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all set w/food
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Date: 7/18/2010 12:26:15 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 33526 times My food is collossal today. No onion in my trough o'salad today. First time in 28 salads. What else.
Felt down and sunk last night. I need to act in deeper, self-caring ways when I'm that tired. I went online and wasted time and energy. I was NOT a better person for just cruising around.
I'd rather that I gave myself a facial/mask, that I paid more than one bill when I did my bills. I just feel down today and angry. Definitely I feel separate from the world. I am not at peace, I am not feeling abundant, I feel like an empty well that has been drained.
I believe it's because I saw my ex and talked to him. I so deeply wanted to hear everything that I did not hear. The one nice thing he did say was the I 'was a miracle'. He also sandwiched it with my really bad behavior that I have previously made amends for. He's an alcoholic practicing alcoholic behavior with his alcoholic ex-wife. Selfishness and self-centeredness all around, thank you.
With my late son's Dad - it used to be this way as well. Until that day two years ago when I called him and told him I'd be his 'biggest fan' as an amends to both he and our son - it's now like he's a kind and generous brother I never had.
Clue,girl. Take a clue.
I need to be kind and generous to all - not just my son's Dad. It's so hard because I feel so alone, unloved, unwanted, and misunderstood. Welcome to Alcoholism 101. My nurse's assistant textbook describes alcoholism as a physical craving and inability to say no. They say nothing of the feelings before hand: loneliness, resentments, anger.
So, bartlett pear for breakfast, salad for lunch. Forgot my tofu. Been obsessing all morning about my ex-husband. Thank goodness I am not picking up the phone, I took away my email from him -
I wish to G*d he would call me and be nice. Our meeting that I initiated, he was finally really nice then romantic even. Not once has he been that kind when I've called or emailed him in two years. So, I miss a man who is unkind to me and very angry. Does he have reason? Yes. Have I made heart-felt amends - yes, more than once. It was after my amends on Wednesday that he wanted to kiss me. I meant it with all my heart. I would not let him kiss me. I cannot go there with a man who has slammed every door before that day. We parted on good terms, great terms. I was convinced we were somehow reunited, that we were going to get back together. It felt that good, that honest. Well, he's back on Match.com that night and every night since. I am getting my answer - he's not interested right now. Guys are so different than I am. At least the two I've partnered with.
It's got to be HIS decision to forgive me, not my continued solicitation. It's got to be HIS decision to get closer to me, not my petitioning on my own behalf.
I told him that it wasn't mine to convince him with my words and beg. It was my responsibility to show him with my actions and actions take time. Of course, no reply. Just some kind of snicker, laugh, smirk. Who knows.
I have so many questions for him still. But, now I have to forgive and forget. I said all of my grievances as well and I heard one apology for one instance and the rest was "I was doing what any other guy would do", and "living with you was hell after Trace died" as justifications. It hurts. That's all. Just f*cking hurts. I have taken responsibility for every single event he's spewed at me. I held his hands, looked into his eyes, empathized with how he must've felt.
It was my son that died and I'm apologizing for going crazy. Yup - it's my job to do so and I cannot live in justification and self-pity. It is my job to mature, grow, and be trust-worthy no matter who is front of me or what is happening.
I am tired, sad, scared of the future. I am not going to call him. I am not going to email him. I will not log into match.com to see if he's online or the last time he was 'active'. Those stupid sites.
Face to face communication is getting harder and harder it seems.
Tofu tonight for snack after work, set up my home group, clean my house, get laundry washed at the laundermat.
I pray I grow into peace, maturity, abundance, kindness, unselfishness, love and acceptance.
Attraction rather than promotion is how I wish to live.
xo
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