This is such a weird thing to discuss for me cuz it's hard to even know where to begin. I unfortunately have been raped & sexually abused on more than one instance by different men. So to that extent I am not just talking about one particular event. But even if there is just one specific act of rape, it often relates to other background factors or emotions & then the resulting effects of course as well. That said, allow me to venture a disclaimer that this may include someone unnecessary facts or may exclude others that you'd consider important. I'm just kinda trying to sort my way through the mess that is the past few years of my life, & decipher what is significant & what's not... In other words, I hope this makes sense, & it if does not, forgive me.

For starters I am a 25 year old female living in Miami. I moved down to Miami about 3 years ago to attend graduate school (law school in fact). I do love South Florida though & intend on remaining down here if at all possible (it's dependent on the whole job-hunt situation which is an entirely different story). Well anyways I came from a kinda rocky & troubled past. My parents, like most, divorced when I was younger (about 10) & had a very messy custody dispute over myself & my siblings. After my mom won she moved us out west & I had a hard time w/that. My mom had an alcoholic father & various other problems. After I finished high school & moved out she was diagnosed w/borderline personality disorder- for you psych buffs who find that diagnosis at all meaningful;) She did the best she could & I love her as my mom, however we really butted heads while I was growing up & she made my life very very difficult. I of course had a part in the problem too, but to put it off as normal teenage rebellion or angst would simply be inaccurate. Anyways I have always been a pretty smart kid & had lots of friends & was involved in high school (in student council, choir, dance, etc.). But my family problems eventually took their toll & I got pretty involved w/drugs back in high school & spent my senior year in rehab. After I finished rehab I moved back down to FL for undergrad. I had a decent time in undergrad. I was in a serious rel'p for nearly 5 yrs all through undergrad extending up through part of grad school (I'll mention it a little later). I worked roughly 25 hours a week while going to school full time & paying most of my own bills (altho my dad covered my tuition- thanks dad:). I graduated magna cum laude after 3 1/2 years w/two majors & two minors & a 3.87 GPA. So I was doing okay, right.

I got accepted to this pre-grad school scholarship program over the summer prior to begging law school. During this time I befriended a few fellow students also enrolled in the program. Upon starting law school a couple of those people were in my classes for the year. One of them in particular (I'll call him "R") & I became very very close. Now my boyfriend at the time had moved out west to Cali for a job (I know, miami & san fran- talk about long distance right!?!). At that time my ex & I had been together like 4 years & managed to visit each other every couple months. Point is R knew about this relationship & respected it (or so I thought). R & I eventually became best friends during my first yr of law school. We were very very close. I guess there was a certain degree of flirtation between us, but I am somewhat flirtatious by nature & never had ANY attention of R & my friendship transitioning to anything more. Plus I was always very very clear about my relationship w/my ex & my desire to be w/him. I knew R had a little crush on me & I may have exploited this to some degree- nothing extreme but he would pay for drinks sometimes when we were out when he knew I had no money or like get my homework for me if I missed class. I have always had a lot of guy friends & have always been flirtatious w/men (I worked as a cocktail waitress for over 4 yrs through college so my tips kinda depended on it.) I didn't really see any danger in the situation as I thought that underneath it all the boundaries were rather clear- it was playful flirting, that's all. Didn't mean anything, didn't imply any interest, period.

Well during my second semester in law school I was out partying w/R & other students one night. I got pretty wasted & ended up passing out back at his house (which wasn't exactly rare- I trusted R & as far as I was concerned there was no reason to worry). Well on that particular night, or early morning to be technical, I woke up to R feeling all up on me. He wasn't like having sex w/me but he had his hands up my skirt & his fingers inside me, rubbing on my breasts, etc. (Sorry for any graphic details.) Well when I woke up I just froze, I was in shock. I mean this was my best friend, I trusted him. Plus we sat next to each other in every class, were partners in moot court (a major major law school assignment), & all of our friends were mutual. I didn't say anything, I just stood still for a second, pretending to be asleep. Then I pretended to wake up slowly enough where he could compose himself & not feel he had been "caught." I wasn't sure what to do, I just kept thinking about how I had to see him every day in school, how I had trusted him, how he was supposed to be my friend. IT made me physically sick to think about it, whenever he brushed against me in class I'd nearly vomit. But I kept it in. I didn't want to cause drama. I wanted to forgive him & forget about it, but I just couldn't seem to move on. After the end of the semester I eventually confronted him about it & he apologized, but needless to say things were never the same. I started skipping class & withdrawing more from school just to avoid him. It really affected me.

Over the summer when I flew out to cali visit my ex, I decided not to tell him about the incident w/R. I knew he would just worry & I felt it would strain our already strained long-distance rel'p. The trouble was that by me keeping it a secret it strained out rel'p regardless. I got depressed & didn't want to go out. It wasn't the reason we eventually broke up, but it was certainly a major contributing factor to say the least. I may have been better off telling my ex, or maybe I should have told on R. But the truth is I responded how I did & I can't change that now. So please don't judge me for that if you are reading this now. Well time goes on & I come back to miami & start my second year of school. Midway through my fall semester my ex & I split up. We were dating almost 5 years so it definitely upset me to end it. At the same time I am generally fairly resilient & I moved on pretty fast. I had been w/my ex since I was 19, so I was really excited to finally have the chance to be single. I started dating a lot. Wasn't really looking for anything serious but just having fun.

So in January of my second year in grad school I had a date w/this one guy. We were supposed to meet at a starbucks for coffee but he was an attorney & requested that I meet him at his office instead cuz he needed to send out an emergency fax. As a law student I totally understood cuz I know that things can come up last minute that need to be addressed right away. I also figured it'd be cool cuz I could get a tour of his office- you know the whole networking idea. Well when I arrived I never saw him send a fax & have come to believe he did this just to lure me in. Regardless of his premeditation or not, he ended up locking me in his office where he then raped me. It was very surprising for me. I didn't fight him much physically, I just told him "no" said it was too soon & asked him to stop- which clearly he didn't. I have had kinda weird/questionable interludes w/guys before. But normally this is after a night of drinking or partying or major flirting, etc. This situation was different.I hadn't been drinking anything, it wasn't that late at night, & we had just met up. IT was totally innocent on my part. Perhaps I was naive to meet at his office, but I had no idea was would come of it. My point is this was a situation I couldn't just write off on the booze or my behavior. I had been pretty responsible & still, it meant nothing. I was really upset & ashamed. I told my best friend but made her promise not to tell anyone else. I had some negative reactions of course (my best friend actually saw me cry for the first time in out 6 yr friendship), but for the most part I tried to keep it under control. I had some trouble focusing in class & got confused w/guys. I ended up dating this one guy for like 1- 1/2 months right after it happened that was very controlling. I had an 'in by dark' curfew & he basically told me what to do. It's like I didn't trust myself & just wanted someone else to protect me. I figured what I thought was okay hadn't worked, so maybe what he told me was better. Things that would have never been okay in the past all of the sudden didn't seem so awful. He never hit me, but I always thought if he did, so long as it wasn't hard or often, it would be worth it cuz I would rather have him controlling me & protecting me from other guys than feed me to the wolves. It seemed like a small price to pay for safety in the big picture. Eventually his rules felt too extreme & we broke up.

After that I started to get back into some of my old habits for coping with my pain. One night I was out on a date w/another guy. He was a med student visiting from NY who was gonna move down to miami to do his residency. We met up at south beach club where he was w/a group of his friends. We partied, had fun- drank, & as the morning crept up slowly he invited me back to his cousin's place for an after-party. I told him that didn't mean I was going to have sex w/him & he seemed to agree, saying "we'll just see where things go, that's all." I will admit part of my interest in going back to his cousin's was to party more. I knew it was bad & I should probably call it a night, but all of his friends seemed fairly nice & I didn't feel really threatened. Anyways once we arrived at his cousin's place I was immediately led into a back room where he forced himself on me. I still have trouble in my mind if perhaps this was just very very rough sex. I know I said no, but I sometimes like to rationalize & take the blame myself. I'd rather be at fault for something cuz then I can pinpoint the problem. I have change my behavior & I know I'm in control. But what happened next was unquestionably rape. After he left the room his friends came in, one by one (3 in total) & forced themselves on me. They took turns holding me down & kept me there for house going multiple times. I said no repeatedly, tried to push them off, told them I didn't want it over & over again. In the end, none of that seemed to matter. I remember being so scared. When my date finally re-emerged & drove me back home w/his friend I recall a point in time where I thought they might pull the car over & kill me to make sure I'd never be able to tell. So I tried to be calm, make jokes, act like nothing bad happened. Something worked cuz they took me back to my car, even inviting me to go out w/them that night (I may have been dumb, but I wasn't that dumb).

After that I didn't talk to anyone for a few days, didn't leave my apartment for over over a week. I would have mild panic-attacks just thinking about going out. Clearly I didn't go to class. I ended up telling my best friend & contacting one of the deans from my school. I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by a very very supportive dean & understanding professors. In that respect, I was very lucky & I am forever grateful for their kindness to me. I have remained in school & tried to function as normally as I can. But it is hard, very very haaaaaaaaard! I am by no means near being fully recovered. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever get there. I had a horrible time in school this past fall semester of my final year, getting the lowest grades of my entire life (all passing though- thank God!). I get scared to go out & will feel very very depressed sometimes for no reason at all. When I do go out I feel uncomfortable. I feel like everyone knows what's happened. Logically I know they don't, but I still feel like they can see right through me. The kind of attention from guys that used to flatter me now makes me scared & nervous. I almost try to hide, even when I am out in baggy t-shirts & pants, baseball caps & no make-up. I have gained about 10 pounds too over the year. Partially for being more of a homebody & another part of me I think is doing it almost for protection. Like I want to hide, go unnoticed. Being attractive makes you stand out, & in my case it gets me in trouble.

But at the same time I was always a very social person before all this went down. I have always cared about how I look, maybe even too much. I may had depended on it, it was a large basis for my sense of sense-worth. I know that isn't healthy per se, but it's still how I always identified myself. Now being 'cute' makes me feel unsafe, so i fight it on one hand, but then I don't know how to identify w/myself & I hate myself for feeling ugly or acting antisocial on the other. Perhaps some people can identify w/my story or reactions. I just feel sad all the time. I want to be the same, I want to be happy. But I know I never can be totally the same. I feel like I've lost myself. I'm graduating this week & it's so bittersweet. It's something I should be proud of right!?! But when I look back on the past couple years of my life I feel anything but proud. Plus I feel gross for gaining 10 lbs & because I've struggled during school I am not so confident about my ability to get a decent job. On top of all this I have to start studying for the bar now- & for anyone who's a lawyer or familiar w/the process knows this is not an easy task! I think it'll be good cuz it'll give me something to do, fill my time. But if I fall into a Depression & slack at all, I'll be screwed! IF anyone has any comments or advise or anything to say- please share, I'd love to hear your input & I really need some support! Thanks & I wish all of you much strength on your own journeys to happiness!!!