Devoid of Empathy 10 y
No empathy means no accountability
For me, the ability to experience empathy is priceless, though it can be grievous as well as rewarding. To imagine the feelings of others helps me to remain in touch with my humanity. Sharing in the pain and grief of others helps me to appreciate the joys and triumphs of my fellow man. This, in turn, prepares me for the same events that I. Can face grief and trials with courage and dignity, and revel in the sheer joy of Life.
The former abuser was completely devoid of human empathy. Whether he was genetically predisposed to this malady, or whether it was a learned behavior doesn’t m ... read more
False Hope 10 y
False Hopes and Stockholm Syndrome
A ”false” hope is an unrealistic wish that has no chance of becoming true, and becomes an emotionally paralyzing focus. False hope factors heavily into the cultivation and intense perpetuation of Stockholm Syndrome with regard to domestic violence and abuse.
Again, CAPS are intended to emphasize, and not interpreted as shouting.
So, is Soulful suggesting that maintaining ”hope” is a bad thing to do? Heck, NO! Hope can be a powerful and positive healing energy. But, ”false” hope is an emotionally crippling endeavor when an unrealistic wish becomes an internal focal point that sup ... read more
The "p 0 r n Factor" 10 y
Graphic p 0 r n encourages violence and abuse
How does hard-core pornography factor into domestic violence and abuse? Again, my use of CAPS indicates emphasis, not shouting.
Human sexuality is a very interesting aspect of the whole Self. It is a fragile aspect that can be warped beyond comprehension, and the availability of in-home hard-core porn has defined the perceptions of an entire generation.
”To each his own,” is a response that many victims of domestic violence and abuse give when the question of hard-core porn in relation to sexua| activities within the relationships was raised. One woman who is still with her abuser ... read more
Hopeless? 10 y
As long as there is LIFE, there is HOPE
Is a situation of domestic violence and abuse entirely hopeless? No, it doesn’t have to be, but many are. Some victims screw up the courage to leave, get involved in strong healing counseling, and evolve into Survivors of incredible strength. Other victims get out of their situations only to choose another abuser. Those who remain in their situation remain victims for the rest of their lives and dissolve into organisms that feel that they are worthless and ”deserving” of the abuse that they endure. Still others try to get out, only to have their courage extinguished by murder.
The ... read more
Entitlement 10 y
Domestic violence, domestic abuse, family violence, fraud, entitlement
”Entitlement” occurs when someone feels that they deserve something that they may, or may not, have earned. It’s very normal and appropriate for us to feel that we’ve earned something and are, therefore, entitled to it. A job opening ia available, and Ms C has been an honest and dedicated employee, and deserves the promotion. Mr H is is awarded the position, even though he has less seniority and a questionable track record - Mr H meets a certain criteria and Ms C has every reason to feel that she was ”entitled” to the promotion. However, Ms C also knows that Life is not guaranteed to b ... read more
Abusers & Pets 10 y
Pets are expendable
One of the most disturbing aspects of my personal experiences was how the former abuser seemed to ”love” animals, and yet used them to terrorize and/or punish my children and me.
When we began dating, I was riding in competetive equestrian events and had trained my Labrador Retriever as a gun dog for duck hunting. I also had cats, was a docent at a city zoo, had volunteered at a humane shelter, and I had a deep and abising love for all animals and a clear understanding that human beings are stewards of Nature, and not owners.
The former abuser acted as if he was supportive and encou ... read more
Turning Point 10 y
Choosing my own path
A ”turning point” is something that provides a personal epiphany - an event or episode causes us to rethink and make a decision or choice. It’s probably called a ”turning point” in reference to a fork in our Life’s Path - one way goes off to the left, and the other heads off in the other direction. Nobody can make that choice for us and we are ultimately responsible for which direction we choose. For victims of domestic violence and/or abuse, we are constantly presented with these options and the mere act of making our own decisions can be almost paralyzing. How often is a victim remin ... read more
Exit Strategy 10 y
My posts go back and forth without any specific timeline, I know. As things occur to me, I’m compelled to share my personal experiences, and the experiences that I’ve been witness to so that others may learn and Survive. Proper planning and execution of an ”exit strategy” is crucial, and the most perilous event for a victim.
Simply running for it has been successful, but it’s not recommended, especially if there are children involved. Setting details in order PRIOR to the exit should involve a safety network, and absolute secrecy - ir is imperative that friends, family, and children ... read more
Predictability & Familiarity 10 y
Predictability and familiarity breeds apathy
One of the insidious reasons that victims remain with their abusers is that their lives have, for the most part, become ”predictable.” The cycle plays itself over, and over, ad nauseum. In my case, I knew that any lulls in the abuse and violence would be followed by a predictable pattern. The abuser would believe that I was exerting independence if I wanted to engage in church functions, have lunch with a new friend, or refused to engage in his sexua| perversions. The tension would build and he would become sullen, extraordinarily critical, and verbally cruel. My inability to stop the ... read more
Reclaiming the Self 10 y
The Spark of Life
Now, if anyone were to meet me in ”Real Life,” what my posts, comments, and suggestions might convey is a serious, bitter, and angry person who can only focus on what a bad, bad person the former abuser was. The truth of the matter is that I ”spesk” in a serious narue abour victimization because it is a cycle that CAN be ended, to a great degree. Once again, by use of CAPS is not meant to convey shouting, and I hope that my typos are interesting ones! :-D
The reclaimation of the Self has been a daily process with many, many potholes and detours along my healing path. For all victims ... read more
Grand Deception 10 y
From the gate, abusers are liars
There is nothing that I can reach back and recall during my experiences with the former abuser that I could define as ”truthful.” His threats held some manner of ”truth” in that he did follow through with many of them, but in his descriptions of his hero father, his terrible childhood, how he ended up in the Army, and all of his dealings with other human beings were shrouded in a cloak of deception and fabrication.
The childhood that he described held only grains of truth - his hero father was violently abusive and nearly killed his mother. That was true. But, the abuser deliberately ... read more
Fear and Exploitation 10 y
How and why an abuser exploits their victim targets' fears and personal issues
So, how did the former abuser manage to determine my deepest fears and exploit them to his own use? My own trust was the vehicle that opened my mouth and gave him the information that he filed away and used at his leisure. As a juvenile, I was gang-raped, which I never reported. I had also experienced "date rape" prior to becoming involved with the abuser. I also had acceptance issues, and unreasonable fears of heights, death, and dentists. My point is that I gave him this information , willingly, because I trusted his assurances that he would "help" me if he ... read more
Grim Subject, Yes? 10 y
I choose to educate and advocate for victims who have lost hope.
In my off-CureZone Life, i’m determined to be positive, jovial, and dedicated to enhancing my spiritual and physical health. I’ve been urged by friends and associates to ply my wry wit to standup comedy, and a reader of comments, responses, and this blog would never imagine that SoulfulSurvivor spends the majority of her time in joyous laughter and thoughtful creativity. So, why am I posting such grim, negative stuff on this blog, specifically? The reason that I am so vociferous and serious about the truths of domestic violence/abuse, malignant narcissism, and sociopathy is because the ... read more
"Financial" Abuse? 10 y
How financial abuse factors in the abuser's destruction of their victims.
Oh, yeah, this is real and it’s intendednto render the victim absolutely hopeless.
Financial abuse happens when an abuser seizes control of the victim’s finances: joint accounts with access denied, refusing to pay bills unless the victim submits to the abuser’s whims, opening credit accounts in the victim’s name, coercing or demanding that the victim dissolves their investments, insurance fraud, forcing the victim to beg for necessities, and so forth.
In my case, I experienced all of the above examples, and then some. It coincided with the former abuser’s need to appear affluent an ... read more
I stayed because... 10 y
Surrendering personal control
”Soulful, you seem like an intelligent person. Why didn’t you just leave if it was that bad?” This question has been asked over, and over, even by a Social Services caseworker. My own divorce attorney advised that the subject of domestic violence and abuse remain closed to the Court. If I could provide a single, simple response to that pervasive question, it would have to be that I didn’t know that I had options once I began that inexorable free-fall into the abyss of abuse.
From the moment that I aligned myself with the former abuser, my belief in personal options was systematicall ... read more
Documentation! 10 y
How to document violence and abuse, and why it's so important.
Right - one of the reasons that victims of domestic violence and abuse don’t tell anyone what’s really going on is simply because the truly believe that nobody would believe them. Aside from suffering Stockholm Syndrome, this is the main reason, by far.
The abuser will lie-and-deny at a pathological pace, and it’s contributory to the crazymaking. ”I NEVER said (or, DID, or, PROMISED) that! If you tell someone about this, they won’t believe you!” In every case of domestic violence and abuse, this mantra was spoken over, and over, and over, effectively nullifies the victim’s credibili ... read more
Chronic Illness, Injury, & Abuse 10 y
The correlation between chronic illness, random injuries, and an abusive environment.
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I am not a ”professional” qualified to render a diagnosis or provide therapy. But, I am qualified to speak about my own experiences, and those of hundreds of other Survivors’ with regard to specific aspects of domestic violence and abuse. When I post about this epidemic, I’m reaching back to a previous life, and the previous lives of others, in an effort to educate and provide hope for current victims and Survivors who may be stalled on their healing paths.
With regard to chronic illnesses and injuries that are caused by direct/indirect contact with the abuser, my experiences have tau ... read more