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Going on...
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Date: 7/24/2010 11:32:24 AM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1333 times ...first, Trace, please forgive me my wrongs toward you. "The Reason Is You" began playing as I began this blog. Sweet, sweet boy. You deserved more than me. I say this with the desperation that the drowing seize life preservers. People are always telling me, "Stop beating on yourself." The pain of knowing that I cannot change my son's future hurts that deeply. I can only take solace in changing who I am today and serving my ex's to the best of my ability.
What a 48 hours it has been. My ex-husband (ex#2) and I are no longer 'estranged'. We spoke on the phone Tuesday evening. I called in response to a business mailing I received and he called me back. There really was no need to. I gave all the info he needed. I said how nice it was to talk to him the week before when we walked in the park and aired our grievances, gratitude, amends, etc. He then asked me "What's new?" I then asked him the same. We then hung up with, "Talk to you another time." "Yup, talk to you another time."
I called him on Thursday during the day. Asked him if he wanted to meet. "Sure, where?" We met after the AA meeting. Everyone after the meeting was talking about a bonfire meeting the next night and he was invited. He said that he'd get directions from me later. We left there and talked for about 2½ hours at the soccer field. It was dusk, the mist settled on the field and over the mountains. The moon came out and the stars began to appear. It was gorgeous. Here, the air is sweet and we could smell it.
We talked about how let down we each felt at the end of our marriage. We both listened this time to one another. We both gave each other space to just say how we felt without justifying our own actions as to why we acted the way we had at the time.
I did ask him to keep his character defects and wrong-doings in the first-person rather than "we". I advised that I would not hit him over the head with them and I apologized for doing so in the past. He apologized for a few specific intances that were very, very important in impacting how we turned out. It was a moment of connection, trust and safety that we both (I believe) were longing for. He said that he felt really connected to me and I advised that I felt like he knows my heart.
So, we ended as I had to go - it was late. We hugged. Kissed one another on the cheek and parted ways.
I gave him directions yesterday and he met me and my son's Dad (ex #1) at the bonfire. My son's Dad, I may not have mentioned, does not drive. I think I did months ago. He's lost so much in his recent 'bottom'. So, as an amends to him and my son for our previous hell - I serve him whenever I can with rides, conversation and friendship. What a trip - me and my two ex'es at the bonfire meeting.
We were all going to actually go to the movies last night after the meeting but my ex#2 had a life & death emergency at work and he had to leave and take over. So, we skipped the movie and I brought ex #1 to the market. It inspired me to get Jambalaya ingredients to make for both. Called ex#2 this morning, asked how everyone was - holding pattern. Possible serious long-term health deficit for one of his men. Due to training I'm taking, I could talk health-care 'shop' in a way I could not before. Felt like I was able to meet him where he was instead of him having to explain. Advised I would do whatever I could to support him and help him and advised I have a pot of Jambalaya for him so he won't have to cook in the next few days so that he can use his energy to take care of business. He was kind and grateful. He gets off shift Sunday morning. I'll make it tonight - Martha Stewart Rocks. "Firehouse Shrimp Jambalaya." He had to hang up and said "I'll call you later on."
Alrighty then. Ex#1 is really proud of me when I reported how all this went. So, I thanked ex#1 for working the program with me last night after ex#2 had to scramble off to work to cover and run things. He's a brother I never had, truly.
It was awesome of them both to be so willing to be my friend and to be friends with one another while in friendship with me.
The inventory on page 86 and 87 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is the first reason why this is happening. G*d is synonymous with the work outlined there. This is all G*d.
The second reason is raw veganism. Again, G*d's food is all I'm ingesting. People are telling me I am glowing and I shine. Thank you,G*d.
Power-walking. Again, lungs and body pumping to get filled with G*d's breath - oxygen.
So, today - seasoned (with balsamic) tofu and salad for lunch today. Banana was for breakfast. Water with raw vinegar throughout.
I am grateful. Thank you, G*d.
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