Re: Reject ignorance

I was homeless, sick, broken back & herniated disks, on welfare, food stamps, etc., and there was no way that I would ever have returned to my abuser, not for any reason.  And, there were times when he actually offered for me to come back saying, "Whatever has happened will remain in the past."  Oh, no THANK you. 

You didn't die, though you were convinced that you were in the process of doing so.  You weren't taken for A Reason.  What that reason is, only God knows, but he surely didn't spare you so that you could be a sacrificial lamb for another human to torture.

I understand that you have a number of injuries and residual issues from those injuries, but they cannot be used as an excuse to remain with someone who would prefer that you waste away into a babbling, raving lunatic - that's what your batterer would love to see.  Whatever State you live in has funding set aside for cases such as your own.  There are also numerous (almost, countless) resources available to victims of domestic violence and abuse.  Employment centers that will help you (regardless of physical conditions) to get on your feet, into your own place, and independent of your batterer.  Will you have to take a step down the socio-economic ladder?  Yepper.  Will you lose tangible property?  Possibly.  Will you be grilled like a steak in a divorce court?  Quite probably.  Will your freedom be worth the surrendering?  Without a doubt.  Will you begin to see physical healing, as well as emotional healing?  Absolutely.  Will your children see your strength, even if they are instructed to ignore it?  You betcha.

I mean this in the most gentle of tones, SK:  making one mistake is understandable!  My gosh, we're ALL posting here because we DID make a mistake, right?  But when we recognize the mistake that we've made and continue to accept intolerable treatment that isn't even appropriate for an animal, we have not earned the right to complain, yet.  When we take steps to relieve ourselves of that which is causing us trauma, THEN we can rant, rave, scream, cry, and begin to heal.  You mentioned that you just wanted to be near your children as you wasted away.  Well, I don't have my children - they are neatly in the back pocket of my abuser due to his manipulative tactics.  I had to surrender my children in order to live, period.  AND, the mistake that I made with regard to that was that I didn't do something proactive about documenting and reporting my abuse. 

Honey, you are a value to humankind - your "religious" convictions are being used as a tool against you.  And, the damage that you've sustained (and, continue to allow) at the hands (or, mouth) of your abuser are not a badge of martyrdom - I know this from my OWN experience.  I truly believed, at one point, that if he just beat me bad enough, or tore my vaginal wall, or broke another tooth, perhaps he might actually SEE the damage that he was inflicting and feel some sort of remorse.  It took a long time for me to realize that he didn't feel remorse or anything similar - he just felt a hatred of me that had no end. 

Today, I'm alive and generating pieces of artistic expression that please ME.  I still have altruistic beliefs and help, teach, and inform wherever I can, but I don't seek the approval of any other human being.  You're going to have to get to that space, SK, for YOUR sake.  If your children see you give in, give up, and continue to allow yourself to be wasted at the hands of your abuser, they will learn to either be an adept abuser, or be a perfect victim.  If they see that you will stand up (in spite of physical issues) and evolve from victim to Survivor, there  may be hope for them in the future.  Otherwise, they are being doomed to repeat the same cycle.

Step one:  get an attorney that specializes in domestic violence and abuse

Step two:  get with a counselor/therapist that specializes in abuse

Step three:  contact your local Social Services office to explore options so that you can GET THE HELL OUT

Step four:  begin your marital history (as I've posted, before) and begin your running log (again, posted before)

Step five:  GET THE HELL OUT, regardless of what Things you might lose - nothing is worth a life

Is it scary to take steps?  Heck YEAH, it is!  Doing anything that we're unfamiliar with requires a risk and risk is scary.  But, what's more terrifying to you:  a> struggling as a free, viable human being, or; b> wasting away until even your own children are anxious for your demise?