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what this blog is really all about
searching for why islam, DID and natural health go together for me
Date: 12/27/2006 3:29:02 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2632 times
my bf asked me about my goals for next year. i said something like to generally become a better muslim, blah blah stuff like that. but it got me thinking. it got me thinking about past, present and future. more importantly it got me thinking about meaning...and significance.
i have achieved my past two new years goals. the first was to have quit smoking by the next new year. the second was to keep living my life by the principles i learned from giving up cigarettes. although non-specific it worked because in this last year ive given up drugs and alcohol (for Allah) along with many other things.
so my goals this year are going to be more specific. working as a student nurse taught me a valuable lesson not only on setting goals but on how to achieve them. because that is what nursing was all about: problem solving by setting goals. and it really works. because in nursing, you have to be practical, you have to be realistic, you have to do what you say you're going to do and you HAVE to achieve what you set out to achieve - otherwise your patient doesnt leave the hospital. so the method that nurses use to achieve goals is very effective.
this takes me back to my very first steps i took to improve my health about three years ago. i had just turned 20! i applied the theory behind planning and implementing nursing care plans to my own health. the goals were very simple and looking back they were the very basics - stuff like drinking a certain amount of water/day, exercising, healthy diet and cutting down smoking. they might have been small steps but they have lasted to this day! and they are the foundation ive built on every year.
so this year im going back to that way of setting goals, since it was so effective.
but first i want to get things a little more clear.
im trying to figure out the one thing ive always been looking for. i know ive come a lot closer to it since those first few goals i set three years ago. i know ive come much closer still since being guided to Islam. this imperceptible thing is now so close i feel as though the only thing separating me from it is a fine mist. my heart starts pounding when i think about it. so i know its close.
those first health goals i set myself are for some reason inextricably linked to my search for this unknown thing. that time was a big turning point for me in so many ways, some of those ways i do not even understand myself. i know three of them and they are what this blog is about. i can remember the moment exactly and it was as if i turned around for the first time and .... im at a loss for words to describe it. without doing it justice i can only say its the time when i decided that happiness and light was something in life to be achieved by striving to be a better person rather than just expecting it to happen to me. in short, its when i started being good.
my life was literally filled with light at that point. it was amazing. i can see it in my head, the exact time i started to see things i hadnt seen before, and i started to understand things. things became meaningful. maybe it was Allah removing the cover on my eyes and ears. ive often thought of that time in my life as the moment i turned to God. i am so grateful for it.
anyway. that moment was the first real step on my journey towards this unknown thing. that moment is wrapped up in three things: my health, the Truth, and Allah.
i have already explained where my health comes into it. the rest i will explain now.
its funny how i have always been obsessed by finding the Truth. i think it has something to do with having DID. like there have always been times in my life where i have blacked out and not known what went on. until this year i tried to ignore that it was happening. but i think having large amounts of time unaccounted for develops a sort of detective like quality in a person - because of losing time my life has always been so confusing and bewildering and so i have always been bent on trying to figure things out. sometimes i try so hard to figure things out, that i just lose time again! it is quite funny i suppose, but i know i only laugh it off because taking it seriously makes it actually very scary.
finding the Truth is parallel in two aspects of my life: my past and my present. the Truth of my past is all about the trauma that my mind survived by dissociating into different parts. the Truth of my present is all about what life is really about, and to me that is Allah.
firstly i want to talk about the truth of my past. that moment of revelation i had three years ago marked the start of my journey towards understanding my mental health problems. i had seen so many psychologists and psychiatrists but none could help me because although i would talk about depression, anxiety and self harm i was too afraid to admit about my blacking out. i was terrified of it, it was my deep dark secret that i had no idea how to understand. but since that day i had many many small insights over time that eventually culminated in i guess you'd call it a nervous breakdown. it sounds so bad to say it like that but essentially thats what happened. i had very bad ptsd and this meant like flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and a whole load other stuff. i couldnt function. i couldnt even leave the house. but i am so grateful i dont see it as bad at all! because FINALLY i found out the TRUTH of my past and having gone through all that last year, i finally found out i had DID. for the first time in my life, things made sense and that was really amazing. and now i am rebuilding my life, recovering from everything. it is a great time. ive had so much amnesia from dissociating that there is SO MUCH of life i havent even experienced so it is really really amazing. everything is new. everything is exciting. i think in life, you only experience highs that are equivalent to your own personal lows. this is my first taste of high and i like it!
im digressing out of enthusiasm!
the other part of the Truth i started finding out about that day was finding out about Allah. only back then i knew Him as God. my family is non-religious, non-spiritual. but i always remember wanting to be close to God. i remember praying when i was younger, and not knowing how to do it properly. i remember feeling funny because no one in my family would ever mention anything like praying or anything about God but i felt such a strong need for God. i do remember my mom being very strict about us not 'taking God's name in vain' i think its called. so it was nice to have learned to have respect for God from her. that was good. well, i guess ive just been trying to find God my whole life and i got misguided and confused by some other religions during my teens before i finally found out the Truth about it. it happened at the same time as i understood the Truth about my past. the two things are linked because i guess they are one in the same in my personal history. but that is for another time. anyway, I was guided to Islam after my world view got completely turned upside down and my life has just got more and more amazing ever since. the more i strive to do good and do things that please Allah, the better my life has become. Subhanallah!!!!!
so over the years, these things are what my life has got to be about. Striving to face up to the truth of my past, striving to be a better person and for some reason, striving to improve my health. i still dont know how my health fits into it all! maybe that is what this blog is going to be about! i know since the improvements ive had so far with it, its made it a whole lot easier to strive for the other things so maybe thats it.
so i know that this search ive always been on is something to do with these three things. so thats what my goals this year are going to be focussed on. thats what im going to be journalling here.
the thing is, i know in my heart that i may get so very close to what im looking for but i wont ever fully understand it until i am before Allah on the Day of Judgement.
but im so sure its the striving that is the point.
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