Superficial, commitment phobe, idiot... 
#44841
18 y
2,534
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Hey all,
Been a while since I posted on this forum. I feel I am a mess, a fake and not as nice as set myself to be or want to be.
The story...I suffer from OCD, Depression and anxiety and have become rather withdrawn from society. I am a nice guy and will do a lot for my girlfriends, but if they get attached I back off..don't want to, but I get depressed and anxious because I feel I will hurt them and let them down.
Finally left my job after many years. A girl I work with who has been a very close friend became more than that after I had left. I had always fancied her, but I was her boss so didn't want to compromise my position or bring my darker side into the office environment. I partly entered into a relationship with her because she had decided to return home to New Zealand, so I felt 'safe'.
We have known each other for over 12 years and have helped each other through difficult times. I know her history and she knows mine. We became closer over the past three months...she didn't pressure me and listened to my mental problems and wasn't judgemental or run for cover. She spent her last week with me and it was lovely, although strange after spending so much time alone.
The things is I held her off mentally by recalling the men she has gone out with, one is a good friend of mine. I judged her for her pasted when mine is no better - probably worse. Stupid!
And, then I picked on her physical appearance. She is pretty and lovely, men flock to her, but short and cuddly. Not over weight, just cuddly. Am I so superficial that I can't put that aside and accept that her loveliness outweighs this. I know from past experience going out with a model looking girl is hard work and at the end of the day you don't see the physical aspects...you have to live with the personality. Why am I so superficial...self respect issue I would guess.
She returned home last Friday. The farewell at the airport was awful...we both cried buckets and I am still crying now. I can't decipher my pathetic emotions or feelings for her. She deserves so much more and my best attempts to deliver them have fallen short..although she doesn't know this. I want her to remember me as the person who gave her nothing but love...not a person who hurt her.
I know many of you will read this and be equally disgusted. In my defense I know this is awful and it causes me much pain...not just now but in the past too. I want to let people in and love them the way they love me but something always blocks it. So, my reward is to be a sad and lonely fool.
Anyone got any suggestions or better still a magic wand?
Thanks for reading.
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- Re: Superficial, commitment phobe, i... #42781
18 y
2,372
This is a reply to # 669,839dear 44841,
There are no magic wands or quick solutions. We are all in the same situation - trying to be better persons, and in that respect you are no different from the rest of the world. We are all aware we could be a lot better, and are trying to get there. No shortcuts. why? Because that's what your and my and everyone else's life is all about. It is not about your career, or your girlfriend's looks, or even about having a family, or even kids (as much as those are important!). It actually still all boils down to this: you were born to make some evolutionary advance in your spirit, and that takes more energy, wisdom, patience and concetration then anything else! And how far you've advanced is always easily seen in your relationships - with gf, with spouse, kids, friends, work...
So, strap yourself in, understand that you can be happy and with any girl that you love, and that it won't be a quick thing. There are no shortcuts to bliss and happiness even though, many people have made millions selling illusions of quick fixes and shortcuts to better life to the masses.
Your last sentence left an impression on me:
- So, my reward is to be a sad and lonely fool.
Do yourself a favor and find out who would say such a thing about you?
Who in your family would typically say something like that about you? Not that they necessarily think that, just - who would say it!? Or - who could say it, even they never really put it like that? If you have a hard time answering this, then try to remember who called you a fool when you were a kid, and who was sarcastic towards you (Your "reward"... when it's clearly not a reward rather a punishment). Once you find answers to this, you've found answer to where your troubles come from. That person is best to be avoided, at least until to learn to deal with that type of stuff.
What I showed you here is how good therapy works. Try to find a good therapist, those who are specialists for relationships. Transactional Analysis done well can really open your eyes and get you where you want to be. Make sure it's a smart therapist, who uses anything that helps, not just "TA" (Transactioanl analysis) and if there are moments when you discover negative stuff in you, and where those things originated, then you're on your way and it's a good therapist. If therapist tells you things like "What do you think?" and never offers his opinion, it's a bad therapist, stay away from him. In the end - go by your gut feeling. If therapy is lasting years, it's also a bad therapist.
Cheers and good luck!
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- 42781.... pjangel
18 y
2,345
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Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 669,840Good focus.
Ever heard of 'one brain' or some such thing? Don't know too much, but a friend 'regressed' me to something at age three....and I just kind of poofed it off, said thanks, it was nice....and then it fermented and....
New perspective....somehow I got the idea, in a family of 6 daughters (or 5 depending ) that I wasn't worth as much as anyone else. I just reflected, not hurt, but I asked for less from my father than any other of his daughters, and perhaps, though I blame my husband that I have never had but two new pieces of furniture in 26 years, etc etc (not griping here) do you think somehow I have broadcasted a signal "I'm not worth it. Don't spend anything on me. Everyone else is worth more than me?"
Sorry, original post person, I not trying to detract from your pain, but I think 42781 might have something here--some stupid 'message' got stuck in our 'programming' at a young age, and we have to figure it our and erase it--the message is in error.
gotta run- Re: 42781.... #42781
18 y
2,598
Lugol’s Iodine Free S&H
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine Solution. Restore lost reserves.
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 669,841If you didn't get a new piece of furniture in 26 yrs, except for two pieces that you mention, and the way you describe it, I think that there is more then just broadcasting a message that "you're not worth it". First of all, didn't YOU ever want to buy a piece of furniture? Why didn't you buy it? If it was because you didn't really want to buy anything - there's your answer! You probably didn't think you were worht it; and "as within, so without" applies, meaning - as you feel about yourself within, that's what you will broadcast on the outside (and will treat others the same way!). If you husband is the one who prevented the purchase of new furniture, then it's again probably because you're sending a message that you don't really count, including your opinions.
Also, being in a family of 6 siblings, it is very hard to get healthy dose of attention from parents. And that sends us a message that we are not important, at least not as much as the others.
The best thing to do is to try to feel how you feel about these statements, and which ones are easy (and which ones are hard!) for you to say:
- I am not worthy, I am a failure. I am miserable.
- I am eqally worthy, important and welcome as all the other people on this planet. I can be happy.
Which one is harder for you to say out loud (just reading it without actually saying it doesn't count)? The one that is easier to say out loud is the one that you are "programmed" with.- Re: 42781.... pjangel
18 y
2,290
This is a reply to # 669,844As of today, I am worthy....I let go of the past.
I asked my husband for a rolltop desk once, to "hide" my messiness. It was unfinished, affordable, and I wanted it badly. He said "No, you must learn to be organized".
I bought him his first tools (small ones) to make him happy (he was excited). I gave my tax rebate when I was first married to buy him a calculator for college. I cashed out my retirement (I'd taught school for 5 years) to finish putting him through college (I'd had my second baby, and decided I couldn't teach anymore and was ready to stay home).
I wanted to get WIC when I was pregnant with second baby--he said "No".
Okay, so why did I ask? And why did I allow his "No's". It was my health, my life, my children. I think I was confused about honoring and respecting him. It didn't go both ways. Or it was that 'unworthy' thing.
I'm not sure.
42716--I am deep sh...t, according to several people. I have finally asked for what I need, and he is unhappy. I asked for time to heal, a safe place in the house, a year, and $300 a month to cover my health expenses--accupuncure, doctors visit (he changed insureance and is no longer covered) supplements, etc.
It is a gamble...and I'm scared. And he is pissed...and sad. I don't know how to communicate that I'm NOT trying to hurt him, I'm trying to get stable and get some SLEEP....so that I can work on the marriage as a healthy person. He says that my desire to be healthy will destroy the marriage.
I am so introspective; I keep asking myself, what are my intents? Sure, sometimes I AM angry, and I wish this didn't have to escalate to this. But this is what I've done.
We meet again with our ecclesiatic leader on Tuesday, although he has ordered me that he will meet with him alone. I have to make the appointments. His issue is ...sigh...money. He said if he gives me $300, then he is free to spend the rest of the money however he would like. I told I wasn't checking out of the picture and I expected to be consulted. He told my son (whose room he is moving into) that they were going to paint the room red.
It would be funny, if it weren't so sad. I REALLY think this can work out. All I'm asking is time and the finances to take responsibility for my health, a quiet place to sleep, and that he not yell or throw things.
What do YOU think?
PJ
- Re: 42781.... pjangel
18 y
2,290
- Re: 42781.... #42781
18 y
2,598
- 42781.... pjangel
18 y
2,345
- Re: Superficial, commitment phobe, i... violetgrace
18 y
2,313
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Mercury Detox
Dental work and fillings, not a problem.
This is a reply to # 669,839to me it seems like you are digging for a reason not to give of yourself.
and sorry but the magic wand is and big swat on the head with the "grow up" comment.
we all get fat and we all get old and we all get ugly eventually.
i think if you started looking for true beauty in a spritual sense and realize lasting values you wouldnt be as messed up feeling as you are in all areas of your life.
- Re: Superficial,,,,what??? #52320
18 y
2,256
This is a reply to # 669,848sorry, "we all get fat and we all get old and we all get ugly eventually."
I visit the old folks home, and you are WRONG. Some people there are very beautiful; yea, maybe there are wrinkles, but the EYES! and others are vacant. And some are lost, unhappy, and others are there, but not.
I know many beautiful, old people who are neither fat nor ugly. And I know some who ARE fat, old, and have ugliness in their souls they thought would just magically go away if they got old. It doesn't.
It takes work. And that's what people who care are doing. They open themselves up, bare their weaknesses, and work on it.
Maybe you left out a n't. Did you mean "you WOULDN'T be as messed up" You typed you would.....I know, it's late. And we ALL make mistakes. I seem to be making my fair share lately.
Ya gotta give this guy credit; he admitted he was foolish; we are all messed up. But facing things is the first step to solving them I HOPE (cause if it isn't I have REALLY screwed up)
take care,
peace in 2006
joy would be nice also.
- Re: Superficial,,,,what??? #52320
18 y
2,256
- Re: Superficial, commitment phobe, i... #42781
18 y
2,372
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