Blog: Lauray’s Success in Annual 40-Day Fasts Blog: 2013
by lauray

The Fear-/Shaming/Discouraging Voice Says I Can't Change Yet

Starting to tackle the problem of my Resistance, & My Feeling of UNREADINESS to take on the "FOOD-SOBER AND FASTING" way of life

Date:   3/24/2013 6:51:36 PM   ( 8 y ) ... viewed 3861 times

Need to write about this.

i so need to write about everything I have gone through in the past several years and tried to get support for on these forums.

Also.

What I mean when I say the fear-voice is: that feeling that says: wait. i ... don't feel ready to commit to this new diet or this fast...

Part of this voice says some very ugly things. These are the echoes of people screaming at me, shaming me for being ... in control?

Telling me my control was not real, valid, or acceptable?

Making me feel I had to earn the "right" to be in control as I wished to be, and that THEIR APPROVAL ALONE, THEIR satisfaction with me/my being/my personality alone conferred that right?

i am remembering being bullied in 6th grade -- Deanna Hicks and kellie Olson -- using every recess to jeer at me "Miss Perfect! Miss Perfect!" ...I was unacceptable


I so need to write better and more thoroughly about this whole thing. i didn't even realize deanna and kellie were a part of the voice that makes me feel so raw and unready
... or that tells me my rawness is cause for giving up... that I have no right to move forward without passing some kind of test of ... "genuineness as a person??"

Everybody was always mad at me for seeming to be in control and never seeming to feel anything.


OH, and LINDA SLOANE also raped me! Told me my desire to be in control was unacceptable!


In fact it is just as Armen Weitzman suggests -- that each of us has his own inviolable Way, and way of relaxing, which deserves the respect of others. probably he was parodying a manipulative/unfeeling psychotherapist type who said that when he, Armen, said it, but whatever.


BUT


Though I DO FEEL FRAGILE even in my resolve to abstain from processed food despite my conversion experience and awakened determination to get healthy and awakened healthy terror about the state of my health, all of last night -- though I really don't know what I will f u c k i n g do tonight --


THE ESSENTIAL IS THAT I HAVE IDENTIFIED MY RESISTANCE AS MERELY A NEGATIVE VOICE... NOT AS A REQUIREMENT TO ACT OUT MY DESIRE TO EAT HEDONICALLY... i needed to state that much more carefully and gently/precisely. But i need to take a break now. i am shying away from the essential but I need a break



[EDIT: THE THING IS THAT I ESSENTIALLY FEEL RAW AND UNREADY, BUT MY CURRENT , MORE CONSTRUCTIVE ATTITUDE IS NOT TO WAIT UNTIL I REALLY FEEL READY... TO BELIEVE IN THE IDEA THAT I AM ALLOWED TO CHANGE NOW................................................................................................................................................................................... OH WHAT, OH WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???

i feel a bit as though I have created a nightmare little world for myself in this writing and destroyed the good world I created last night when I determined to stop eating processed foods and take this fast.

the fast seems long now and intolerable! i even have these thoughts of eating instead of returning the remainder of the processed fudes i bought

oh God help me


yeah i think motivation is so tricky and in this c u r e z o n e context I have this rage at people and this ... seems to interfere with ... my making tender very spiritually -elevated decisions??

where is there a better context for me to make these fragile positive decisions in? f u c k, i can't believe blogging has had the effect of destroying my commitment to my own food-sobriety

I FEEL TOO VULNERABLE TO BE HONEST AND REALLY CONFESS EVERY CRAVING, IN THIS C U R E Z O N E CONTEXT, BECAUSE OF THE RAPISTS PRESENT IN IT! I'll explain my calling them rapists in a moment. But I know it is necessary to be vulnerable and really really open ... one has to feel the people around one really respect one and one's goals and really accept one unconditionally

and that is NOT the case here. i need a context in which I CAN. REALLY. CONFESS. MY. EVERY. HORRIFYING. UNWILLINGNESS. TO. FAST. AND. BE. FOOD-SOBER.


???? I GUESS???


GOD HELP ME



I AM ****TERRIFIED***** OF MY LACK OF WILLINGNESS TO BE SOBER AND MY LACK OF WILLINGNESS TO FAST

HOW HORRIBLE AM I GOING TO ALLOW MY LIFE AND HEALTH TO GET??

CAN I EVEN CONVINCE MYSELF THERE IS REAL DANGER?

IS THERE REAL DANGER?

YES: LOOK AT HOW I COULD NOT EVEN GET OUT OF BED TODAY TO SAVE MY JOB AND LIVING SITUATION!!!!! OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME GOD PLEASE HELP ME GOD PLEASE HELP ME


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