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Day 8
I think the gate holding back my emotions is starting to open for better or worse...
Date: 5/30/2006 9:15:01 PM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2474 times Today was another challenging day but not for reasons that make sense. What I mean by that is today I didn't even have the desire to eat food. Sure I'd love to chew something but its no longer the huge issue it was the first couple of days into the fast. Right now I'm feeling sad and confused about the direction my life has taken. I sometimes feel like I'm powerless to steer it in the right direction cause I don't even know where that is. I keep questioning myself as to what I'm suppose to be doing with my life, what my purpose is, who should be in my life and what it should or should not be like right now. Yes, I'm very confused. I'm drifting right now and I don't know how to stop myself or even if I should stop myself. Maybe this is all part of the "plan" or maybe its not....
Anyway, one of the issues I have with myself is that I still allow myself to be intimidated by people for the stupidest reasons. I think back a couple of months ago when I had started to run. I was consistent with my training and got up to running 5mi without stopping that's almost running an hour non stop. Anyway, I go to work one day talking about how I had such a great run that morning and someone says to be "you don't look like a runner, you should be a lot skinnier" after 3 months of training I stopped just because of that stupid comment. I have loads of other examples.....I've been thinking a lot about this and I'm learning...the hard way....first, when I'm doing anything like fasting, running or any type of self improvement I need to first focus on how it's making me feel. I never lost any weight during the 3 months that I was running but I felt really great about myself. There were so many great things that I loved about it like feeling accomplished after every run, setting out to run and doing it, feeling my muscles get tighter, walking taller with more confidence, seeing the sun rise every morning while running, doing something REALLY super good for my body first thing every morning, every day....these are the things that should have kept me running. These out numbered the negative things which were not losing weight and getting up super early to run. With anything like this I NEED TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF. I get so excited that I want to share these things with other people. I want them to see the other side of the fence, to feel good about themselves and empowered that they can change! Anyway that's how I feel when I'm doing something really great for myself (the flipside is this....) What generally happens is most people can't handle that someone is doing something positive and trying to escape complacency of everyday life that they (whether consciously or not) put you down for it....I don't understand this. Why can't we all just be happy for each other? encouraging towards each other? motivating? loving? kind? huh?.....
Anyway, I've been thinking about these things and I think I'm going to start back with my running. I really miss it a lot even if its just a couple of times a week to get me back into it again I'm going to do it.
So today was a battle of the mind. I'm feeling like I can control my actions (by not eating and by fasting) but I can't control how I feel about myself right now. I think the best thing to do is just let it all come out. At some point I'm sure I will be able to sort these feeling out.
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