't have to. Some men just like a girl at home and one or more outside. You not only do a few necessary things for him, you provide him with an excuse not to fall in love with someone else, to not have to provide someone else with a long term commitment. If you think he is committed to you in any but the most superficial ways, you are kidding yourself. My dad was like that, and I found the one just like him in that aspect. You are not seeing things clearly, even though the universe has shown you over and over. You cannot make him change, by threats, nagging or sweetness. He may change some day, but probably not. In the meantime, you are slowly destroying yourself, your self concept. Already you are having trouble coping. Go another year and you will be a candidate for the loony bin, eating too much, drinking too much, depressed. We have to find an escape from these emotions.

Leave and don't look back (or make him leave). You are the only one who can take care of you - he won't, but most importantly, he can't. He is not capable.

He controls you with his empty apologies. Get out from under that control. You have gotten a ton of answers here, all saying the same thing. You are not thinking clearly if you ignore them.

Well you have gotten a lot of great advice, and I'll just add one more.

My ex-husband was beautiful, manly, smart...and all the girls wanted him. I felt so lucky to be with him, and that he wanted to be with me. So many girls tried to lure him away from me in the beginning. Other's were jealous of our relationship. And he really really loved me.

But he had a big character flaw, and that was women. In hindsight, I think he cheated on and off for the whole 10 years (YES 10 YEARS) we were boyfriend/girlfriend, and then ultimately married. I left him once for the cheating thing, and he came BEGGING me to come back. It was so flattering, and I fell for it over and over again. It was almost obsessive, how he felt about me. This scenario played out at least 4 major times in our relationship.

Let me guess, you too are probably fantastic when you are alone? The relationship is great. He's a good boyfriend when no one is around. He centers a lot of attention on you. You probably would cancel plans with girlfriends (if you have any) or others if he wants you there with him.

My ex also did not cuddle or do any foreplay at all.

But in the end, I did become an abused wife. I'm not saying this guy will verbally or physically hit you like mine did, but he's already showing those signs of disrespect. He has the basis for this. My ex finally left me for another woman, who was a professional cheerleader (oh brother). The part I love is that she dumped him the minute she found out he was getting a divorce. LOL!

There is no doubt that your boyfriend is displaying narcissistic behaivor.

I know how it is to be completely taken in by a cool, talented and handsome man. To have one of those that show you love and respect would be the ultimate. To have one of those that are acting like your boyfriend is an accident waiting to happen.

Honey, I'm 51, and this relationship ended back when I was 28. I look back now and deeply regret all the time I spent with that man and could have been doing other things with my life. I know it will be hard. I think you should read the following. This is the story of Patti Boyd who was the girlfriend of both Eric Clapton and George Harrison. Here was this beautiful woman who two of the most desired men in Rock and Roll were obssessed with her. And it was hard for her to resist their charms too.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=47317...


There is a difference between obsession and love. I'm sure my ex loved me in his own way, but the need to have me with him was for some other need he had, not to love and cherish, that's for sure.

I don't know if any of this stuff rang any bells, but thought I'd throw it into the mix. The woman (and men) that responded above are the best of the best on Curezone. They are smart, and know what they are talking about.

*Edit* - You must be quite a woman to have this man (so popular) with the ladies to choose you to be with. I'd say that you will not have any problems once you leave him. At the end of our relationship, he was trying to control me by saying that no one would want me. I'd been in a downward spiral of over eating, and my ego was gone. A year after breaking up with him I met the man I've been with for almost 25 years. He has never cheated on me, and he is a wonderful husband and father. He likes to cuddle TOO much, but I never complain. You'll be fine, don't worry. Walk away with your head held high, don't go out when you've sacrificed all your friends and family and have centered all your life and attention around him for years. A man should be the wind beneath your sails, and you should feel free, not insecure.

Beware, he will pursue you with a vengenance. This will be very flattering. You'll hear from others how distraught he is. You'll see him with other women, and it will be hard.

Molly

Here's the hierarchy of relationships:

1) Acquaintance. Anyone whose name you know; have been introduced to; work with; and so on. Generally a certain degree of mutual courtesy is present, but not necessary. There are no bonds of any consequence. Once separated, each quickly forgets the other.

2) Friend. A cordial relationship involving a small amount of give and take. They exchange phone calls and gifts, and accompany each other during various activities such as dining out, movies, sports, etc. Friends have many interests held in common and trust is of a moderate measure. Most young people mistakenly call their acquaintances, friends..

3) Comrade. A very strong bond involving complete trust and a willingness to sacrifice in extreme measure for the welfare of the other. Obviously, comrades usually share a plethora of interests and when they don't, then a narrow common interest is very high. These are people who often entrust their lives to one another. Sorry folks, many marriages don't qualify here.

4) Soul mates. A supreme level of human association. We know it exists, but also that it is extremely rare. Many sensitive men seek a woman in this category but their search, and desire, rarely comes to fruition since it is an uncommon woman who ever advances beyond category #2. Schopenhauer once remarked that women, like cats, are only friends of the house. Stop feeding a cat, and it will move on, since no loyalty is ever present no matter what day dreams the owners choose to delude themselves with.

Through this I think you'll notice the thread of trust. If you are not trustworthy, then the above is of little import since you'll never leave category #1, a station where each uses the other for some purpose. Often, this is what many sexual liaisons remain.

In one's interaction with others, some have a natural need to climb the scale, so to speak. Others, for whatever reason -- faulty character, fear, whatever -- live and die never knowing much more than a placid friendship.

Climbing the scale requires one to be an adventurous gambler for you know not what will become of the required "extra" one supplies. If you give more than your 50%, which any partnership should be, and find that reciprocity is absent, then it's quite possible that a desire for comradeship is not present in the other. That's when you cease and desist, for giving where it's not appreciated beyond a shallow smile and 'thank you', is a waste of your soul and very being.

Do not waste your time painting rotted lumber. Don't throw good money after bad. Never sow seeds on a concrete airstrip.

Often, we all have hopes that a relationship could be augmented since closer bonds are readily, and naturally, sought after by anyone worthy of being called human. Simply because you put in time and effort does not guarantee that anything of value will be achieved.

If a relationship is not going as you desired, then pull the plug before the inevitable future disaster follows. There is nothing -- sex, money, power -- which is worth the sacrificing of one iota of your soul and being for. And when you find someone worthy, well, you'll experience something well worth living with, though, and for.

You'll have to answer your own question for yourself.