to daysoflight

Thank you for the guidance. I can't instantaneously understand it all, but I very much appreciate the effort you put into it and take it, at least partly, as a vote of confidence.

Let me try to answer this one question:

"Why would you assume that this life is only to experience pain, but when you die, you are pain free?"

For whatever reason, and I know you might want me to explore this further, but I can't imagine how, nearly everything I have ever tried to do in this world has caused me pain rather than pleasure.

Ever since I discovered teachings about positive thinking and unconditional love, I have been able to have much less pain and more contentment in my life. I have also started to experience what I want to call spontaneous moments of pure happiness, and all this has happened only when I have tried to be less engaged in (or controlled by) my emotions, desires, expectations.

I guess it's similar to when you say that pain is natural, but judgement of that pain is suffering. I feel like most of the things that cause me to suffer will be irrelevant even a few years from now, therefore I assume everything that causes me to suffer will be irrelevant once I'm dead. I have probably simply chosen the wrong word. What I originally meant to say, in your terms, as far as I understand them, would have been, I won't suffer anymore when I'm dead.

My assumption that life is mostly pain, which you are also questioning, may just be the next thing for me to change about my thoughts. I realize it would be foolish to say (I actually did just about make this "foolish" statement, a few paragraphs ago, so that's why I'm thinking about changing this aspect of my thoughts first, because I'm understanding my mistake now), so anyway, I realize it would be foolish to say, "Most of what I have experienced in life has been pain, therefore I assume life is mostly about pain." It's like a car thief saying, "I've been stealing cars and going in and out of prison ever since I was a boy, therefore I think life is mainly about stealing cars and going to prison, and once I'm dead, I won't steal cars or serve time anymore." It's true, but it's not the best truth to base one's thoughts on.

Maybe the car thief was too limited an example. I don't really understand the concept of karma, even though I have read a little bit about it already, but I don't feel like my way of life and the suffering it has caused me were simply "crimes," or sins, or mistakes. On the contrary, I have found that sometimes when something doesn't feel right to me, even though other people think it's the way to go, it usually would not have been right for me and often turns out to be wrong for them as well.

I entertain the possibility that my suffering, my questions, and all my actions may eventually turn out stepping stones on the way to something beautiful. What that might be, I have no idea, but the possibility alone is what has kept me on this path.

I think I'll re-read your post now.