yeah... the irony of the whole thing is that in an effort to have something in my life that i have control over, the disease is such that shortly the disease begins controlling you- yet again leaving me with another aspect of my life in which i am the pawn.
i have very little self control, and that is something that i wish i could change- i don't know how to. i feel that if i were able to be in charge of myself and my own behavior that i would have the upper hand in most aspects of my own life. i know the concept sounds so elementary, but in my case, it's a very hard thing for me. it's very embarrassing to admit that i have trouble with things that children learn how to master. i'm almost 31 and i am having to learn a lot of simple things for the first time. i never learned them the first time around. i comfort myself by telling myself that at east i am making steps in the right direction- no matter how silly i may feel, i am not going to let pride keep me stagnat. i am choosing to become an active participant in my life, and i no longer want to let life just happen to me. i believe that the Lord will help me on my journey, and i am excited to see where He takes me.

thanks so much for both of your responses- i don't have time right now to respond- i truly appreciate being able to share from my heart and having other intelligent, sensitive, courageous women (& men, too) understand where i am coming from- i feel like i am supported and my unacceptable behavior is viewed as something that i did, not who i am as a person- i spend most of my time hating myself, that it is nice to share in a forum where who i am (and my worth) is not defined by my disease. thank you-

i have started bringing soup with me to the store and taking my medicine in the morning and when i feel the need to binge b/c if i throw up, i will be throwing up my meds and that's not something that i can afford to do- i know it sounds like games, but i find that i have to 'manipulate' myself in order to make the healthy choice.

may God bless you- good night.

thanks, sarah, for your advice- i totally agree with you! i have sought professional help- over and over again- i have been inpatient in hospitals since the year 2000 - 5 times, to be exact- one time for 6 months because i had been so sick (79 lbs) and had to gain 50lbs while in the hospital. have you heard of johns hopkins hospital? it's in baltimore, maryland, and with the Lord's help, that hospital saved my life- their philosophy on eating disorders is one that creates success in the fight for our lives- while many of us do become statistics, hopkin's survival rate is higher than that of other hospitals, and i am so blessed to have been able to go there- again, sarah, i thank you for your candidness-i hope others see your post and take your advice-