From the gate, abusers are liars
Date: 4/15/2011 8:26:36 AM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 1213 times
There is nothing that I can reach back and recall during my experiences with the former abuser that I could define as "truthful." His threats held some manner of "truth" in that he did follow through with many of them, but in his descriptions of his hero father, his terrible childhood, how he ended up in the Army, and all of his dealings with other human beings were shrouded in a cloak of deception and fabrication.
The childhood that he described held only grains of truth - his hero father was violently abusive and nearly killed his mother. That was true. But, the abuser deliberately manipulated the truth to generate the most pity possible from any possible target.
The prevalent behavior among abusers is the pathological lying and apparent inability to tell the truth, even if the truth would be to their benefit. Abusers often (almost guaranteed) make a huge show of expecting 100% honesty and truthfulness from their targets if the targets demonstrate even a hint of sincerity. This all plays a huge factor in the crazymaking for the victim. They demand honesty from their victims, yet livew the biggest lies, themselves. Additionally, the also demand that their victims SUPPORT their lies while making it quite clear that they detest liars.
In my case, the former abuser was aware that I was generally honest except when speaking truthfully may compromise my acceptance or risk rejection. He had sized me up quite well, and made "honesty" his first useful tool in leading me to the abyss of abuse and violence.
"You know, I HATE a liar! But, I know you wouldn't lie to me, so, just tell me what your friend said about me." Well, my friends could clearly see far better than I could, and they didn't much care for my new love interest. But, being the needy person that I was, I couldn't very well risk his rejection, so I chose to lie rather than hurt this fragile man's feelings. Years later, no matter what came out of my mouth, the abuser would accuse me of lying while always maintaining that HE was without sin and that his word was worth his weight in gold. What I experienced is not uncommon - it is, in fact, almost predictable in each case.
So, the abuser hated a liar. Yet, this self-proclaimed Christian would engage in illegal and immoral activities, claim that he was doing nothing wrong, and beat down his victims with impugnity. This is the crux of the crazymaking: the abuser demands an action or behavior that is in direct conflict with their "expectations" of others. In other words, the abuser hates liars and requires his/her victim to engage in an insurance fraud - the abuser's rationale is the they "need the money," and that "need" nullifies the filing of a false claim which is, itself, not only a lie, but a criminal offense. SO...the victim has not only bent to the abuser's will, but irrefutably become precisely what the abuser has declared that they hate the most.
Once a victim has been coerced into crossing that line, the damage to their morals and values have been effectively destroyed and they believe that there is no turning back once that line has been crossed. Not only does the abuser remind the victim of the victim's culpability, but continues to remind the victim of how much the abuser hates a liar. In my case, I had participated in positively criminal activities, morally objectionable decisions, and ethically flawed choices. In doing this, the abuser believed he had guaranteed that he had a lifelong object to crush because I wouldn't dare to risk incarceration by telling anyone. If HE went down, he was going to take ME with him, and a "good wife" NEVER ratted out her husband, right?
The moral and et5hical dismemberment begins with a simple "request" to engage in something/anything that the victim might find objectionable: begging "loans" from friends or family, securing employment by having the victim use their influence, engaging in a degrading, humiliating, or painful sex act, shoplifting a small item, and so on. Before the victim realizes how it happened, the victim has been reduced to an accomplice, and the victim's own fears of shame and possible legal consequences contribute to their continued compliance and duplicity in supporting their abuser.
From the gate, abusers are liars, and I stand firm and unwavering in my broad generalization. "He was changing the oil in the vehicle, struck his head, and that's how he got cut," was an explanation that a female abuser gave for how her boyfriend sustained 14 stitches in his head - she had actuallt throwrn a plate in his face and ER physicians made note of the shards of plate recovered from the victim. "I hate a liar." Yet the abuser demands my participation in a bogus insurance claim. They hate what they ARE and will say and do anything to ruin the qualities in their victims that they do not (and, will not) have, themselves. Yes, I stand by my generalization that all abusers are all liars.
So, what does any of this have to do with preventing abuse? For one ting, there are only 2 things that we HAVE to do in our lives: pay taxes, and die. If we are fearful of rejection, failing to put that issue to rest can surely set us up to be used and destroyed by an abuser in any type of relationship or association. If we fail to construct and maintain strict boundaries, we're vulnerable to the superficial charm of an abuser. If we fail to speak truthfully and don't say precisely what we mean, we muddy our own waters and cannot see ourselves clearly, let alone any predatory creature in our pond.
Add This Entry To Your CureZone Favorites!Print this page
Email this page