I've been a good little victim

I have to say I am somewhat in shock. I read a post by soul survivor a few days ago about narcissiam and I sort of had an out of body experience. Suddenly my whole life made sense and everything came into focus. My God, my husband is one of "them!"

My first husband was one, my second was a worse one, my dad was one! I have become quite adept at living with someone who doesn't care about me, emotional abuse is the norm. (I have never been physically hit though suffered sexual abuse) I have tried for so many years to figure out what was wrong, why he can't seem to understand what I am saying when I express how he hurts me. Asking myself why he seems to actually enjoy it when he is mean to me, especially if I finally cry.

I have been reading the links provided in some of the posts and I have read all of the posts here. Seems like I should feel sad finding out my husband has NPD but I feel nearly elated. It is NOT me, I KNEW something wasn't right! I can stop trying to figure out how to make our marriage happy or how to "get him to love me."

I don't know what I am going to do. He is not so bad. He is one of those normal-a-lot-of-the-time types. There is the daily control crap and disappointment with me but it is subtle, I think- I may just be used to it. It is those blindsided doozies that I dread. I still have so much to figure out. I felt I needed to post something, to acknowledge to myself that it is true, we are not just working the kinks out of our relationship- for 20 years.

I think what I am sensing is hope. For me.