Zoe, I hope you do not take any offense to my saying this, but I am 'hearing' that you and he can (and do) help each other, as there is a part of you that has been
(also) sitting on the fence, and also learning not to "pull out your own feathers". This latter bit is said with a good bit of light-hearted humour, and all good wishes for you -- both. Had you ever considered Ignatia? It is said to be very helpful for addressing grief and loss even when it's not current, but perhaps turned into a kind of chronic, even apparently unrelated condition. Just wondering if that resonates for you in any way. if not, disregard it.
my best,
C
oh, and thank YOU for asking for help for Elmo. That's a real kindness.