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day 2/30--
good times...
Date: 4/16/2007 10:45:33 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 2318 times I was just about to write 1/15th of the way there, but then it occurred to me that I am not going into this fast counting down the days until it is over. I am truly excited about the changes that are going to occur in my body and so excited to become super healthy. I had decided a while ago that being a raw foodist is something that truly resonantes with me, so knowing that after I stop juicing I will be going to a raw food diet is also very exciting! Exciting, and it keeps me from having really strong food cravings for shitty food. On my other fasts TV commercials have triggered cravings, but now that I have mentally committed to eating raw food only, those commercials sicken me! I look at it and think "that's not even real food". HOW GROSS!
I have always known how much love I have for myself, and it is so sad that it has been covered up for a year by this eating issue. It is such a viscious cycle- being upset, thinking of food to make you feel better, eating the food, feeling horrible for being unhealthy and fat, then eating more food. It is a hard cycle to break- but once you identify the cycle it gets much easier! I have grown up a lot in the past year because this eating disorder has caused me to really question aspects of myself. I know that I have will power and I know that I deserve more. That said, I'm not too sure why I kept going on this rampage of eating for so long. I think it's because I got away with it- I was never "overweight"- 135ish for 5'5"..thank god, i owe that to my genes- but I did get away with it in a sense. People could have never guessed that I overate or was unhappy about my body. People just assumed I had gained a little weight as a natural process of growing up. HAHAHA....sooo not the reason.
It is actually revolting how much I would eat- I would literally not stop eating for anything. In one night I would eat kraft dinner (a whole box), 2-3 bowsl of sugar cereal, a large poutine, lots of chocolate, many many cookies, oatmeal, bagels...I mean the list could literally go on forever. I would leave friends houses early just to go get food from some fast food place, or purposely hope that my roomates would leave so that I could sit and pig out. I would find excuses to go downstairs to the kitchen when my boyfriend was over like trying to find something, when really I would go eat. I would pretty much do anything to eat- find any excuse. It was literally the highlight of my life for a year. It was always about the next high, and I mean it when I say high. I would get a high from it, a surge of adrenaline. I mean I can't even explain how crazy it sounds, I am so envious of people who cannot relate in any way. I would decide to binge, and go to the 24 hour grocery store and just buy anything I wanted...I would walk around those aisles just knowing I could have anything I wanted, trying to find something that would make me happy. Happy for what? An hour until I went to bed? I would even eat in my car sometimes- so embarassed to eat infront of people. I also justified me eating like this by not feeling embarassed when buying ice cream or anything- I am one of those people that look at an overweight person buying something unhealthy and think in my head "they dont need that". As long as I didn't think anyone was doing that to me, I felt like I was okay and didn't have that big of a problem. The problem should have been realized when the fastest my heart rate would ever go was when I was binging. It still blows me away that that happened.
Eating completely took over my life. I know that I was depressed and miserable this whole year- I had the best experience of my life travelling with my best friend all summer and couldn't even truly enjoy any of it because of my eating habits/depression. I never wanted to go out- nothing looked good on me or so I thought, and I never felt good about myself. I still had guys hitting on me and everything so at some times I felt good- but I think more than anything I felt horrible knowing that I was like this on the inside. I didn't want to be a person who was controlled by some stupid external factor like the sugar rush of food. I hated that this was the one thing that I hated the most in my life, yet I was the one that caused it. That was so hard for me to understand- why did I inflict all of this pain on myself??? WHY??? I can't think too much about how angry I am at myself for doing this, because that will get me no where. This was a learning experience in so many ways and I'm glad it only lasted a year. I learnt a lot of things about life in general and about myself.
I know understand and relate to people with addictions, which in the society we live in today, can be a very helpful tool. I am hoping to become a Doctor, so knowing what having an addiction feels like could be very very helpful. Through all of this eating and binging I have realized the effect that being overweight has on you both mentally and physically. I became obsessed with how to lose weight, which caused me to come across many forms of dieting and nutrition, everything from South Beach to Fit for Life. It is because of this extensive research (research I would have never done other wise) that I know that I want to become a raw foodist. I think that as a university student I would have never thought twice about what I was eating or what I was putting in my body, and now have become a person who only eats organic fruits/veggies, doesn't drink tap water, no gluten, wheat, sugar, coffee etc. I am sure that I would have never become such a healthier person had it not been for my food addiction.
This juice fast is also going to be absolutely wonderful- I can't even explain how happy I am that I am doing it. And this time I KNOW FOR SURE that there is no stopping me. There wouldn't be anything in the world that could get me to put food in my mouth- nothing. I am so happy about how good I will and already do feel and it only gets better! I am hoping for some detox symptoms as it will be an indication of the removal of the many toxins I have accumulated, but overall I expect this fast to go pretty smoothly. I am SO EXCITED for the old me to return- the happy optimistic very social person, and also excited for the healthy addition and more aware person I have become. I am more aware of all the shitty chemicals in things and realized how much more simple and wonderful life can be. I really have been put into perspective.
I don't ever want to binge again- ever. Even now sitting here there is a little part of me that would enjoy the 10 short minutes of eating everything in site, so until that feeling of slight enjoyment when I think of binging goes away, I will be juice fasting. Even if that takes 40 or 90 days. I have heard that it takes 3 months to break an addiction, but also heard the 40 days. Which ever comes first I will take- I also want to juice fast for as long as possible until my body has truly felt the benefits. I am fairly young, only 20, so there can't be that much damage done to my body, but I hope that I know when it is time to break the fast. After I break the fast I will be eating raw fruit for at least 2 weeks, depending on how long my fast ends up being, and then just eating raw alllll summer! SO EXCITED! I LOVE MYSELF.
Also going raw is going to really inhibit my binging- if i can't stop eating for weight loss purposes, at least I won't be allowing myself to eat anything shitty. I guess you can't really gain a whole lot of weight binging on cantaloupe (my favourite food ever, even when I eat the SAD).
Wow, that got a huge amount of stuff off my chest. I am already feeling so happy and so much better about myself. I also have learnt that I truly am a very vain person- this is something I want to work on, but appearances are so important to me, I'm not sure if I will ever get over it. That will be next- after I get over this addiction. I am so upset that I have an addiction- I always thought of this being for people who had a shitty family life or some huge issue they are trying to cover up. Not that my life has been perfect- during high school I suffered the loss of the most important person in my life at the time..if that wasn't bad enough, this happened twice in 4 years. But I feel at peace with what happened and truly believe that I chose to have my life involve such great losses as those. That is why I truly feel that my eating obsession was just an addiction to sugar...I may be naive for saying this but I was fine with the deaths of these people before the sugar addiction crept in, and still don't think about these tragedies as something that ruined my life in any way.
Well I feel immensely better....enough said I believe. I can't wait to be reading this when I am completely better, skinny, healthy, happy, and truly the person I want and know I can be.
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