It took courage to write what you did about the incident...know that you are loved and accepted by many good people here, in heaven and in your family.

You asked why has this happened. The first reason is that you experienced a trauma that happened in the past. The trauma was powerful enough to damage the nervous system. From that point onward, the physical pain and unconscious energies remained in your subconscious mind.

Whenever you meet a new male, you remember and associate the pain you experienced with your ex-boyfriend and then disaster sets in and you reject him and run away. Psychology calls this the "fight or flight" mode.

The next part is to find the willingness to understand more about this within yourself, feel compassion for others and then make a game plan to heal your body, mind, heart and soul... on all levels.

You can find a path that suits your needs here if you are willing to research and read:
http://neozen888.wordpress.com/2011/02/28/repairing-the-auric-field/

I've gone through my share of trauma as well. I hope that helps.

love and light,
Neo

I'm sorry that you went through this. That said, it sounds like you never got any counseling, am I right? If so, please take the next step and call the RAINN Hotline at: 1-800-656-HOPE. In addition, take a look at their website:

http://www.rainn.org/


When you call the hotline, the person on the other end of the line can help you find counseling. Also, discuss the possibility of pressing charges against your ex-boyfriend. If he did this to you, he will do it to other women if he isn't stopped.

Best of luck to you. Please take that first step toward healing and call the hotline.

I can relate to what you are saying. Like you, I met my now abusive ex husband in college when I was very very young.

We married and had a child together, and he was horribly abusive, violent wise, but it wasnt blatant right off the bat.

When the abuse starts, its very subtle, and you will find that this is the case most of the time. Perpetrators violate your boundaries a little bit at a time, so they wont be detected. But after you link memories over a signficant period of time, you start to see the big picture, and yes, its a very UGLY one.

First, the abuse started out as inappropriate touching. I would find his his huge foot, on top on my foot. My personal belongings would violated. Then, there was the little squeeze that hurt a little too much, and lasted a little too long. Then, the pushing and then the shoving.

Eventually the physicality of these boundary violations would lead to him literally picking me up in the air, (like a wrestler) and throwing me across the room, (literally). Then, he would pick me up and slam my brain against the shower wall over and over again.

For days and days, I plotted on how to protect myself, but the violence just got worse. I was always blindsighted.

Before you knew it, I was a walking mess. Constantly on guard, on eggshells, just waiting for the next attack.

My point is, your ex boyfriend was plotting his rape from the very day he saw you. You were a target. He was what they call "grooming" you so he could rape you.

Thats why you are so messed up. This wasnt a weirdo in some back alley. But some one who you thought you were friends.

Trust me, friends and family, they can be predators all the same.

I think this is the dissonance you feel. You do not want to be tricked again.

I understand. I went through that too. But not everyone is like that. You can tell a predator from a non predator. A predator is a bully. They bully you verbally, they are controlling, there are signs. They pretty much all act a like.

Learn to know the signs. Its not that difficult. If like me, you came from an abusive family of predators, and may think that behavior is normal, hit the psychology section of your book store, library, etc. Look up socio path next door, Npd, (narcissistic personality disorder), personality of psycho paths. ... You will probably see a common thread.

Psycho paths are everywhere, and they are always testing the waters for victims. You dont have to be one of them.

BTW, I am now happily married with two children. I've learned. you can too.

You have an inner sweetness that comes through when I read your message. I think you're very worth it. And I'll tell you another thing: EVERYBODY, and I mean EVERYBODY has varying degrees of ugly handed to them in this life. It's simple for me to say, tough for you to hear, but if you stand up straight and tall...I promise you there is a good, solid, handsome guy out there that wants you to be his right now. Close your eyes right now and from this day forth, concentrate each day to minimize the ugly event that took place. Eventually, you will allow the beautiful woman you are to surface and take over. Your personality will allow another guy, one that is worthy of you, to attract. I'm a guy, I know there are horrible men out there. There are some good ones, too.

You can continue to allow what this loser did to you to control and mold you, hey...a lot of people would understand. I'm not a lot of people. You don't have time and years to waste letting this hold you back. You need confidence, you need to live life. Good women like yourself deserve better. Never again will you allow yourself to get in that situation again. No more blaming yourself for the past...slowly, methodically, put the past behind you...and live. There is a guy out there, one that will treat you like a princess. It's time, don't you think?

IMO, the feelings or impulses to allow your b.f. to rape you was implanted within you at an earlier age by some other man, possibly your dad or a close relative, so you were set up to be a vulnerable doormat/victim way before even meeting the guy who raped you.
re: I stayed with him and convinved myself i was happy.
this: You probably learned to "convince your self" (DENIAL) after the earlier childhood violations of you by a family member so you could comfortably go on living with that person since you couldn't escape from the offender.

re: Why is it like this now? After almost five years fromthe date it happened.
this: because early traumatic emotional wounds have a way of hiding within us and only come out when triggered by some event which reminds us of the original violation(s). IMO, 99% of humanity lives with unhealed, buried, traumatic experiences by using DENIAL (they CONVINCE them self that they are happy when they are not - like you did) to reduce the pain and frequency of triggered reactions that allow their hidden, damaged feelings to unexpectedly pop to the surface. I suppose convincing our selves that we are happy is better than nothing so humanity toughs it out and struggles on while we see more and more examples of just how sick some people are in mass killings, war, crime, divorce, dirty politics, police brutality, child abuse and on and on. All of these bizarre actions can be traced right back to early childhood mental damage but society has developed a vast array of Denial systems to cover up and compensate for the damages incurred in early childhood.
good luck,

Hello.

I just came across your message, and know I can help you.

If you do need help, please let me know.

Warmly,
Eugeniya