relationships 
em_socal
17 y
5,731
† Cross †
I have been in a relationship for a 1 1/2 years. The beginning of our relationship was pretty rocky due to the fact that my boyfriend was hiding things from me and was in a woman hating mentality. The last couple relationships that he has had the girls were EVIL. I mean really evil. Soap Operas can't even come up with the shit that they pulled. But I am a southern girl who moved to the West Coast, with all of my moral upbringing in tact when I met him.
I have never really been a sexual person and for me to sleep with someone right away, is very unusual, but with my boyfriend I did. I knew that he was experienced, not the degree but women can sense that about men sometimes. So I told him right away that I had only slept with 3 people before him and I was scared a little bit. He kinda of laughed it off and chalked it up to me pretending. He had never met anyone that had only had sex with 3 people! He lived in the city for most of his life, he himself and all of his friends were........VERY sexually active and so its very hard for him to believe that I am telling the truth. A year and a half later, we are still having fights over him not believing me!!!!!!! He keeps saying, " It's okay, you don't have to be ashamed. You can tell me how many people you have slept with." So I tell him,"Well, including you 4."
"Why are you lying to me???"
"I'm not. I'm telling you the truth."
"I don't believe you. I think that's just what you want me to hear and believe."
At this point I usually am very angry and upset and start yelling, which doesn't make my case any better.
I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The thing is he won't even tell me how many people he has slept with, but he has such issues with my number!!! When did this become a huge problem for guys in relationships?!??!?!!? I have never ever met anyone who has criticized and not believed someone because their number was too low!! I mean I feel like I could have screwed the whole football team and he would welcome that better, than for me to believe that you shouldn't have sex with someone unless you care about them. I slipped up with him, made one mistake, so am I going to be punished forever because I was horny?!? I had a lot of guy friends growing up, so me being around men and not having sex with them, he just can't believe.
So how should I handle this?? I told him after the fight last night, which there hadn't been one in a long time, and I exploded, I didn't care what he thought anymore, I knew that I was telling the truth and I'm never going to waver from that, because it's the TRUTH, and I'm not going to get upset believe me or not. And that he is my best friend and he is not acting like much of a friend right now." But I just get sooo angry when he doens't believe me, because I have NEVER lied to him and he has lied to me, but I still believe him and he can't trust that I'm telling the truth over something soo small and insignifcant as how many people I have slept with?! Infuriating. And 90% of the time I could spend the rest of my life with him. He is absolutley amazing in all other aspects than this one stupid little thing. But how do you deal with the person you want to be with forever not believing you?!?!
So if you know any anger relievers or how to handle this situation please inform me because I'm swimming in the dark and I don't know how much longer I have before I get tired.
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- Re: relationships been there done that
17 y
5,206
This is a reply to # 1,038,768em_socal,
I'm 53 years old and I know what people are like. You should not even know this person as a "friend". He will take advantage of you, "use you", and cheat on you.
You like truth (you are a "goldmine" to him). He lives his life without truth (schemes, sneaky), he is a different kind of person, he has you "snookered"/confused you, he wants to keep it that way.
1) He doesn't mind infuruating you. He doesn't mind suggesting that you are a "liar" (not nice, not respectful).
2) He knows that you are not lying, but he can't allow you to realize that, he must keep you "off balance" so that you don't realize his real intentions/schemes and you continue to think that anything that is amiss is your fault (your anger/imagination). He wants to keep you confused. There is no other reason why ANYONE would accuse someone close to them of lying (and for so long) other than a "cover up" (it is a diversionary tactic to make something else/insignificant an issue).
He has you convinced that the problem is YOU (your anger/imagination) and that to solve "the problem" you must "look elsewhere".
OPEN YOUR EYES.
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Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
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- Re: relationships pb3046
17 y
5,166
This is a reply to # 1,038,794I agree. Accusers are the doers. Don't think he is faithful to you. Those that accuse, and are jealous, are the ones who are projecting what they are on you.
Wake up and look for red flags.- Re: relationships em_socal
17 y
5,089
This is a reply to # 1,038,801i know he is faithful. we live in south korea together and he rides home with our roommate everyday and they are not apart from each other. our room mate is japanese and they work at a shipyard. from the time that he gets off work to the time he goes, we are together. And the organization that he works for employs no females. So with fidelity out of the way, what other reasons would he be doing this? I think its because he's ashamed of all the sexual partners that he has had and he can't believe that not everyone uses sex for comfort or revenge or whatever people use sex for other than to feel close to someone. His family life was tough as well, his dad always accussed his mom of being unfaithful even though she wasn't. Is there a chance that he will ever give up on the guilt that he feels so he projects on me?
- Edited #55728
17 y
5,060
This is a reply to # 1,038,804Hi em,
Being jealous doesn't have to mean that someone's a cheater. If you've had your trust in other people badly bruised it doesn't mean you'd do the same to others. Acting like a jealous idiot sometimes, doesn't mean you'll cheat or want to cheat.
You sound like you've got pretty good insight in to why your boyfriend is acting this way. I don't hear any of the usual excuses for someone's behaviour that people who deep down know they are being seriously fooled, will use.
He sounds like a good guy but with hang-ups like most of us have in varying degree of annoyance to our loved ones and ourselves, but that aren't so bad that they wreck others' lives.
I would suggest using EFT or some of the techniques used by Abraham/Hicks. I have personal experience using them to reach a person in a way that is often just not possible by mere talking/arguing. If he's in tune with you, he will "hear" you. There's lots to read on the internet on both Abraham/Hicks (I don't buy in to all of it but they're clearly on to something) and EFT, which is a proven method. We are all energy beings, and communicating via these "alternative" ways with someone can work better.
Good luck : )
- Edited #55728
17 y
5,060
- Re: relationships em_socal
17 y
5,089
- Re: relationships em_socal
17 y
5,165
This is a reply to # 1,038,794thanks for your feedback. i cant just let him go though. i know it sounds odd, but i know he'll never cheat, but ugh. why does he target this one ting?
- Re: relationships been there done that
17 y
5,193
This is a reply to # 1,038,803Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
That's a classic response, em_socal. You're not the first to be taken in, not by a long shot.
When people do not have a "good reason" for ACCUSING someone of doing something wrong (some people will MISTAKENLY accuse someone of stealing something from a room because thet don't know who else could have stolen it), the "accusation" is being made for an illegitimate reason (a "cover up").
1) even if they themselves have not DONE anything YET, they are sinister minded and should not be trusted (but it is EXTREMELY unlikely that they really have ever been innocent of ANYTHING).
2) when they continuously accuse you over a period of time, the reason they CONTINUE to accuse you is that "accusing" you has worked before (it is a "tried and true" method) and they have found that it works.
You KNOW that you cannot be CONVICTED of lying (and so does he), but ACCUSATIONS are done for a reason (outside of MISTAKEN circumstances).
I grew up in a dusfunctional family and was chosen to be the flunky of the family since day 1 always being on the recieving side of their frustrations and insecurities (I know evil when I hear or read of it, and that's what you're dealing with).
(51 yrs. of suicidal Depression until I outlived my whole family).
Get out of that relationship, salvage your life.
- Re: relationships Zoebess
17 y
5,128
This is a reply to # 1,038,803I agree with the sentiments of the other posters.
Also, from my personal experience, when a man begins
to play this game, which to me, also signifies his
lack of self esteem and perhaps a history of someone
playing the game of jealousy with him, I tell him,
I cannot make you comfortable, I can speak my truth
and if you choose not to hear it, that is your issue,
not mine. Only you can make yourself comfortable and
make the choice to believe me. It can provide for a
cathartic conversation but you also run the risk of
the person not being able to face the truth as reflected
by you and they will bolt. This should be seen as a
positive reaction as it is better to be left with
your own self esteem intact, rather than be beat down
by someone who is revisiting on you, the trauma they
have experienced. I think for those who have been
mistreated and their sense of trust undermined, that
change is difficult since they see their ability to
"play the game" as their fount of power, and are often
unwilling to relinquish it...
I wish you well~~
be happy, be well,
Zoe
-_-
- Edited #55728
17 y
5,083
This is a reply to # 1,038,803I'm just feeling that some of the responses are a tad negative and coloured by the personal experiences of others that might not be similar to yours? I might be wrong, it's just what I think.
You know, sometimes people have this idiotic way of trying to force their worst fears to come true. It doesn't mean that they want it to happen, but it reinforces their view of the world again and again and in some way this makes people feel "safe". Maybe the only kind of "saftey" experienced in earlier turbulent situations where a bad outcome would be the only thing to count on, sadly. Maybe that's what he's foolishly doing? It's not constructive but human "logic" can work that way.
Using some different "energy techniques" could help both you and thereby also your boyfriend come to term with this. At the "worst" you'd probably be more clearminded about the situation and about what to do. Or not do.
Again,
good luck : )Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- Abuse is ALL about energies #68716
17 y
5,295
This is a reply to # 1,038,851Abuse is fed by negative energies, period. However, from personal experience in healing, Surviving, and having assisted others in their Survival, no amount of New Age Energy Exercises will change the nature of an abuser. One's desire, wish, dream, or effort to practice a healing energy exercise is going to change the core of the abuser, one iota, one bit, one fraction, or for one minute.
The GOOD thing about practicing positive energy exercises is that it may (or, may not) provide the VICTIM with some sense of well-being so that they can muster the courage to walk (or, run) away.
To assume that the respondants to the original poster are speaking from their own experiences might have a shred of fact - but, what is even more important is that, unless a person has Survived an abusive relationship, they have no business discussing coping techniques with a CURRENT victim. They haven't experienced the gammut of negativity associated with abusive relationships, nor have they experienced running the gauntlet of escape, healing, and Survivalship.
The original poster is floundering in a cesspool of abuse, humiliation, degradation, dehumanization, objectification, and absolute (COMPLETE) isolation. If she chooses to remain after having obviously identified herself as a victim of abuse, then the consequences of her choice to remain lie firmly upon her shoulders and not those of her abuser.- Edited #55728
17 y
5,171
This is a reply to # 1,039,655Thanks for the input SoulfulSurvivor.
The original poster of this thread hasn't replied yet and I'm thinking it might have something to do with the kind of replies she got. In my oipinion they were in themselves sort of abusive, no matter how well meant. If she actually was in serious trouble, I'm sure the answers here have accomplished nothing more than scaring her away and getting herself even more involved with someone many here seem to fear is no good for her.
I'm not a man but I think there's some serious male bashing going on in this thread as well as weird assumptions about women.
I think it is a good idea for everyone, what ever experiences we have, to be a bit humble and careful in giving advice. Someone might take it, for all the wrong reasons.
I'm glad for you but you are far from the only "Survivor" in this world SoulfulSurvivor. Neither does it neccessarily follow that you are the most fit to give advice because you are a survivor.
Let's just hope that em is finding a solution to her problem and that it is the best solution for her.- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. farfanarma
17 y
5,227
This is a reply to # 1,039,853Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
Some people might think the answers were male bashing especially if they are in the habit of defending bad actions.abuse is abuse if it comes from a husbnd/wife/sister/brother/parent.I agree that positive energy will be helpful only when the victim is safe. her bf is abusing her emotionally and if she already knows it or she wouldnt be looking for affirmation! - Re: Well, we'll just have to see. been there done that
17 y
5,201
This is a reply to # 1,039,853The trouble with crossposting on non- Health Forums ("emotional adversity", emotional Health Forums , etc.) is that you get alot of replies from posters who really aren't familiar or sympathetic to such situations and wouldn't know a tear if they tripped over it because they were either born with a "silver spoon in their mouth" and never knew a hard days work, hard times, or a day of trauma (emotion that changes your life), or simply never had any warmth in their heart to begin with. People like this would be so heartless as to suggest "energy techniques" to a 5 year old victim of a car crash. What's more, their level of intelligence is that suggesting "energy techniques" is actually "HELP".
On behalf of humanity,...
No thank you for your "helpful advice", 55728, we (humanity) rather you not insult us with your "compassion".
- lololololol!!!! #68716
17 y
5,134
This is a reply to # 1,039,943Beentheredonethat....LMAO!!! Man, you can say it like it IS!
And, just to clarify: I do not engage in "male bashing" for the sake of ...wishful thinking... or to make my Self "...feel 'safe!'" I AM safe, thank you. And, my best friend is my husband - he was there to wake me up when I was having nightmares about my ex, demonstrated absolute compassion when I suffered post-traumatic-stress syndrome, and has supported and encouraged me to be the best human being that I can be - EVERY day.
No, I see them as I call them - a victim is a victim and abuse is abuse and an enabler is an enabler. "Positive energy" has its place in healing. It does not have The Power to convert an abusive and/or controlling individual (man, woman, other) into an empathetic, sympathetic, kind, encouraging, supporting, POSITIVE human being.
Time for a group hug, then? (grin)- YES, group hug!!! EDITED been there done that
17 y
5,103
This is a reply to # 1,039,945Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
I have no misconceptions about you, Soulful Survivor. I know very well you don't male bash, far from it. My experiences have taught me to be very intuitive (sensitive, WARM,... "thank you God").
I understand very well that "happiness is contagious" for an accident victim, and serenity's life long health benefit.
Happy, easy going, and just people (settled in their conscience) are more likely to retain good health in their old age (barring extensive physical and permanent damage). Only SELF can have serenity (the real healer) and only SELF can have a conscience [settled].
This has even been recognized in the academic world as Psychoneuroimmunolgy and Psychobiology, but widespread acceptance of this would put the medical profession out of business, so, officially, it is "quackery".
- YES, group hug!!! EDITED been there done that
17 y
5,103
- lololololol!!!! #68716
17 y
5,134
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. molly bloom
17 y
5,054
This is a reply to # 1,039,853Hey, I don't male bash. But I do tell it like it is. Men and women are as different as night and day. Even though there are definite cross-overs where some men might be more effeminate, and some women might be more manly, still the vast majority are living parallel lives.
I love men. But I also understand their differences. I am sure that there are many men out there confused as hell by us women. We are for the most part, complicated.
I'm not perfect. I'm pretty sure that my husband may silently curse me on many occassions. But I am if anything, very respectful of my man. I'm so glad to have a good circle of girlfriends to discuss the hard times. It would be so hard to try to figure all this stuff out myself. My girlfriends love my husband, and always bring me back to the clarity of my deep caring for him. They are pretty slick, validating my dissatisfaction while exhorting his virtures.
My feelings about our poster? Her man is being nothing more than extremely immature and stupid. I am cautious because I was terribly abused for 10 years. I am always hopeful for love and relationship success. If a man is abusive and a NPD, there is nothing left to do but leave. If a man is being stupid, there can be hope. (you can change the genders around in the above paragraph if you wish).
But how do inexperienced people that have never fallen into the trap of an abusive relationship really know? Soul Survivor has made many posts that correctly identify and define an abuser. This information needs to be constantly posted and updated because I feel that some day, some woman is going to read it and get it. I understand what she meant when she correctly identified two things the poster said "woman hater" and "aggresive questioning". Both those are signs.
In the long run, only this young woman will be able to put the pieces together. Me? I'm hoping for stupidity. But if there is more to it that she is not telling us, or doesn't see, then Soul Survivor is her best friend.
Molly
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. farfanarma
17 y
5,218
This is a reply to # 1,040,007i think its abuse bashing!viva la differance between men and women its what makes relationships exciting.What if we were all the same gender?wouldnt that be dull. i hope the original posters bf is just beint stupid too
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. been there done that
17 y
5,259
This is a reply to # 1,040,283I don't know if "bashing" by the "original posters" could have referred to anything I wrote, but I don't "bash" either gender's differences, I "acknowledge" the differences (even 'celebrate' them). The unfortunate competition that often exists that is often not recognized as being benign and even 'desirable' (because you're right fanfarma, without any differences to overcome/share in a relationship, there would be no suspense/adventure, it would be "dull" and pointless to say the least).
The adventure of life and it's relationships (friendships included) is in the "differences" (without them, what would there be?), and allowing them (not abolishing/ignoring/neglecting/denying them as 'intolerable'), but acknowledging (enthusiastically even,...EMBRACING) them. And so, I "acknowledge"/recognize them (ungrudgingly).
What I don't validate is the politically correct DENIAL that these differences exist (very dehumanizing,...humanity "bashing" itself). Gender differences could be summed up as...
Male----OBJECTIVITY.
Female--SUBJECTIVITY.
They don't CANCEL each other, they don't BALANCE/equalize each other, but the combination (and ONLY the combination) CAN equal true harmony (the mystery/meaning of life). The beauty and attractiveness of differences can be seen when someone is speaking in monotone, it is 'unnatural' to our senses.
It is not the differences that we should object to, it is the DENIAL of them that is wrong. In the past 40 years, it became fashionable to be politically correct and dehumanize each other.
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Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. been there done that
17 y
5,259
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. em_socal
17 y
5,335
This is a reply to # 1,040,007No I'm not hiding anything. I know there are many forms of abuse, and I know people who are experiencing them or have before. My boyfriend has never physically assulted me, trust me I wouldn't be here if he had. I have a strong insight into psychology of humans and an interest in helping and understanding. In the beginning I learned a lot about him and his uncle who is a psychiatrist told me not to let him get to me in the interest of a Science project. Those words hit home. Ever since then I don't put up with his %¤#&!§-. He almost lost me once and that's the day he really quit playing his games. Granted like the fight last week, he still will push my buttons when he gets defensive. When he got home from work the day that I posted this bulletin, I greeted him at the door with a list of things I needed to talk to him about. He confided that he does believe me and that he just gets stupid sometimes, and when he starts getting a reaction its already to late to say stop and that's why he tries to go to sleep ( I am one of the people that believe that you shouldn't go to bed angry and usually make things worse). But I have een reading that going to bed angry isn't as bad as we think as long as you talk about it the next day, sometimes emotions are flying to high and the defensive tactics make things worse. I don't know I am very stubborn which makes me a strong person, like most people who responded to my post.
I deeply appreciate everyones responses!!!! You don't know how much you have helped out. To SoulSurvior- I am sorry for everything you have gone through. My boyfriend would also console me about anything and everything. Unfortunatley I didn't get to touch on how good of a person he is only venting when I was extremely angry. I know you think my responses are "typical of an abuse victim" but they are typical of someone who is in love and gets in a fight when they know that even though its a big deal its not me getting talked to like a dog for extended periods of time. He doesn't tell me he's the best that I wouldn't be able to get any better. Your advice and insight is going to help a lot of people and give them the confidence and insight to wake up and see what is happening. With me, I feel the situation is different, because I see what is going on and will not tolerate it and will leave if it gets bad. Thank you soo much and keep helping those who don't have a voice for themselves.
To Molly_- I believe that you are correct. I think he is just being stupid and defensive. Thank you for being a voice of both sides.
And to all those others you are wonderful and hopefully if I need other adive you will be my support team again and one for all the others!!!!!!!
THANKS!!
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. #75156
17 y
5,340
This is a reply to # 1,040,768you wrote...when he starts getting a reaction its already to late to say stop and that's why he tries to go to sleep ......
It isnt too late to stop.its too much control and that is why he opts to leave the argument on his terms. Uncle is a psychologist and is warning you about his game playing? bingo
Expand 21 messages, 21 to 41 of 41 #68716
17 y
5,572
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. #75156
17 y
5,340
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. farfanarma
17 y
5,218
- Re: Well, we'll just have to see. farfanarma
17 y
5,227
- Edited #55728
17 y
5,171
- Abuse is ALL about energies #68716
17 y
5,295
- Re: relationships been there done that
17 y
5,193
- Re: relationships pb3046
17 y
5,166
- Re: relationships been there done that
17 y
5,206
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