Re: Just About Had It!!!!

I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. Um, i'm not having a BO from the skin issue, mine is literally a silent but deadly farting disorder, happens every few seconds, no matter What i eat, whether i eat alot, a little, or not at all. Had it since the mid of 8th grade & now im 18.

Just two days ago, i went to walmart to buy 2 of their boxes of sleeping pills. I was gonna overdose using 64, figured that'd do the trick, but i couldn't get up the nerve to buy em. So, I know exactly how you feel.

It's been that way for me too, i Know without a Doubt that i have a problem, but my mom claims she doesnt smell anything, I can't smell anything, but i Know my dad & granny, step family, & every1 i've Met can. It's annoying b/c they claim they can't when its more than oBvious that they Can. I was so stressed about it, I had to do homeschooling 4 high school & i recently dropped out of college due to anxiety & loneliness (though in reality, i was doing well & was Just starting to make friends). Got a job as a cashier & now im working around ppl all the TIME. But it's not so bad, and i'll explain why later.

The one thing that has kept me sane is love and acceptance. Altho my dad & granny lie to me bout not smellin me, they still show me love & make me feel good enough. they actually Want to be around me, altho i stink. They aren't trying to fix me, they just take it as it is and deal with it, b/c im still me. I'm still a person, and they love me the same way, as if i didn't have the disorder at all.

But with my mom, I have a feeling that she really can't smell me at all. She's not the lying type. She's brutally honest & controlling to the point where i want to hate her. Anyway, thats what makes her love not really... count :/ & she keeps trying to convince me that im not sick & that it's in my head & that pisses me off & she's really religious so im never good enough to her which makes it hard 4 me to live alone w/ her, & makes life very very hard to live. I always feel alone here w/ her, i have no friends around here & there's a major fear & anxiety toward ppl that i develop when living w/ her that i dont exert when im w/ my dad, granny & step fam.

I've gone on dates, with quite a few guys over a couple years when i lived w/ my dad & granny. I learned to be upfront w/ them about my disorder. The guys, somehow, were understanding & they loved my personality xD & mayb how my body looked, w/ clothes on (still a virg), that they all wanted to continue dating me DESPITE (my Favorite word). They liked me despite what was wrong w/ me. Hated the smells, but liked me for me, liked me enough to get over the constant stinkiness. And ThAt feels pretty damn good, makes me feel more real.

I learned to not Care about what ppl think. The only way i learned it was thru "love and acceptance." My fam accepted me and that made me learn to accept myself.

Problem is, I still have moments, esPecially when ppl would whistle around me or the overly done exhales & sighs, and the sniffling. The worst are the looks that alienate you and make you feel inhuman. I received one of those looks a couple weeks ago frm some1 in personnel & i felt like Shit. Then to feel better, i imagined i was apart of xmen, mutants & weirdos under 1 roof, their newest film, First Class really made me feel better somehow, i feel alot like raven. Sometimes, i chant in my head that i'm completely normal and that nothing's wrong w/ me (that stopped working a week ago). Anyway, i hate it All, but i keep telling myself, it's what they have to do to cope w/ the scent, that it's no1s fault & that i just have to deal w/ it just as they do.

Im living w/ my mom now, & life SUCKS here, but i just got my first paycheck 2 days ago, got the internet & cable & gr8 food, a book, cds, in short, im treating myself for getting thru 2 weeks of bein round ppl w/o losin my head haha.

Anyways, since i dont find acceptance w/ my mom, for a while, i've been trying to find it in the customers that come to my register. I chat em up, act friendly, treat they're purchases with the upmost care & try to get them to like me, but that doesn't always work. & the good feelings are short lived so i have to find another way to feel better. Tryina find it in myself, read some self-help books that basically say i owe nothing to no one & need to stop acting like i do. This is who i am & i have to deal w/ it & so do they, and that feels gr8 to say, but still haaard to believe. i say it on repeat in my head when im ringing up an impatient customer with a looot of items. Brings a little peace.

I've looked to God for help, used to Be a Christian, actually but he won't heal me, so im fine w/o him.

Im not gonna go into what i've tried & haven't tried b/c i've talked long enough lol

But, i look thru this site for cures, honestly, i haven't been trying any of em b/c, i dont wanna get excited & be let down, cause it puts me in a deep Depression Every time, so, ima try to get some serious counseling & ima hope that my counselor can accept me b/c if they treat me like a freak too, then... Idk.

The POINT.

In summary:

1. Your children love and accept you, altho they don't know what your problem is, they Love you & that should give you a lot of peace. Find some solace in that.

2. You have friends who apparently wanna be around you, bonus points.

3. I kinda think you should get out there and start dating, if you're not married and IF you have the time, or treat yourself.

4. Go do something fun every now and then. Get around ppl, as MUCH as possible. (I used to kinda hate ppl, & id prejudge EVERYONE till i started working as a cashier. And learning that every1 has problems & that gr8 ppl really Do exist out in the real world away frm a comp screen lol) Don't drown & u know, be nice 2 ppl & they'll be nice back, & if they're not, **** them, you are Awesome, and you Know you've got it going on and that's Allll you Need.

5. Although your family act like it's all in your head (like mine does)... and i Know that must be hard to deal with, especially when every1 acts like you don't belong on this planet, i think you just gotta look past that part and look at the love and acceptance they have toward you. Just gotta change perspective & ignore some of the BS.

6. And know that you are Veery lucky, i agree w/ another poster, you Have a family... i wanna have kids one day, so bad, but the baby'll probly have my disorder so i may just have to adopt. You're so blessed, & I've got one more

7. Make a list. When i got Really stressed in college, i made a list of every Single thing i hated about myself. Every personality trait, every physical quirk, everything! Then i made a list of everything i liked & even loved about myself. The lists were kinda even, & the hate list was mostly superficial stuff like acne, kinda bulgy belly, lol but somehow, it made me feel Better.


It'd be ****ing AWESOME to be cured, but it'd be even better if we learned & taught others what it means to love and accept ourselves and each other. The world would be a better place that way. Tweet