I let him ruin me. I never told anyone who knows me irl.

In the first half of my sophomore year my exboyfriend raped me at a party, he was three years older than me and a wrestler, we had been going out for two years when this happened. I didnt look at him for weeks, i couldnt. I was too humiliated to face the reality and i guess i didnt want to. I stayed with him and convinved myself i was happy. Now that i look back on it i stopped loving him before he had done what he did. Part of my convincing myself i was happy was letting him do what he wanted to me whenever he wanted and telling myself i wanted it too. I didnt want to admit to my friends that i was miserable or that i had let myself be in a situation where i would be harmed.

I stayed with him until i turned twenty and now i run in the opposite direction when a man wants a relationship with me. The talking and the flirting is no problem but once they tell me that they like me and want something more than friendship it makes me want to escape. This is even if i like them too. I dont even think i could let a man kiss me nowor hold my hand. Why is it like this now? After almost five years fromthe date it happened.