I've been a good little victim 
I will get there
17 y
3,692
I have to say I am somewhat in shock. I read a post by soul survivor a few days ago about narcissiam and I sort of had an out of body experience. Suddenly my whole life made sense and everything came into focus. My God, my husband is one of "them!"
My first husband was one, my second was a worse one, my dad was one! I have become quite adept at living with someone who doesn't care about me, emotional abuse is the norm. (I have never been physically hit though suffered sexual abuse) I have tried for so many years to figure out what was wrong, why he can't seem to understand what I am saying when I express how he hurts me. Asking myself why he seems to actually enjoy it when he is mean to me, especially if I finally cry.
I have been reading the links provided in some of the posts and I have read all of the posts here. Seems like I should feel sad finding out my husband has NPD but I feel nearly elated. It is NOT me, I KNEW something wasn't right! I can stop trying to figure out how to make our marriage happy or how to "get him to love me."
I don't know what I am going to do. He is not so bad. He is one of those normal-a-lot-of-the-time types. There is the daily control crap and disappointment with me but it is subtle, I think- I may just be used to it. It is those blindsided doozies that I dread. I still have so much to figure out. I felt I needed to post something, to acknowledge to myself that it is true, we are not just working the kinks out of our relationship- for 20 years.
I think what I am sensing is hope. For me.- Re: I've been a good little victim been there done that
17 y
2,589
MoreThis is a reply to # 806,625I think Narcissism is a defensive reaction to low self-esteem. Since your husband has put so much time into the marriage, he probably would appreciate understanding your ordeal, but he would think that your opinion is self-serving whining without any real consideration of whatr is fair to him. This is why therapists have more success explaining to the spouse the exact same thing the other spouse could (detachment/elimination of emotional bias), but maybe you could both commit one weekend to each other to talk it out.
- Re: I've been a good little victim I will get there
17 y
2,585
MoreThis is a reply to # 806,647Well, I almost fell for it. Your post sounded like all I need to do is get him to understand what I am going through and everything will be fine. Exactly what I have thought for 20 yrs.
I started writing an answer to you, trying to convince you that he actually has some real problem, probably NPD. I started feeling like maybe I was overreacting, maybe I have been too quick to judge. The poor guy did get abused as a child and he just needs some patient love and understanding.
I deleted that post.
I don't know that much about NPD but I do know that when I read the descriptions I saw my husband. If he doesn't have NPD then whatever it is it keeps him from caring about me or anyone else in his life. As I write this he is currently withholding love and acceptance. He is talking to me (not at this very moment!) but I am on a sort of probation until I can prove I love him. (I will not be able to no matter what I do). He is justified in whatever he says of does.- Re: I've been a good little victim trapper/kcmo
17 y
2,410
- Re: I've been a good little victim skbruning
17 y
2,399
This is a reply to # 806,830LOLOL....hi, Trapper. You got that right.
Doesn't take long, does it?! ;O)
- Re: I've been a good little victim skbruning
17 y
2,399
- Re: I've been a good little victim been there done that
17 y
2,564
This is a reply to # 806,720I didn't mean to suggest that you are whining, just that it seems that that would be their view in order to remain so indifferent. I grew up with someone who was always a very nasty person and haven't had close contact with them for 20 years now. Last I saw of them, they had become BIPOLAR (and everybody else suspects that too). Narcissism and Bipolar (manic depression) would seem a logical combination. The description on this forum says that Narcissism is considered untreatable, but this person is a teacher of the handicapped (part-time narcissist? or Bipolar/treatable). Does your husband ever do any good deeds at all?
- call it what you want I will get there
17 y
2,539
This is a reply to # 807,720My husband does some good deeds and he sometimes seems kind. Usually the good deeds have a payoff for him though. I honestly don't know if he has this disorder but I don't think it matters too much if it is official, he acts like he does. But he is not like some of the worst offenders I have read about.
My husband simply doesn't care about who I am or what I want, or anyone else. He likes having me take care of the house (and the kids when they lived here) and home so that all he has to do is make money. He can come home and play on the computer, eat dinner, talk to me about his day and laugh about how funny our pets act.
He doesn't try to spy on me, I think it is because he believes I am faithful to him. He controls how much money I get and what we watch on tv and that type of little thing. Most days, if I have been doing what he expects of me, he is polite. If I didn't get his laundry done I get lectured on how little he asks of me and how much of a burden life (me) is. Then he remains silent but angry for days.
Of course I can be going along through life just fine when he comes up with some grievience about me. "So, are we just never going to have sex again?" Usually I start justifying or explaining that we just had sex 2 days ago. If I respond more like "I was wondering the same thing" or "Do you call that foreplay?" we will have an argument that I either lose or get punished after. In other words, it doesn't matter how well I am obeying his wishes, I am doing something wrong.
Occasionally I start to feel lonely. I begin to imagine the kind of life we could have if he could just get over being mad at me. I want intimacy and love. I want to go out and have fun with him. I want to share our hopes and dreams. I have tried many times to talk to him about how great it would be for both of us if we could begin to share some interests and do some fun things together. I open myself up to him and he takes the opportunity to blame me. Sometimes it feels like I beg him to love me,(though of course I don't) and he stays aloof.
I don't know if he is treatable or not, he would not go for the treatment so it doesn't matter. For most of our marriage I was miserable but after I got some counseling I began to feel much happier. My counselor didn't talk about what was wrong with my husband, she made me focus on me, what I wanted. She would tell me to imagine he wasn't there, what would I do? I am actually doing some things in my life now. I don't see her anymore but I still work on trying to get a life.
Finding this forum is helping me to stop thinking that one day he might finally see me. It has always been sad but the pain of always trying, always thinking there is something I could do to make him see, I can avoid. He really isn't going to some day wake up and want to know what I want out of life, want to go on a date with me, want to read the book I wrote. Can I live with him without that hope? I don't know- Re: call it what you want trapper/kcmo
17 y
2,468
This is a reply to # 807,833i have faced these same questions and it has boiled down to commitment. i married this womean and she bore me three children. as soon as that was accomplished, i was never good enough. when i became too ill to work, i became an unnecessary burden and a thorn in her side. today, i have made HER live through a nightmare and i am a "user and a loser" according to her. the better i get at not being effected by what she says and does regarding me, she then attacks the kids, calling them lazy and idiots and liars and thieves if they use something of hers.
it came to a head the other night, after hearing her tell me to leave for the millionth time. i said, write down that you want me to leave your house and i will make it so. she didnt. she wouldnt. i called her bluff(who the hell else could she treat the way she treats me and not get hurt?). when she realized i had exposed her, she got in a huff and wrote down, "i want you out of my life" and signed it. well, she not only would not give me that note(a requirement for getting me to leave was that i get to have the note), she wrote something different than what i had pre-agreed to. i told her it would be impossible to get out of her life, we have three children together for one thing.
so that is what i deal with. she doesnt want me to leave, but she controls everything in the house, chases all my friends away, and sabotages any plans i start executing to get on with my life now that i am well and can work. she cant really hold me down - i have proved that by getting well in spite of all her opposition.
so my answer is commitment. i hold no hope at all that i will get anything out of it like a real relationship. i am just not the kind of guy who abandons his family because its convenient. here is a real laugh - she accuses me of staying because THAT is convenient! about as convenient as sliding downhill a-straddle a razor blade.- Re: call it what you want yelrah
17 y
2,402
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This is a reply to # 807,886My philosphy (sp)> It's better to have loved and lost, then to have loved and got married. - Re: call it what you want I will get there
17 y
2,501
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This is a reply to # 807,886Trapper- I think it is amazing that you were able to get yourself healthy while living in that situation. I read that our thoughts, our negative or stressful thoughts, can make us sick or keep us sick. Sometimes I feel like it is useless to try to eat better and do cleanses when I live with stress everyday. But, there you are, you did it.
Even in the face of this kind of abuse there is the possibility of becoming a survivor instead of a victim. I have been doing pretty poorly at living by the new ideas I have learned at curezone. I get sort of down and just go ahead and eat crap and forget exercise. But I am beginning to feel hopeful again.
You are one of those posters that has gotten results and I have considered your opinions to carry a lot of weight. I found curezone this past summer and I notice that a lot of people take quite a while to finally make permanent changes. I am hopeful that I will eventually eat right most of the time and get plenty of sunshine and fresh air. That I will get stronger and stronger emotionally as I see that I can control some of these things in my life.
Thank you for the time you give to curezone, thank you for responding to my post- Re: call it what you want yelrah
17 y
2,468
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This is a reply to # 808,209Here is as pretty good read.
http://lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
- Re: call it what you want trapper/kcmo
17 y
2,406
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This is a reply to # 808,209my story is not pretty. i lost everything, including my manhood. upon getting well, i decided to help as many as i could. my wife refuses. my kids are next, then my family and friends and then curezone and earthboppin(long story). i sure hope it helps someone because the truth makes me look like $#!* sometimes. i have done my very best. funny thing, but the fact is everyone does.- Re: call it what you want #68716
17 y
2,427
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This is a reply to # 808,317No story is pretty, Trapper......they are each unique in their details, but the general principles are the same - control, abuse, control, abuse........
For men, it's more difficult to even discuss their issues because, if they are really baring their souls, they are risking their perceived strengths, as men. "You let a woman do THAT?" is often the reaction of most people. We have to forgive those people for their ignorance - either they haven't (thank God) met up with a narcissist, or they are in denial, themselves.
Keep on the path to Survival, Trapper - it's long, hard, and sometimes painful, but it's a great road once you get past all the potholes!
- Re: call it what you want trapper/kcmo
17 y
2,424
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
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This is a reply to # 808,327its not me i am worried about. i have a handle on it. its my children and their emotional health and its my wife and her physical health. she has had three c sections, uterus oblation, gastro bypass, and now she is feeling really tired. she just turned 50. not good.
- Re: call it what you want trapper/kcmo
17 y
2,424
- Re: call it what you want #68716
17 y
2,427
- Re: call it what you want yelrah
17 y
2,468
- Re: call it what you want yelrah
17 y
2,402
- Re: call it what you want been there done that
17 y
2,432
This is a reply to # 807,833My father was not a narcissist, but he had a terrible temper with his family (intolerant) after it became a dysfunctional family. I was the most peaceful and reasonable person in the family, so I never recieved too much of his temper. The temper he developed after it became a dysfunctional family was mainly a defense against those who wouldn't accept him. My mother had an affair when I was very young and, summed up, my father saw his life's dreams destroyed. Adding a dysfunctional family who wouldn't accept and console him to heartbreak, you get a very defensive reaction (temper for family ONLY). He had been a social worker in the ghettos and became a homebound teacher of the handicapped and his students loved him, but he had a terrible temper with his family members who wouldn't accept him (it was a defensive reaction). I wrote a poem about him after he died, it was called "The Fence" (hard shell). What do you build a fence around?...something special that you want to protect (heart of gold). On my 28th birthday, I went to his house and the first words I hear as I walk through the door are "you know, you're an A**hole". I didn't argue, I simply accepted and said "yeah, I know dad". You could hear the silence.
Try EMOTIONAL intimacy (acceptance). - Re: call it what you want skbruning
17 y
2,419
This is a reply to # 807,833"My husband simply doesn't care about who I am or what I want, or anyone else. He likes having me take care of the house (and the kids when they lived here) and home so that all he has to do is make money. He can come home and play on the computer, eat dinner, talk to me about his day and laugh about how funny our pets act."--you wrote.
***************************************
Maybe some of my comments will/may stick.
Mine is like yours. Only a darker past.
BUT..........does he do the above as though you were a piece of wood? A stick of furniture? A brick wall? A statue??
My NPDer does the exact same thing you described. It was/is always set-off or framed with his opening line ala Ronald Reagan but then wham...........the monologue begins....."Well".... he intones.....and then launches into his day. But I may as well not have been there. Be here. I don't EXIST to this guy in the normal meaning of the word. An NPDer just USES you. You are his verbal depository, his sexual depository (sad but true), his violence depository, whatever. You just ARE THERE... FOR LITTLE OLD HIM.
I could sit here with the T-chirt on that I bought that says: "YET, DESPITE THE LOOK ON MY FACE, YOU'RE STILL TALKING". He doesn't even notice the T-shirt. Nothing registers. As long as I don't talk back, open my mouth, God-forbid I should interrupt him. NOW..........he is going through a phase of where the SECOND I open my mouth---HE INTERRUPTS me. Never fails. Like clockwork. The atomic clock.
So I have him timed. Of course. So now what I do is I open my mouth to speak and immediately CLAMP IT SHUT. Like ........."I K N O W YOU'RE ABOUT TO INTERRUPT ME, SO......"
Still doesn't get it. SUPER absorbed in self.
Read on. Like Trapper says........you'll "catch on quick". ;O)
- Re: call it what you want trapper/kcmo
17 y
2,468
- Re: I've been a good little victim skbruning
17 y
2,438
This is a reply to # 807,720I was struck by something you said....and feel that "if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature". Paul made it abundantly clear that many before him were thieves, murderers, homosexuals, all manner of reprobate and that "come on in, the water is fine" sort of mentality.
I believe that to be true. BUT........you really gotta mean business with God.
Just a total throw-down.
MAYBE I've answered my own question about how can a foremost AUTHORITY on NPD also be an EX-NPD???
Maybe he found Jezthuth. :O)
- call it what you want I will get there
17 y
2,539
- Re: I've been a good little victim trapper/kcmo
17 y
2,410
- Re: I've been a good little victim trapper/kcmo
17 y
2,477
This is a reply to # 806,647narcissism goes much deeper than that. either you are one and in denial or you have never encountered one. the latter would be a nice treat.
- Re: I've been a good little victim #68716
17 y
2,394
This is a reply to # 806,647
"Since your husband has put so much time into the marriage, he probably would appreciate understanding your ordeal, but he would think that your opinion is self-serving whining without any real consideration of whatr is fair to him. This is why therapists have more success explaining to the spouse the exact same thing the other spouse could (detachment/elimination of emotional bias), but maybe you could both commit one weekend to each other to talk it out."
Point # 1: a narcissist puts no effort into anything that doesn't result in personal gratification for the narcissist, alone. This is true with spouses, "significant" others, coworkers, church members, etc.
Point # 2: there is no "fair" playing field with a narcissist i.e.: the victim has suffered a broken appendage - narcissist objectifies and belittles the victim until the victim feels guilty for having sustained an injury
Point # 3: most therapists are unable to discern a narcissist because their ability to absorb and mirror personality/emotional characteristics that result in an appropriate response.
The behavior of a narcissist is, indeed, rooted in low self-esteem and is nearly always learned from a narcissistic parent. The damage that the narcissist inflict upon others can be catastrophic and life-altering. They do not feel regret for the damage that they've inflicted because, in their minds, either they had done nothing wrong, or the victim "deserved" what they got. After surviving a narcissistic marriage and working with victims of domestic violence and abuse, I have experienced it, first-hand.
Please, check out the plethora of links that have been listed on this forum - the information will be priceless.
- Thank you... I will get there
17 y
2,408
This is a reply to # 806,841several of your posts have really helped me. It is amazing that someone (me) can live with abuse and never really call it that. Thank you.
- Re: Thank you... skbruning
17 y
2,433
This is a reply to # 808,220Kudos to you.
Yep. It can happen like that. I was superbly trained by a master manipulator (it was MY fault. When he committed a FELONY of serious assault it was just ala "see what YOU MADE ME DO?"
It wasn't until his lies did that first loop-de-loop that I went "huh?"
Ever since then I just asked God to show me the way. Now..........I'm sort of like Trapper, more than anyone else on this board. We are in a committment, maybe need to get committed ourselves (joke)....and think "wouldn't it be nice to have never encountered this?"
We can all dream.
You'll learn ALOT from these posters here. :O)
- Re: Thank you... skbruning
17 y
2,433
- Thank you... I will get there
17 y
2,408
- Re: I've been a good little victim I will get there
17 y
2,585
- Re: I've been a good little victim skbruning
17 y
2,413
This is a reply to # 806,625Yep. Welcome to the big, wide-world community of internet truth!
I, too, was estatic to find this board. All of a sudden it all made sense.
HOWEVER, just remember something even more profound...."you can not make sense out of nonsense."
NPDs, abusers, batterers............none of it makes sense. Like murder for no just cause. (Notice I said "JUST". There ARE some just causes for taking a life, such as self-defense, defense of a nation, etc.)
But don't try to make sense of the nonsense! :O)
Just a thought.
- Re: I've been a good little victim been there done that
17 y
2,589
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