So many excellent descriptions of narcissists, and so much tragedy. My heart goes out to everyone who has ever had to suffer abuse.

Whatever the clinical diagnosis of an abuser, it seems to me that there is only one way to avoid victimization...seek only what is better.

In other words, learn what constitutes happiness, and run TOWARD it...and take all your babies with you.

In my opinion, no one can solve any kind of an abusive situation until they know what is better...what they prefer...and can live it themselves.

Also in my opinion, abusers know who they can NOT abuse...that's why they behave so sweetly sometimes...and why they DROP the facade the moment they are confronted. A challenge is an opportunity to prove just how effective they are! More than that, they NEED and WANT challenge.

Challenge helps them JUSTIFY their need for more control. So does compliance. What is the use of beating on a dead horse?

The only way to stop them in their tracks is to be absent...gone...no victims.

All the wisdom of society has gone into training 'professionals' to deal with these damaged people, and it hasn't worked.

I think the only way to 'help' an abusive person is to show them that everyone is gone when they behave that way, and to give them the opportunity to join in happier living.

I like Jo Frost's method with children.

She begins with telling the 'rules', in a pleasant but clear way...also describing what will happen when the rules are broken. She makes sure that no one is threatened or 'condemned' by the 'new rules'...simply that 'acceptable' behavior will make everyone happier.

Then she sees to it that the family schedule includes very satifying events. Everyone gets the attention they need.

When 'unacceptable' behavior occurs, this is the procedure that is followed...

First, a reminder/warning,

Second, if the unacceptable event occurs again, the child is placed, with little exclamation, on a 'naughty seat' for a given length of time suitable to their age,

Third, a simple explanation is given and an apology is asked for,

Fourth, the apology is accepted with warmth, and the child is welcome to rejoin the family circle.

In practice, there are many enhancements to Jo's method, of course, but the basic procedure is still the same.

I doubt Jo's way would work with adults, still it would be wise to know the underlying principles of fairness in order to avoid abusive relationships.

Jo's way also points out the need to understand happiness...successful relationships. The parents need to know what is better, what the family is working toward, before they try to teach the children.

Number One in any relationship between adults is physical and mental safety, of course. No matter how much or how little adult victims know about happiness, there is only one immediate course of action...run.

Make the exit as clear and final as possible, and do it, now.

One older lady had been married to her abuser for 36 years. She and a neighbor worked out a plan where she would escape during her husband's usual afternoon nap.

'Escape' is the only way to describe what had to be done.

It worked. The woman went to her children in another city.

I have no idea why, but after an absence of months, she returned to her husband.

There are always 'complications' in an adult relationship...mitigating 'reasons', we think, to avoid doing the only best thing available.

One of the hardest things for us to do is to believe that a happier life EXISTS! And, if it does exist, we don't qualify, right?

Hah!!!

I don't understand the 'levels' of abusiveness, what is 'safe' and what is not. All I know is that, when you are unhappy with the way you are being treated, leave...whatever it takes to do that...cleanly and quickly...even if you take nothing with you except your children. Everything else can be replaced, even income.

Then you can continue to look at examples of happiness.

You will be amazed.

However, until you know for sure what you want to do, follow no one else's dictates. Make your own informed choices.

Fledgling

Thanks for sharing your story; it has been a tremendous comfort for me. Why? Because I just had to tell my own sister, who had chosen not to care about me for over 30 yrs, that I was not going to let her back into my life. She had chosen to parrot the lies of ANOTHER narcissist in my life-my brother. Both my mother and brother were very abusive to me and then lied about what they did (or chose to be totally silent. Neither are acceptable to me.) Now, to keep THEM out of my life, I had to keep HER out. I will not let ANYONE come into my life if they are willing to lie about abuse or SIDE WITH THOSE WHO DO.

My main narcissist is my husband. HE lies up a storm about what he has done. Just know that there is tremendous comfort if YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. To me....."Truth is Jesus' middle name--"I am the Way, THE TRUTH, and the Life." So even if NPDs lie about everything on this earth, in this life, there will come a day when all that stops. It's over. It's the END. They cannot lie anymore. Whoopadeedoo!

A person with this diease is a person who can't validate their own actions. A narcissist has made their sick pampered life into a world of their own. Only to one day feel as helpless as their victims. I enjoyed your passage and I wish you a good life!