Where's the drama? (my story)

About the only thing I can say I have done consistently is recreate myself. I just finished (as I call it) Transformation Level 3 (well, the cocoon's open, but I ain't flown yet) - a very intense 2 years of reaching for the next level of awareness and understanding, when I'd already tossed the previous one, which left me with not much to hold onto – even my hard core spiritual beliefs and constant evolution weren’t sustaining me.

And then, in one short shrift 6 weeks ago, almost as an afterthought, I gave up a 30-year smoking habit. And to stay off cigarettes, I quit drinking (can you say “functional alcoholic”?). If THAT weren’t enough, I suddenly woke up to a few other, less obtrusive, addictions I’d been holding on to (toxic belief systems on certain subjects), but only after I uttered an occasional phrase that brought an epiphany to my awareness (starting with ending a relationship still filled with love, but where there are two TOTALLY different ideas of what a relationship is).

Plus, while I’m slender, I have this POOCHY TUMMY (backed up bowels? parasites? lots of booze? All of the above?) that plagues me. Thanks to Robin Quivers, I thought I’d try this MC thing and eradicate all the leftover crap on ALL levels: cellular, emotional, physical. Plus I’d just begun to receive an inkling and the beginnings of a blueprint as to why I’m on this planet, and my nightly meditations were yielding some pretty interesting information and results. So this fast is oriented to “cleaning my antenna” as well.

I was psyched to start it –scheduled dates, my mini retreat, a weekend with friends after and around it. Counted down for several days til Sunday (sept 14) and…..am now wondering what the heck is going on. My tongue isn’t fuzzy. I’m not running to the bathroom. I’m not tired. I’m more energetic than ever and I even stopped my effexor (depression medication). I’m not trying – I just am. Is this the calm before the storm? I feel like there’s so much S*** in me (figuratively and literally) that in a few days I’m going to spend the whole night in the bathroom, and wake up the next day with a furry tongue, looking like Medusa, and hardly able to get out of bed. I had today off and decided to go to work instead.

My head tried to talk me out of it yesterday, tempting me with the food still in the fridge. Didn’t work. That’s no small thing. I dislike inconvenience unless I CHOOSE to be inconvenienced – and yesterday I was hungry and the drink was BORING ME SILLY. Nor am I delaying gratification. I am notorious for not sticking with something – at least long-term, because I am so easily bored and so easily sidetracked. Has quitting smoking and drinking and a certain type of man (progression within that group notwithstanding) bled into more things than I realize?

I have gradually lost my need for drama - or drama as overtly as I used to like it. Twenty years ago, I created it in my relationships. But now, having healed that, as my sister recently pointed out, I have other subtler ways of looking for it. So I feel sort of ANTICLIMACTIC that I’m not PLAGUED with headaches. I keep checking the mirror to see if my tongue is fuzzy yet. I get excited when I have to poop. Here’s my new question I’m looking for an answer to: If I go through this whole thing for 10 or more days, and nothing dramatic happens, why will I be disappointed?

Any insight on that – send it my way. Maybe you’ll lodge something loose in my awareness.

blueskyz