Re: desperately need help, feeling trapped

I know this is one of my big problems. It's another reason I'm depressed and it angers me. I think it also has to do with my generation being babied and the suburban american dream. I really do want to support myself, but I also don't want to do something I hate my whole life while struggling to survive. Because I'm not religious the only thing that's keeping me alive is the hope of a worthwhile future. I am going to get a job, I'm just worried that it's going to push me too hard and I'll end up back where I was 2 years ago when I was really sick and just didn't want to try. Its also really hard being this young and being so sick when everyone else can do anything and I'm stuck in one room. Not to mention the fact that my life was so much better a couple months ago and I didn't even realize it. I was living somewhere where I felt much better, and I was with the most beautiful girl I've ever known, who not to mention was my best friend at the time, and who now I don't even want to talk to because I know things wouldn't work out until I get better.

I do need to suck it up though. I know this. I am very grateful for my disease because it's made me mature beyond anyone I know my age, in certain aspects. I believe I'm very wise for my age. I think the fact that my parents have money is the one crutch I haven't been able to knock off me yet so that I'm crawling on all fours and experiencing true human survival. Thanks for the wake up call.