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What a 24 hour period this has been.
Love who I am letting G*d create me to be.
Date: 7/15/2010 6:21:31 AM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 38480 times I was unkind yesterday not with my words but with my lack of kindness in my attitude. I do not care for someone at my job and I did not meet him halfway. I answered his question and my attitude I emoted dismissed him. He told me I was acting like a F.A. Whoa, cowboy - them's fightin' words.
I told him to leave my office. He didn't. So, I left.
He was right. I am judgmental toward him and he could really feel with every interaction. I don't smile, I just take the task and say I'll do it. I'm compliant but not charitable. What is so hardened in my soul that I cannot be truly, heartfelt kind to someone I intensely dislike? My actions are about who I am and NOT about who the person is standing in front of me.
I called my ex-husband and told him I wanted to talk to him. He agreed to meet me. He suggested the supermarket parking lot. (Uh, Dude - no.) We met at a local park where we could sit. We sat and listened to one another for 3 full hours. I apologized, he apologized. It was every thing he said he did NOT want to do since I've returned. We re-hashed the past.
Full circle. I believe we've come full circle. This is good. People said I should never return home, people said I should never speak to him again. People said I was arrogant to think I even belonged here. People said no.
The true compassion we held for one another was quite beautiful. To listen and be heard where once there was only hate and sadness and alcoholism - it is the miracle the Big Book talks about.
I love that I chose to believe and it happened. I can make full amends. I can forgive and be forgiven.
I am a person, I am not a job description like a menu item. So is he. We forgot that in our marriage. It was all demands and resentments.
Phew. What a long strange trip it's been.
No hugs, and definitely no kisses. He wanted to and I can hardly still believe it. When we said goodbye he wanted to. (Uh, Dude - no.) I gently advised that while I was grateful, it just wasn't something I was able to do.
We parted with no questions about if we were going to see one another again or how we felt about one another. One heartfelt thank you and goodbye.
I stayed raw vegan through the entire day yesterday. It was not even an option to pick up anything.
I've been waking up puffy the last day or two. I'm puffy. I'm uncertain why. Tofu overdose? Yesterday was the first day I did not eat tofu. I had store bought hummus. I'll bet that's why. I've had it for the last two days. There's got to be something in there that is not listed on the label. So many symptoms have gone away. Joint aches, the ridges in my nails are slowly dissipating. The second and third digits are smooth almost completely. My thumb still shows the most signs of past ridges. My nails are growing well rather than shredding off the tips of my fingers as they were. My face is glowy and smooth. My arms have no new breakouts. It was bad this winter. The brown spots from past breakouts on my arms have almost faded completely. Very, very fast it seems. Headaches are completely gone, nightmares are gone. Sleep is 5-6 strong hours. I feel neutral, even grateful when I wake up. I do not dread life anymore. I am not a victim any more. I feel good.
Today I have beautiful peaches and pears that are perfectly ripe. I put them in a paper bag the other night to ripen. Yum. Gi-normous salad today. Big study day. 6 hours I plan. Meeting tonight. First clinical tomorrow. Very exciting. Have to buy shoes today. Dansko clogs.
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