A few random thoughts

Having been to the other side... this side sometimes looks pretty grim. I have asked God to let me go home(heaven) literally hundreds of times... I lived with about 4-5 pain for 20 years with about five years at 8-9 pain. Even though I asked God to let me die...hundreds of times... I held up short of killing myself. I asked God to kill me many times but God is not in the killing business. It was a hollow prayer. Death comes soon enough though.

If God was not going to kill me and I was not going to kill myself then I was going to have to do something about this pain...but for 20 years that never happened...in fact...I even reinjured my neck twice....it was so bad that I would hear ringing in my ears from the pain... I couldn't even turn my neck...frozen like a brick for years at a time. I went to an accupuncturist(Jampa Stewart) in Austin, Texas who I heard was more than just an accupuncturist.... for severe hest pain I had from having what I thought was a heart attack(it ended up being some terrible caffeine related addiction problems). On the first visit, he stuck a bunch of pins in me but there was a cloud that surrounded me while he performed the accupuncture... I was amazed but after 20 years, one visit to Jampa and my neck was healed. It was amazing. I can now turn my neck freely with very little immobility. Now I take lots of antioxidants to maintain my neck health and get occasional massage but the neck pain is gone. I survived it and now I have to have another reason to want to go home...but I am still here... I still long for home...to where "my kind" live in a perfect world of loving kindness...but I am still here...so I must have some more lessons to learn...not about overcoming pain...anymore but there is still much left to learn... Magnanimity
is the lesson I want to learn in the physical world while I need to learn about love in the spiritual. Magnanimity is being bigger than the problems I face...being the bigger person when I could be small...taking the higher path when I could have taken the easier and lesser path .... that and helping others... it seems that helping others is a good way to create a structure for building a soul in heaven...

If I am going to stay here, I might as well try to stay as pain free as I can and help others but either way, killing one's self stops the opportunity for learning the lessons we came here to learn....and the pain, which may have dogged us for years may some day end... A few needles fixed me... but there may be something that in a moment can do the same for you.... I am at 0-2 pain from just living these days...but a few years ago...I could not have even imagined what that was like. I went back to school, started a club to help out in my community, suffered, married and divorced twice...and believe that was like dying and worse than any physical pain, I have endured.... and even today... I can't seem to find my place in this world...but I am not going to kill myself... and if I die...then let it come...but I am going to try to avoid injuring myself again.......and killing one's self is the opposite of healing... Be bigger than that and some day...you might be suprised...
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