Superficial, commitment phobe, idiot - me...advice?

Hey all,

Been a while since I posted on this forum. I feel I am a mess, a fake and not as nice as set myself to be or want to be.

The story...I suffer from OCD, Depression and anxiety and have become rather withdrawn from society. I am a nice guy and will do a lot for my girlfriends, but if they get attached I back off..don't want to, but I get depressed and anxious because I feel I will hurt them and let them down.

Finally left my job after many years. A girl I work with who has been a very close friend became more than that after I had left. I had always fancied her, but I was her boss so didn't want to compromise my position or bring my darker side into the office environment. I partly entered into a relationship with her because she had decided to return home to New Zealand, so I felt 'safe'.

We have known each other for over 12 years and have helped each other through difficult times. I know her history and she knows mine. We became closer over the past three months...she didn't pressure me and listened to my mental problems and wasn't judgemental or run for cover. She spent her last week with me and it was lovely, although strange after spending so much time alone.

The things is I held her off mentally by recalling the men she has gone out with, one is a good friend of mine. I judged her for her pasted when mine is no better - probably worse. Stupid!

And, then I picked on her physical appearance. She is pretty and lovely, men flock to her, but short and cuddly. Not over weight, just cuddly. Am I so superficial that I can't put that aside and accept that her loveliness outweighs this. I know from past experience going out with a model looking girl is hard work and at the end of the day you don't see the physical aspects...you have to live with the personality. Why am I so superficial...self respect issue I would guess.

She returned home last Friday. The farewell at the airport was awful...we both cried buckets and I am still crying now. I can't decipher my pathetic emotions or feelings for her. She deserves so much more and my best attempts to deliver them have fallen short..although she doesn't know this. I want her to remember me as the person who gave her nothing but love...not a person who hurt her.

I know many of you will read this and be equally disgusted. In my defense I know this is awful and it causes me much pain...not just now but in the past too. I want to let people in and love them the way they love me but something always blocks it. So, my reward is to be a sad and lonely fool.

Anyone got any suggestions or better still a magic wand?

Thanks for reading.