Re: huh

uh, my father beat my mother
my mother left my father
my father kidnapped my sister and I
my father isolated us and dragged us all over the country
told me he loved me
my father said stuff like "family is all there is" and "you're the little wife now"
told me he loved me
my father started to beat and choke me
told me he loved me
my father told me if I told, we would be in foster homes and that my sister and I would be seperated from each other
told me he loved me
my father would threaten suicide
told me he loved me
my father told me he was trying to figure out how to kill me and get away with it
told me he loved me
my father started to tell me what a sorry little whore I was
told me he loved me
my father almost killed me the night I left home the last time
told me he loved me
I was 17
I was spiritually, emotionally and mentally brainwashed and damaged

All I understood growing up was that I was destined to be beaten. I believed that God hated me and I hated God - I thought that I was intrinsically flawed and that my purpose in this world was to be stepped on and hurt. I believed that love and pain were attached. It really was all I knew. I look back, and know that the way my dad "hard-wired" my thinking, it only follows that I would attract and be attracted to abusers.

I have a great deal of compassion and empathy for the confused girl that I was. I believed I HAD to be loyal. I thought my survival depended on it. I have worked sooo hard to change that thinking - I still struggle at times with the notion that I am "worthy" in this world. Dad, his abuse and words still haunt my dreams at times. But I keep working through it, and have created a life today with no abusers in it.

It was so hard and painful and so many tears and injuries inflicted, which is why I ask you to educated and learn. There are legitimate reasons we "pick" so poorly. Many reasons why our judgement is clouded.

Man, that was such a painful thing to remember, and I am going to really have to think about why I have such a strong need to make YOU understand. I don't think you have the compassion to understand.

Have you ever hit a woman?? Put your finger in her face and poked her while screaming at her??