Re: Hurt and Denial

Is this daughter the product of you and your present husband?  Is your  legal  husband abusive?  Does he deny you the right to make career choices?  Has he disallowed you to entertain your own friends, hobbies, or interests?  Has he refused to engage in marital counseling? 

*  "Brought life" into your own existence translates into:  I am justifying my actions.  "Life" = excitement, personal/sexual attention, and the physical rush of risk-taking.

*  "Fallen out of love" translates into:  an excuse to seek adult pleasures from different sources.

*  "Emotionally disconnected" translates into:  We are bored with one another and choose not to communicate.

Blue Rose is spot-on.  If you want to be with the "other man," then do something so that you won't have to sneak around and place your daughter's well-being in jeopardy for the sake of thrills and sexua| attention.  If you and your legal husband are bored with one another or you are not communicating, it may be well worth while to seek marital counseling, see the affair from the perspective of adult responsibility, and get REAL.  You didn't mention whether or not you had even explored marital or individual counseling, and this is worrisome as it hints at selfish motivation.

A strong, healthy relationship is based upon honesty, truthful speaking, open communication, and mutual respect.  The man with whom you are having your fling with isn't honoring any of these virtues, and neither are you - sex is the basis, and the thrill and excitement of sneaking around is the fuel that feeds the sexua| intensity.  Meanwhile, your daughter is likely being neglected (NOT like being left in a car in 110 degree weather) in lieu of the attention that this other man is receiving.  No matter how sly you (and, possibly your husband) believe that your affairs are being conducted, children sense the tension and they respond to it, accordingly.  Their emotional and physical needs are put on the back burner so that you (and, possibly your husband) can fill your own wants (not "needs") first.

I would strongly urge you to consider marital or individual counseling, walk away from the affair, put your daughter's needs (NOT wants) first, speak openly with your husband, and at least make an attempt to sort this out in a positive manner.  You have no idea how expensive, cruel, ugly, nasty, and heartbreaking a divorce is and you and your husband won't be the ones to suffer the consequences - your daughter will be damaged in ways that you cannot anticipate in your wildest nightmares.  I speak from personal experience, and I promise you that any contract of marriage is worth saving as long as domestic violence/abuse, substance abuse, and/or illegal activities do not factor. 

If there was once a healthy bond, it is worth the efforts of you and your husband to WORK towards a comfortable space through brute honesty and truth-speaking, and realize that love is not equal to sex.  Sex is a beautiful by-product of a strong, healthy relationship, and not a basis of cultivation.  The "risk" of engaging in an affair may seem exciting and liberating, but it is literally an addiction rather than the basis of a strong, healthy relationship.  Once that risk is removed, what will you do when the other man turns out to be as exciting as a turnip in three years?  Will you engage in another affair when the rabid sexua| activity wears off, as it always does?  What will you do when the new husband disdains your daughter because of her hatred of him as a result of the damage that she suffered from your bitter, expensive, ugly divorce?  Exactly what do you intend to do to keep yourself from engaging in another affair once you become bored with the new Mister?  If, after strong counseling, you decide that your marriage is truly dead without any hope of salvage, you will have learned a great deal about what "love" truly is, who you are and wish to be, where you want to be in 5 years, and what your goals are for your daughter's well-being.   

I would also strongly urge you to consider enrolling in college or non-credit courses that please your intellectual or creative urges.  Or, become involved in an altruistic endeavor by volunteering at a homeless shelter, food bank, SPCA, or some other organization that has the well-being of others in mind.  Feed the positive and realize your own potential rather than feeding that Risk Monkey of extra-marital affairs.  If you believe that the man with whom you're having an affair with is going to remain faithful to you, or you to him, you're deluding yourself and living in denial - do something positive to help yourself and your marriage, first, so that you can say that you did everything that you could to save the marriage if you do, indeed, choose to end the marriage contract, and you will have made that choice for the sakes of your daughter (FIRST), and yourself (SECOND), rather than some man. 

Brightest blessings to you and best wishes that you'll do the "right thing," as Blue Rose suggested.