Blog: What's Wrong With Me???
by Faran

Gotta Be Kinder . . .

Down Day . . .

Date:   1/2/2007 1:44:37 PM   ( 15 y ) ... viewed 2415 times

Hi There,

I finally had a 'real' day, yesterday. I cleaned my house, made an awesome supper, and felt like I was 'here' for a change, instead of spaced out and foggy. But then today, I woke up feeling like I'd never even slept, and immediately felt defeated and depressed. It's 2:30, and I feel so drained and exhausted . . . sigh. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, even if I feel so bad. It's like this 'higher me' is saying, "hang in there . . . it's gonna get better." So that's what I'm listening to, instead of the discouraged emotions I'm feeling. It's gonna take time, plain and simple, and like some of you who've commented have said, it took me years to get this way, and I can't expect things to suddenly change over night.

I've always been an upbeat, optimistic, positive person, who always tries to see the good in everyone and everything, and who always wears rose colored glasses, when it comes to peoples' flaws. I just believe that each and every person is beautiful, no matter what. Everyone has so much value but some have been so hurt in life that they wear masks-- sometimes ugly ones, just to protect themselves. People just aren't careful enough with each other sometimes. I try to be careful with peoples' feelings.

But here's the problem. When it comes to myself, I'm not so kind. I've been my own worst enemy, most of my life, always putting everyone else first, to the point of forgetting my own value. Why this comes up now, I don't know, but now that I'm aware of how mean I can be to myself, I'm working on changing it. I guess it's a habit to beat myself up and kick myself when I'm down, like today, when I can't even work on my writing, which is my passion. I just can't concentrate, and it's frustrating. I don't know how I'm supposed to meet my deadline, when I feel like this, so I'm having a lot of anxiety.

Well, tomorrow's another day. For today, I'm gonna try my best just to relax and rest, even though being stuck in bed is the last thing I want. I'd rather be outside in the fresh air but I hurt everywhere. My back, shoulders, and neck are so sore. Even my arm muscles are aching. I don't want to take 'drugs' for it, because I don't want to make it worse in the long run. Heating pads work wonders. :)

Anyway, enough complaining. I'm just having a rough day but I'll get through it. Maybe tomorrow, I'll feel like I did yesterday. That would be nice.

Hugs & thanks for listening,

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