Re: Lost and Denial

Thank you everyone for you comments. I was trying to make my original post short but I guess it created more confusion..

Let me give you more details so it can clear up a few things...

My husband is into p 0 r n and I guess he would rather have p 0 r n than real intimacy...I used to not let it bother me as much but when his action replaces intimacy I became really bothered and depressed. I feel so empty and lonely in my marriage. A couple years back, I found some emails between him and another female that were very flirtateous. I confronted him and he blew up..He was very defensive...saying that they were only friends...denying everything....I was so depressed about the whole situation I didn't talk about it anymore..Around the same time, I found online posts from him talking to people about his travel experiences...how the clubs were like meat markets, how the girls were so attractive and dressed so provocative..I didn't have any real proof of his infidelity but his actions really bothered me..I did everything for my marriage but I guess built up anger clouded my judgement..I was brought up with high morales and values. I never cheated on him for the past 11 years that we were together...until recently..When I met Mr X, my marriage was going through a very rough patch..I was so depressed that I thought about suicide...I was so excited and happy that I found someone that understood what I went through..because he went through a divorce a few years back and he understood what it was like to be with someone that you are unhappy with..Mr and X and I are not the cheating type (we both admit that we made a mistake to cheat and it ate us up inside). There were times that we would just both hold each other and cry because we have made a mistake. We never wanted or intended to hurt anyone by our actions.. I kept hesitating to leave my husband because I am afraid of the unknown for me and my child..The secret relationship gave both of us a lot of stress because we were so afraid to get caught and hurt people around us. He told me to decide either to stay with my husband or divorce him so we can be together..I never had the balls to ever say that I would leave my husband..He even told me if I would just give him hope that I will divorce my husband he would wait for me. And never once did I give him any hope..that's why he told he can't continue this affair because it's wrong. He cares about me a lot and doesn't want us to stop talking to each other..He told me he wants to be around to be there for me even if he's going to move on..That's the hardest part for me, how can I continue to talk to him knowing that he will move on when I still have so much feelings for him...but it hurts just as much to stop talking to him because he's my best friend :(