Re: help me understand...?
I've had similar feelings. (Actually, I first remember it with my nephew and nieces, who at the time were all under 6. I'd be going down there to watch them for a couple of days while there parents were away and would start having images of like knives "accidently" slipping from my grip and stabbling them. Fun stuff!)
I find it most helpful to look at it from a past life angle. When most of us think of our ties from past life, we think "oh, so-and-so was my father/mother/sister/brother/love then." Like we are all one big happy family coming back together all the time to help each other. It was very difficult for me to accept the idea, when I first read it (one of Shirley MacLaine's books), that we have also killed/maimed/tortured many of these people. But when you think about it, it makes sense. Past lives and karma are about balance and atonement. So of course we need to re-meet people we have "wronged". "Wronging" is a big lesson for the soul. So of course it is those closest to us who put themselves forward as vehicles to allow us to live these lessons.
My guess would be that you are tapping into some warrior past life stuff. Nothing like the battlefield to teach lessons about life/death and this material existence. And nothing like the battlefield to develop strong bonds of comradeship. (My mother and I have done it in many lifetimes, so I've been told. Unfortunately, this lifetime the battle is with each other . . . but I digress.) Being on a spiritual path, the thoughts of having killed/maimed/tortured are a bit . . . disconcerting, no? But most of us have done it. It's part of the play. And I think in attempting to bury some of these feelings, we can bury positive aspects of the warrior, too. For me, when I got over the shock and started to own up to some of this . . . I found tremendous strength and energy.