Discretion as a means to Survival

Rainbow, I don't know what else to say to you on this forum, as it is a sexuality not relationship or spiritual forum. I do hear the desperation and fear in your tone and I know you need some help to get yourself together. It is hard to be objective when you are so deep in conflicting emotions.
Perhaps you can sign up for another e-mail adress with a new passcode on hotmail or yahoo. It takes the same time as writing on the forum and there's less of a chance he will see it. Do NOT feel guilty about this, you are not conspiring to kill him, you are simply trying to restore some sanity and healing into your life.
Rainbow, if you could think of what your best and most understanding friend would tell you for your circumstance, something that would give you the greatest genuine peace and absolute comfort and without placing any undue blame on you, what would that be?....That's what Jesus would tell you.