I can relate to what you are saying. Like you, I met my now abusive ex husband in college when I was very very young.
We married and had a child together, and he was horribly abusive, violent wise, but it wasnt blatant right off the bat.
When the abuse starts, its very subtle, and you will find that this is the case most of the time. Perpetrators violate your boundaries a little bit at a time, so they wont be detected. But after you link memories over a signficant period of time, you start to see the big picture, and yes, its a very UGLY one.
First, the abuse started out as inappropriate touching. I would find his his huge foot, on top on my foot. My personal belongings would violated. Then, there was the little squeeze that hurt a little too much, and lasted a little too long. Then, the pushing and then the shoving.
Eventually the physicality of these boundary violations would lead to him literally picking me up in the air, (like a wrestler) and throwing me across the room, (literally). Then, he would pick me up and slam my brain against the shower wall over and over again.
For days and days, I plotted on how to protect myself, but the violence just got worse. I was always blindsighted.
Before you knew it, I was a walking mess. Constantly on guard, on eggshells, just waiting for the next attack.
My point is, your ex boyfriend was plotting his rape from the very day he saw you. You were a target. He was what they call "grooming" you so he could rape you.
Thats why you are so messed up. This wasnt a weirdo in some back alley. But some one who you thought you were friends.
Trust me, friends and family, they can be predators all the same.
I think this is the dissonance you feel. You do not want to be tricked again.
I understand. I went through that too. But not everyone is like that. You can tell a predator from a non predator. A predator is a bully. They bully you verbally, they are controlling, there are signs. They pretty much all act a like.
Learn to know the signs. Its not that difficult. If like me, you came from an abusive family of predators, and may think that behavior is normal, hit the psychology section of your book store, library, etc. Look up socio path next door, Npd, (narcissistic personality disorder), personality of psycho paths. ... You will probably see a common thread.
Psycho paths are everywhere, and they are always testing the waters for victims. You dont have to be one of them.
BTW, I am now happily married with two children. I've learned. you can too.