"Or to put it differently, Why not experience pain (attachment, rejection, lack) while I can? I will have plenty of "pain free time" when I'm dead".
It is my opinion and experience that there is no wrong emotion. All emotions are good. Now some emotions may cause pain, and that is alright, if not easy to understand when you are suffering. But it is that suffering which causes the problem. We as humans are not free from a pain free life. All living things feel pain, it is the way of nature and the Universe. But judgement on that pain is suffering and that is unbalanced. Why would anyone judge their pain?
Accept that pain is a natural part of life and most of the time it is an opportunity to settle some Karmic debt.
To say to God "why have you forsaken me" actually shows a lack of faith in God. Since YOU are god, you are really saying; why have I forsaken myself.
It's a myth that God wants your sovereignty. God wants us to see eye to eye with him, not kneel at his feet. Just like a good parent, God wants us to grow taller and stronger then himself. God wants us to realize that we are all God, we are all the source of love, understanding and empathy. You are God.....
As someone else who responded to your post said; "you lead and the Universe will follow". This is right on. I could not say it clearer then that.
But you say things like; "I have been throwing away my life", passing up all these great opportunities, start making more money for that; women are not free, a prostitute, just with a long term contract (marriage), extinguish the last remaining desires I observe in myself, Why not experience pain (attachment, rejection, lack) while I can? I will have plenty of "pain free time" when I'm dead, I don't have anything to live for, etc"
And you wonder why the things that happen to you, happen to you. Why would you assume that this life is only to experience pain, but when you die, you are pain free?
The Universe is all about balance, and since we are of this Universe, we oursleves are about balance. Some will call it duality, but its still about balance, that is how the Universe works. All things get happy, just as all things get sad. Do not put a judgement on any of your emotions, for then you are living in an illusion. Pain is natural, suffering is a judgement on that pain, its an illusion.
You seem very in touch with your emotions and I would bet that you are going to find that balance and truely experience the happiness you seek. Not because God will choose that for you, but becuase you are asking the questions that your higherself has asked of you to ask. You are strong and you know it. It's why you have the courage to ask these questions. Right on man!
The Universe will always balance itself out. I believe you are paying some Karmic debt right now. It seems that you are a a man of your word and you are paying up that debt and happy to be able to do so.
It's your natural state to be happy. Sorta like a boat on the open sea. Sometimes the boat rocks, dips, bumps around, but its natural state is to be balanced, to stay upright. Living creatures are almost the same way, but we are both the sea and the boat.
The Universe (God) and your higherself only show you what you are able to understand. Source (God again) will never give you more then you can handle. And since you are God, you only experience what you know you can handle.
My boat dips and rocks too, I'm not devoid of pain and would not want to be, for then I would be unbalanced. But from time to time I am able to step out of the illusion and see it for what it really is, a condition on my wholeness. It's an illusion, but to see it for what it is, I must live in it (illusions) from time to time to have that balance.
You are highly aware of that yourself. You just need to confidence to follow your natural path. So maybe instead of complaining about your boat shaking all around, try strapping yourself in and enjoy the ride. You might get bruised and thrown around a bit, but once you feel your boat settle down, you will appreciate it that much more and be prepaired for the next time.
Try this little example on a physical level:
Stand on one foot with your eys open for ten seconds. You will find you are able to balance yourself with no problem or effort.
Now try standing on one foot with your eyes closed for ten seconds and you will see its very hard to keep your balance.
Think of yourself the same way. When you are open to experience all your emotions, you will find that balance with very little effort. But the moment you close your eyes (soul) to certain emotions or experiences you become unbalanced and confused.
peace out bro....