I find myself now in a much needed pause, the beginning of more quiet regenerative days to come - up in the country with its fresh healing air and wonderful environment, blissfully away from work, people & the city for as long as I can manage to be.  10 or 12 days this time - which was enough to cut the hectic work loop and give me the space to start my springtime fast.  At laaaaaast is all I can say!!!!  I needed this.  I'm 47 now and this is the hardest go climbing back up the hill yet, I really worked myself hard.  

Over the last 10 years, I busied myself building a village across a group of special rented sharehouses I furnished, made a creative environment in and managed - literally hundreds of people came through and lived in the village over all those years - I couldn't even remember them all - wish I had had some kind of pictureboard - it was good, it was bad, it was ugly, it was beautiful and inspiring and many friendships were made as well as brutal and full of all the problems of housing and poverty youth culture and an increasingly dystopian era, we went through the covid wars and the madness of lockdown in Melbourne which was severe and ongoing and had huge effects on us all - what a load of globalist bullshit - 

I went through cancer and 3 major surgeries and a massive heartwrenching love affair that wrung me out to no end - there's a lot I went through - stuff that would make most people crumble I'd say.  I'm not that kind though, I never give up.  It has been tiring though and it's going to take me longer this time to get back to being able to do my full set of kundalini yoga, get my body supple, strong and full of energy again 

I managed a little empire and am finally in the stages of shifting out of that foundational groundwork I did trying to make a cool way to get the resources I needed to get my band launched into the music industry while also making cool homes and meaninfgul community for many people on the way.  

People misunderstood me, few people got to know me or befriended me as the work got more demanding and times got tough - Covid times were appalling and I saw the worst in society and people but I didn't go under, copped a lot of loss and so many people living off me robbing me, unreal really how much people steal now - its so bad.  It strikes me as strange how people can't comprehend that I actually am genuine when I built something cool they all came to be part of and enjoyed the benefits of,  Money is involved though and people have huge issues with it - housing is always a shitfight and I did my best to make it something better than just that - I succeeded, we lived in mansions and awesome heritage manors and special places, lots of uplifting environments - it's estranged me to do all that and not be appreciated or even recognised, but I've learned from that - to become more independant, discerning, more aware of the samsaric nature, less shocked or suprised by people and the things they do, and better able to find high ground as a result.  I've become much stronger even if I am tired and a bit weak in the body right now, it won't take too long to rememdy that.  A couple months of looking after myself and taking space away from all that.  Main thing is, I did it and it was good.  I would prefer to have more friends and be recognised for my intentions, but whether people take notice or care in the end or criticize me or misjudge me it really just doesn't alter my course. 

So now I've been here 8 days, fasting on milk, cups of tea, herbal tea, one or two mild coffee's most days - didn't have any today, cocoa, and kefir some fresh cold pressed fruit/veg juices

have emptied out a lot and am starting to slim down, I really need to - stacked on too much weight this past Year of The Tiger with no heat all winter and a cheap chinese landlord who wouldn't fix it which made things really hard because the house was way too cold to do yoga in - I walked and did Chi Gong when I could but was sick for 3 months - got assaulted once and had some minor injuries to deal with then had to re-locate and move the whole community there, 6 Bedrooms, 2 Caravans and another 2 Vans, A packed Shed and the whole place furnished with heavy antiques, artwork, and the lion's share of the work on me to find another suitable place and organise the move, do the bulk of the move, set up the new place - bond clean the old place whilst running my band and other 2 houses on the tail of that illness and moving 2 massive 7 bedroom houses last November - so yep.... that has been hard on my body!  Whew!  Never again!!! 

I knew I was weak physically and couldn't do everything I normally do and all the heavy lifting this time so I hired young fit team of guys in their 20's and a van and boy - 2 of them never showed for the whole thing even though they had committed and I had put my money down on the van and had to be out - with every extra day in the manor costing hundreds - thanks dudes!!! So in the end - the guys we had left did move almost all the heavy furniture but my poor old bestie and I were non stop lifting boxes by car load all day every day for more than 10 days just to get out and then the bond clean on us and then me alone mainly to set up the new house and then and then and then it was just an onslaught and my feet are injured, I have tennis elbow - my body got locked up like a rock - I just wan't in shape for it this time round 

anyway... weird city I live in and culture... and era... I haven't had a boyfriend for about 8 years - God know what happened there, it's not that I'm not beautiful, successful, romantic, a catch - its more that in my environment, and I see this happening for so many people - the guys who are around are so shut down and depressed, low self esteem, poverty, no real job prospects has left them in despair, covid made what was already bad worse, at that stage most people deepened into drug and alcohol habits that were already prevalent and more social isolation and despair - I am really suffering from a serious lack of hugs, cuddles and that kind of close support and companionship - it really messes with your body and energy - we really truly benefit from touch, pats on the back, someone to rub each others shoulders and do massage - I get some occasionally from my ex who is in my band and helps me more than any other guy - some of the other guys in the community help out with some house stuff here and there but in 10 years there's never been a man to come stand beside me and fill those shoes, take that role and balance this village.  I'll be glad to move on from this work - it's been great - great as it did bring benefit and fulfilled a lot of the things I built it for - it's been too much work for one person though and I am winding it down now.  

Well it ain't the 60's or 80's or even 90's or noughties anymore - and people don't form groups easily and get behind stuff - its an age of the self and not the group.  Building a community was like going against this and people certainly needed that and benefited a lot from it.  That doesn't mean they got on board much to help though - sort of like throwing a big party all the time where there's always only 2 or 3 of you cleaning up after.  You can do it for awhile - especially if you get paid and make a job out of it which I did - but ultimately you can't keep doing that forever.  It was a massive massive adventure and will always have a million memories and lots to write about one day when I am rested and looking back.  The best parts were making many friends and acquaintences I would have never been able to meet otherwise & kicking my goals - scratching the small nest egg together to be able to afford to record with big industry producers and get in front of them - it also provided the studio space for my band and my piano being housed somewhere I could play it all that time - so we had great spaces & now working with one of the best kit drummers in the world & heading up in Feb to record with the director and A & R man of UMG - who can sign my band to any of the major labels under UMG's impressive Global banner.  Hallielugiah

I want to do so much more than I have done. all that stuff was just the launchpad for my real work & I will be very disappointed if I don't get to do it.  Even if what I am attempting is that far reaching that I realise it would be a great blessing and incredible to have the opportunities to really do even half let alone all of it, I know its possible and the doors are now there before me at long long last.  

Funny thing is - and probably not so suprising, that now they're in front of me and I worked that hard to get there, I find myself so worn out lol - wow, what a climb, so I've got from now - 8 days in till end of Feb, to get lean, buff, fit, energized, get the songs all ready to lay down (some already are) so my numero uno job from now to then is looking after number 1 & this is the best time of year to do it - success :) 

I do have the best support in the Known Universe thru the grace and refuge in my wonderful Dharmakaya Guru's whose protection and blessing is without measure.  So this time I am studying and on Annual Dzogchen Retreat - ah today I am just very flat.  Day 8 in the fast - not suprising really.  I ate a small tin of sprats I found in the cupboard and a couple squares of chocolate because of it, drinking a bit of extra milk with cocoa and sugar.  I have done a lot in 8 days so I guess it's ok to have a tired day - I have done one ro 2 hour bushwalks almost every day since getting here as well as some stretching, little yoga and Pursothama Yoga, and Chi Gong move that really restores the chi - been taking medicinal mushroom powder and B vitamins and Zinc and Grape Seed Extract and using this pack of NuSkin facial treatments that is really good - also I went and harvested some pine and cedar and have been bathing in that most days - that helps a lot to restore lost energy - had about 3 or 4 evergreen baths now - I can't recommend that old Daoist treatment enough - Pine is Life.  It is so good.  I love that tree. 

I guess my spirit needs restoration as well - it's been a mountain of work for so long now I don't really remember life any other way.  Leisure for me became collapsing on painkillers or lying spent in my bed chatting on my phone... I don't watch tv or movies or anything - I definately need to chill out and spend more time in relaxation - I had a lover for awhile who did me a lot of good, chilling out with him and getting into altered states through eroticism was so healing.  He moved away - so we can't catch up like that anymore and I haven't clicked with anyone else like that, he was very rare and wonderful - we were not romantic, it was a very functional and healing exchange though.  

I was deepy in love with someone these past 6 years, still am but I am so angry at him now - I feel like probably better I never see him again but I am trying to bite my tongue and be careful what I express.  Maybe I will feel different later.  Part of me thinks its over and stay away and is so furious at the hurt he caused me and how he used my dreams like weapons to lure and tease me and string me along for years, keeping me away from love - refusing to be with me yet demanding that if I loved him "how could I love anyone else" and acting the whole time like he might work out eventually - god what an evil thing to do to a person!  In the end he destroyed my chance to have children, something that meant a lot to me - and only after he lured and teased me with it endlessly for about 3 years telling me I should have a couple kids and what should he do with himself now he had found something impressive, it was heaven for him too - then telling me all the while he wasn't my boyfriend but how could I try and go out on a date with someone else - totally nuts and beyond selfish and it cost me something irreplaceable. I worked so hard in part to buy us a house in the country so we could get married and have those couple kids, I wanted nothing more - I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone, he was my dream & in the end it is just a really awful nightmare.  Go figure huh?  

I don't think I'll ever get the explanation I want or a deep apology or any sort of thing to make up for it, like him actually coming to be with me and giving me his whole real love which would still make me very deeply happy - I think he is just too bent and sick a person - I don't like feeling this anger and hatred and I know I don't really hate him and would be so upset if anything bad were to happen to him - I get sick at the thought - I just want him to wake up - and that is so unlikely.  I don't know what to do - move on I guess, I just - well, nothing has felt right all this time - like an unresolved problem - it's starting to get really old though and I think I'm healing from that and moving away from it - I don't totally rightly know, it's been so back and forth but I am seeing him as a sick man now and not believing in him the way I did.  I hate losing - bad loser.  Worse at letting go. I feel really sick with a lot of men & having said that I love men, there are just so few around me in my life who are actually forming supportive relationships with women - its really rare to see - out of the whole big world of friends and people I've created I only know 2 or 3 solid relationships in my generation - its that rare.  I guess that is why I also tried so hard to nurture one guy who I loved so much who showed some interest in the whole thing when no one else did - not from my culture anyway.  It is brutal & I can't bring myself to have casual sex anymore after loving someone that deeply and making love to him.  It makes me feel sick now to be with anyone who isn't connecting to each other like that.  He showed me something that was heaven but then he told me he couldn't live in heaven - the connection between us was real, but he was set on betraying it for his own weird reasons because he was in grief from losing the central female he loved as a child and other complex trauma - so goes his war against love, life, fulfillment and happiness.  He really had no business at all in mine considering that was his true commitment.  It was totally unfair to show me all that lead me on and block everything forever.  Bloody monstrous and a massive sin. 

Hence this lot of feelings to work through.  

My Guru has been teaching me a lot though about how everything is dreamlike and illusory, impermanent - I knew that but it didn't pierce me though enough because it doesn't negate the preciousness of what we share in the dream of this life and it's meaning even if that is relative - but then he said more, he spoke about how we are in the Kali Yuga degenerate time now and I can clearly see that - and he said now things are not ideal, and to accept that, because that's how it is - things are corrupt, people are selfish and all these problems are proliferating, and that is so true - that made so much sense to me - so I have been able to understand his sick condition better - I don't think he set out to hurt me and himself so much, he did care for me but he is also a betrayer and has deep problems - we both do, I thought he would find more goodness inside and grow up and was really decent but he wasn't - I also was blind and couldn't see his real situation.  Maybe I have a lot of forgiving to do - him and myself... love is as deep as an ocean and one can never get to the end of it... 

we are living in a buddha's bubble on the surface of the degenerate age, not falling in the pit with the rest of humanity... lost in the sham of brainwashing and political agendas to bring so much destruction upon humanity -- it is a time to step lightly though the corpses and zombies and find the living ones to dance life's dance with - it's not easy, its full of deception - it is how things are now - many will fall to it, most will.  I'm here to sing to them and help those I can help who need a guide, a light, a voice.  Who knows where he is taking himself - he's not taking me with him, that much seems certain.  That's 3 times I tried to make a life with a guy 2 of them I loved to the 4 corners of the earth... so far every one of them and so many more have bashed me, taken my money, used me for something or other and none of them are here now except my last ex who is a committed dharma practioner and in my band and a truly loyal person even with his insane problems and violence awful things he has put me through the things is genuine renunciation of that and commitment to keep trying and never giving up does change all the karma.  We all make mistakes and are capable of horrible things - its holding to those things and not the proper things that really dooms us though, not the mistakes and faulty actions we make along the way.  

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