There is an obvious common theme to all things you are writing. The one you did not write about, but I would like to hear is - your relationship with your dad. Unfortunately, most dads today do not have the time or even know-how to engage in raising their children. Hence, most kids grow up being non-assertive and unaware of their true potential and great qualities. Low self esteem follows, as do self-destructive behavior patterns that you describe.
Here are a few pointers:
- First of all, realize that you did miss a strong masculine figure in your life - your father. I do not know why, but you did miss that (was he alive, or there for you when you needed him? Was he "emotionally available"?). The type of insecurity about your sexua| orientation that you describe is typical for someone who has not had a strong loving relationship with his father.
- What happens in such a case is something that may seem like homosexual tendencies. In extreme instances, it does become homosexual behavior. I do not think that you fit that description; but I do think that you need strong male role models, something that will inspire you and wake up that male energy in you. It seems to me that some of that is already waking up as wanting to nail that doctor would be exact that - assertive, healthy male energy. Just watching good films can also inspire one to become a man fully. I strongly recommend "The Seven Samurai" as one of the best depictions of male energy, an inspiration to all of us. Or for a more gentle example of male energy, "Dances With Wolves". Get inspired by those characters, learn from them, see what qualities you like about them and absorb them, make them your own. Find more movies, books and so on which do the same for you.
- If you had good relationship with your parents and if they (both) were great examples of assertive individuals, you would tell them everything about that friend of yours the first time he showed any strange interest in you, and that would be the end of that relationship. That goes to say - what happened there was none of your fault. I wish you had good emotional support to help you deal with doubts that popped up afterwards...
- You are a being of GOD. You may not believe in God right now, but I beg you to investiage a possibility (or rather - certainty) that none of us are born by accident. We are not our parents' children; we are children of this universe, of God, and are given to our parents to raise us. It is the most important job, and every one of us better do it well. In that respect, we are not born to be anyone's doormat or servants or play thing. You are meant to fight for yourself, and your parents should have taught you how to do that; if you don't know how, asking as you are doing it now is a good start.
- Forgive yourself the seemengly homosexual experiences from your teenage years. You did not instigate it and you did not ask for it. You allowed it, only because you did not know better. I am willing to bet that had your neighbor been a sexy girl, and started sexua| contact with you, you would go for it. That means you are not gay. If you were, it would not be the end of the world, but it is important to understand what "being gay" really is: it is a search for love by a male figure (father). So many fathers are missing from children's lives today, it is no wonder there are more and more gay people out there. Once that male love is understood and built into the person, the feeling of being gay slowly disappears. But, you do not owe it to anyone to prove one way or another; you just need to understand what is going on. I can tell you I had famous male figures which mesmerized me when I was a teen, and that did not make me gay in any way. Today, I don't find them attractive in way at all; I have absorbed and built into myself those qualities that I liked about them - seriousness, assertiveness, strength of character and so on.
- As for the doctor, I would consult with police. I would walk into the police station and ask for a one-on-one conversation with a police officer or detective, and say it is kinda embarrasing and important to you at the same time. Approach it naturally - and tell them that you would like to help nail the doctor in question. See if the police is interested; I hope you find a good cop there who is genuinly interested in helping you. I am sure they have means that we don't even know about... I would not disclose that you are willing to go through sexua| experience with him again - that is not necessary anyway; I think it would be enough for him to just want to start it, and that should suffice.
- I would not feel guilty about erection and so on. You were already sensitised to that type of pleasure wtih a male figure, and reaction was normal. As a matter of fact, erections happen for all kinds of reasons, and not always only with a person of the opposite sex. Basically, forget about all the feelings of guilt you are carrying with you. They are just an unnecessary burden. You are perfectly OK.
- Most important of all: learna to love your SELF. Learn to do things for yourself. Learn to be nice to yourself, never too critical or condemning yourself. Taking some form of therapy would be a good thing. For me "transactional analysis" type of therapy did wonders, I think it may do the same for you. But it is most important to find a good, possibly male, therapist who is loving, caring, understanding, but strong, who will teach you how to accept yourself and also how to defend yourself and appreciate yourself.
Best of luck and never forget that you are just as important to this world and to God up there, as anyone else. You are also equally important to this world as most others, if not more. It is only those who are most capable that are given challenges such as yours, because we can only help once we go through negative experiences ourselves.